I have (some sort) of Social Anxiety

Ok, I said it, I have social anxiety.  But mine is not named thus far, so we will call it the "Pamela Phenomenon".  This anxiety is a lot like regular social anxiety, with exceptions like I am capable of being social, I can talk in front of a crowd(but only if my face is bright red), and I am actually very good with people.  The difference?  I don't want to be.

I was raised in a way that we always had people over, the phone was always ringing, and it was perfectly acceptable for people to "just drop in unannounced".  I was constantly surrounded by people and I was expected to be ok with that.  I wasn't.  I would hide, go to my room, I would need to take a "really long poo".  I would be there one moment, and then just sneak away to where I could be for the longest without people finding me.  I was labeled "anti-social".

I am not anti-social.  I am selectively social.  If you drop in on me unannounced, if I even bother to open the door, you will see that look on my face...the look that says "I am trying to smile but it is killing me to do so".

People just don't get it, I am nice, friendly, I am really good with people, for short periods of time.  If I am out in public, you can bet that I would much rather be at home, alone most times.  Or with my people.  And to make that clear, I only have 3 people - my kids and my husband and sometimes they don't even make the list.  It's not that I don't like people, I just really need my time alone, and I do not require socialization nearly as much as most people.

Christmas is a really hard time for me - parties, cookie-exchanges, more parties.  I can't stand it.  If you see me at a party, I guarantee that I have been forced to go and it was not my idea to be there.  I went to my husband's Christmas party the other night, I did a good job of being nice, I even had good conversations with nice people.  I didn't have a bad time, but I would have rather been somewhere else, preferably alone. This week is tough for me, a lot of pre-planned social  activities, and the invitations just keep coming.  I have said yes to 3 already this week, and that is already too much.  I know that for my sanity, I have to say no to the other ones that come in, but I do feel bad.  It's not easy telling people that I can't go.  They ask why. What do I say?  I usually come up with an excuse that we already have plans, but what I really want to say is that I can't have anymore social interactions this week.  Try me back in a month!

Obviously I am an introvert, but due to the way that I was raised, I am good with people, and I mean really good.  If you didn't know how I felt, you wouldn't be able to tell.  (Exceptions include when I am around people that I really don't like, then you can tell.  I get that forced smile, sneer thing, and I am ultra sarcastic and bitchy.  My husband has even said that I am confrontational!)  I like people, there are some people that I really like a lot, and those people are the hardest to tell about my issue.

I tell some people what I am like, and they always joke that I don't like anyone, except them.  Well that's just not true.  It's not that I don't like them at all, it's just that I don't want to be around them very often.  And that goes for EVERYONE.  I can't be around anyone that much.  Even my kids know that, because they know when to leave me alone.  My husband, well he just doesn't get it.  He still thinks that he's the exception too. He's not.

The ironic thing is, I am writing this on a very public forum.  Not that a million people are going to read this, but I have put it out there for anyone to stumble upon.  In one way it might seem that I want attention to this, for for this.  I don't, I just want to say it enough, in safe ways, so that I can learn how to say it in real life.

Because it's not just being with people that gets to me, it's also the seemingly constant need for people to communicate with me.  Emails, phone calls, texts.  My perfect day is one where I get to do what I want to do without interruption from others.  I'd like to take a nap without the phone ringing, I'd like to clean the house without the email and text alerts.  One day.  Is that too much to ask?

I know I am a good person, but can't I be a good person, at home, alone?

I come off as nice and friendly, the kids at school LOVE me - and it's easy with them, because at the end of the day, I know they won't be calling me to go for coffee!  But it's a really hard balance for me.  I am how I am, I can't change that - but the way I am seems to encourage people to like me and want to be around me. I just hope that I can learn how to be the way I am, and also be able to tell people what I need.  That it's not them, it is me, and I just need my distance.

I have a really good excuse this time...

Its been a really long time since I have been here.  What am I doing?  Well, let's see.  I went to Germany in April, watched FC Bayern Munich vs Manchester United.  Amazing!  My husband had a broken foot on the trip, but he did ok.

I don't remember May, June was a blur of soccer and school functions.

July was ok - did some white water rafting, Sky Trek, hiking, biking, boating, swimming and tanning.

August - well that's where it all falls apart.  My husband (who is 39!) had a massive heart attack.  He was in the Cardiac ICU for 5 days.  The type of heart attack he had is called a "widow maker".  Yes, most people die when they have a heart attack in this section of their heart.

