I have (some sort) of Social Anxiety

Ok, I said it, I have social anxiety.  But mine is not named thus far, so we will call it the "Pamela Phenomenon".  This anxiety is a lot like regular social anxiety, with exceptions like I am capable of being social, I can talk in front of a crowd(but only if my face is bright red), and I am actually very good with people.  The difference?  I don't want to be.

I was raised in a way that we always had people over, the phone was always ringing, and it was perfectly acceptable for people to "just drop in unannounced".  I was constantly surrounded by people and I was expected to be ok with that.  I wasn't.  I would hide, go to my room, I would need to take a "really long poo".  I would be there one moment, and then just sneak away to where I could be for the longest without people finding me.  I was labeled "anti-social".

I am not anti-social.  I am selectively social.  If you drop in on me unannounced, if I even bother to open the door, you will see that look on my face...the look that says "I am trying to smile but it is killing me to do so".

People just don't get it, I am nice, friendly, I am really good with people, for short periods of time.  If I am out in public, you can bet that I would much rather be at home, alone most times.  Or with my people.  And to make that clear, I only have 3 people - my kids and my husband and sometimes they don't even make the list.  It's not that I don't like people, I just really need my time alone, and I do not require socialization nearly as much as most people.

Christmas is a really hard time for me - parties, cookie-exchanges, more parties.  I can't stand it.  If you see me at a party, I guarantee that I have been forced to go and it was not my idea to be there.  I went to my husband's Christmas party the other night, I did a good job of being nice, I even had good conversations with nice people.  I didn't have a bad time, but I would have rather been somewhere else, preferably alone. This week is tough for me, a lot of pre-planned social  activities, and the invitations just keep coming.  I have said yes to 3 already this week, and that is already too much.  I know that for my sanity, I have to say no to the other ones that come in, but I do feel bad.  It's not easy telling people that I can't go.  They ask why. What do I say?  I usually come up with an excuse that we already have plans, but what I really want to say is that I can't have anymore social interactions this week.  Try me back in a month!

Obviously I am an introvert, but due to the way that I was raised, I am good with people, and I mean really good.  If you didn't know how I felt, you wouldn't be able to tell.  (Exceptions include when I am around people that I really don't like, then you can tell.  I get that forced smile, sneer thing, and I am ultra sarcastic and bitchy.  My husband has even said that I am confrontational!)  I like people, there are some people that I really like a lot, and those people are the hardest to tell about my issue.

I tell some people what I am like, and they always joke that I don't like anyone, except them.  Well that's just not true.  It's not that I don't like them at all, it's just that I don't want to be around them very often.  And that goes for EVERYONE.  I can't be around anyone that much.  Even my kids know that, because they know when to leave me alone.  My husband, well he just doesn't get it.  He still thinks that he's the exception too. He's not.

The ironic thing is, I am writing this on a very public forum.  Not that a million people are going to read this, but I have put it out there for anyone to stumble upon.  In one way it might seem that I want attention to this, for for this.  I don't, I just want to say it enough, in safe ways, so that I can learn how to say it in real life.

Because it's not just being with people that gets to me, it's also the seemingly constant need for people to communicate with me.  Emails, phone calls, texts.  My perfect day is one where I get to do what I want to do without interruption from others.  I'd like to take a nap without the phone ringing, I'd like to clean the house without the email and text alerts.  One day.  Is that too much to ask?

I know I am a good person, but can't I be a good person, at home, alone?

I come off as nice and friendly, the kids at school LOVE me - and it's easy with them, because at the end of the day, I know they won't be calling me to go for coffee!  But it's a really hard balance for me.  I am how I am, I can't change that - but the way I am seems to encourage people to like me and want to be around me. I just hope that I can learn how to be the way I am, and also be able to tell people what I need.  That it's not them, it is me, and I just need my distance.