It's a somewhat funny, kind of awful story.  We had been digging trenches in the yard all weekend to put in underground sprinklers, so his arms were a bit sore.  He also was feeling kind of yucky that day. He went to his soccer game that night anyway, because that is what he does.  He doesn't know how to relax or slow down.  After his game, he came home, had a snack and writhed in pain for a while.  He went upstairs, writhed a bit more, then it looked like he had fallen asleep.  So of course I took a shower, thinking he was resting.  When I was done, I noticed he was writhing again, I was looking up symptoms of heart attacks on the net, but not really thinking anything of it because his pain was justifiable we thought.  THEN, he stuck his hand in his mouth and rubbed his teeth.  I asked if his teeth hurt, he spoke but didn't make any sense.  It was only then that I thought something might really be wrong.  On the net somewhere, I noticed a very "rare" symptom of heart attacks, jaw pain.

I told the kids that I was taking their Dad to the hospital, just in case.  Before I tell the next part, I must emphasize that my husband is a complete baby when he is sick or sore - so I cannot be blamed for thinking he was just being a big baby!

I told our 15 year old daughter that I was "taking Daddy to the hospital, and he had better be having a fucking heart attack".  Yes, I am a truly horrible person.

Anyway - off to the hospital, I dropped him at the doors as per his suggestion, I parked the car, and by the time I got inside, all of 5 minutes later...or less, he was in a bed and hooked up to machines.  That was then they verified that he was having a massive heart attack - we were shocked.

In 10 minutes he was on his way to another Hospital in an ambulance.  Within the hour he was in the Cath lab,  and had angioplasty - he had 2 stents put into his heart.  I got to see him about 3 hours later.

My husband actually asked if he could go home the next day.  He had no idea where he was and how serious his situation was.  I did, unfortunately, because I asked, and the nurses were very blunt about everything.  I'm glad they were, I don't do well with sugar coating.

2 days later he asked to go home again, and the nurse actually yelled at him.  It was awesome!  I got to watch the whole thing.  The nurse told him what had happened, where he was and why he was there...and that he was going to be there until they told him he could go home.  It was then that he realized how sick he really was.  That was hard, just to see the understanding in his face.

He came home a few days later, he's on tons of medication and a modified diet.  He feels ok now, he's back to work and also doing cardiac rehab.  They watch him while he exercises, but he's just happy to be able to exercise.  We've been told that the fact that he is so fit is what saved his life.

Things have been hard to adjust to at times.  We have scaled back ALL of our volunteer efforts, which was a lot.  People see him, he looks fine, so they think that we should be able to resume life as normal, but it just doesn't work that way.  When you almost lose your husband, you see where your priorities are.  Right now, I've got to concentrate on him, the kids, and myself.  Everything and everyone else has to just wait.

It's been 41 days since his heart attack, and 41 days since his last cigarette too!  We are managing, we are trying to get used to the new normal, and we are working on making everything ok.

But wait, there's more.

The kids started school last Tuesday, the same day that I had stitches removed from my face.  I had had a "thing" removed from above my lip as a precaution.  Test results?  Basal Cell Carcinoma.  Just what I needed.

I've told the kids and my husband.  The only thing that can be said to sum this all up, came from my daughter.  She sighed and said "ok, can you guys just be done with all of this now?  No more please."

It's been a lot to take in.  What is normal now?  What do I do to make this all ok?  I have no idea, but getting stupid things done, like laundry, that at least helps a bit.

I have found myself telling people what has happened if only to have them back off a bit.  We need to take care of us now, we need to stop doing things that other people want us to do and make sure we are taken care of first.

Who knows when I will write again - I'll try, but only if it makes me feel better!

Am I even speaking english??

Some days I really wonder if I am speaking a different language than everyone around me.  I think I'm making sense, but maybe I'm not.  I really question my communication skills at times.  (if you read this and I'm not making sense, for the love of God, please tell me!)

Maybe I am speaking English, but the person I am with isn't.  Maybe that's why I can't understand what the heck they are saying.  Maybe I just don't care enough to figure it out?  Do men and women even speak the same language?

I swear, I can't have a conversation with my husband some days.  He thinks he is talking, but he's not making any sense to me.  I think I am making sense and he looks at me like I've grown another head.  I question my sanity a lot when talking to him.  That's just not right.

Maybe I need a brain douche.  Ha, I just had to get that word in there.  But really, I wish there was a product that I could stick in my ear, shake my head around a bit, and all the crazy shit, the unneeded information, the bad memories, the stuff that just doesn't make any sense, would just fall out.  Then I could go on my way, with a clear brain, a clean slate.  That would be super helpful right now.  Like a defrag computer program!

Brain douche, the product you never knew you needed.

Just doing it

I finally, FINALLY, painted my master bedroom!!!  It only took me a year and half!  I started last week, on Thursday I think.  It really didn't take that long, a day and a half, and it looks amazing!

So yes, the room is messy before and after, and I haven't gotten any pictures up on the walls yet.  But the point is, it is painted, and all the outlet and switch covers are even back on!  It's a whole lot brighter in there now.

I am trying really hard to stop procrastinating.  I am getting stuff done, not avoiding things.  I tidy the house when I have a few minutes.  I answer most emails in a timely fashion.  I want to add that I painted the room even though I was working on the school fundraiser AND soccer intake.  

I am trying really hard - and I feel a lot better not having things weigh on me. I just have to remind myself of that.  It's better to deal with the crappy stuff right away, otherwise it just sits there on my shoulders.  I have even become a little more blunt.  If that was even possible.  

As a leader - no I didn't choose to be a leader, but I am one of those people that just gets themselves into leading things because other people won't - I was very reluctant.  I would be wishy washy, and I HATE it when people are like that, so it made me angry at myself.  I decided that if I am going to lead, whether I wanted to or not, I will be firm and decisive.  Who cares if people don't think I am nice?  The husband said just last night that I am too nice anyway and nice doesn't get shit done.  

So there it is, Just Doing It, my new motto.  I may not be doing it perfectly, but its good enough, and unless someone is paying me for perfect, good enough is good enough for me.

Now what?

For the past few years, I have been on a journey of personal growth.  How's it going?  Well that depends on who you ask.  If you ask me, I am just treading water, trying to keep afloat.

I know that all the pressure I feel to be a certain way, to do certain things, it all comes from within.  I don't have a lot pressure from outside forces.  Sure, I have school council and soccer commitments, but the pressure I feel from these things would be dramatically less if I could just let some things go.  If I could stop worrying about writing that email, and just get it done!  Procrastination is my biggest challenge.  The longer I hold things off, the more pressure I feel to do them, the more pressure I feel to do them, the more I want to hold it off!  I wrote a school council email just a few minutes ago, and it feels good to have that off my plate.  Then, the stress of all the emails that might come from that...that gets to me.  Yes, communication with other people is a real issue for me!

I guess I just need to remind myself to breathe, and not worry about it so much.

I was talking to my sweet husband last night, and as I was telling him the stress I was feeling, I realized how silly it was.  No one is making me do the things I think I should be doing.  I am the one that thinks up these crazy ideas, like how the house should be spotless (it never is), and how my little projects need to be done (they never are).  I should be looking at these projects as something I'd like to do, not that I have to do.

By the way, the sweet husband thinks the house looks just fine.  Maybe he needs glasses?  But if he doesn't care that much, why should I?  He said I should write down 10 things I want to get done in the next 30 days.  What did I do?  Instant panic!  10 things???  30 days???  That sounds an awful lot like a deadline!  But maybe if I set a deadline it would get done?  Like the painting of my bedroom, yup, that is still not done!  I did move the paint to the bedroom.  Then I moved it to another spot in the bedroom. I like painting, why am I not doing this?  It will look so nice!

But I put it off.  Then instead of doing all the things I want to do, I sit on the ipad at night looking for new ideas.  Yes, I realize how dumb that is.  I have all these great ideas, I build up the supplies, and then I don't do them.  I am all about excuses.  Well I can't do it in one day, where do I have 2 days I could do this?  Nowhere, ok, guess it won't happen then.  OR...I was going to do this today but then someone needed me to do something else, so I did that instead.  Why can't I just put myself first?  Why do I put off the things I really want to do?

My husband said that he is always "putting out fires" - doing the things that people are asking about right now.  That's the same for me.  (He's not a fireman, but I did just picture him as a fireman...hot!) Anyway.....I am always putting stuff off to do other stuff.  I really need to just get some shit done, tell other people that they can wait.  I need a schedule.

I wish there was a way that I could tell that one day was ending and a new day was starting.  You know, like it gets light and then dark, that would be super helpful.

In other words, I need to get my shit together.  I need to figure out what my shit is, and what I want my shit to be.  What is important?  What can I let go of, and I mean really let go - not just not do it, but not even think about doing it, and letting go of the stress and the guilt that I should be doing it.

I've let go of some "friendship" stress, that felt great.  I had coffee with 2 real friends, and it felt so nice to be with people that I actually liked.  I've stopped spending so much time with "time suckers".

I think a big struggle is that I have had a schedule all of my life, and the I have really struggled the last 7 years without that structure.  I think that I don't like structure, so I avoid it, but I think that if I just instilled some structure, that would actually help me.  It's like the old budget debate.  But that is another story.

So, the plan is, get my shit together.  Find out what my shit is first.  This whole idea, it somehow doesn't feel new.  It feels like I've been here before....

Is getting sick good for you?

I am fully aware that getting sick builds up antibodies that protect your body from getting that illness again, and enables your immune system to become stronger.  But that's not where I am going with this.

I have been sick for a little over a week.  Last week was nausea and the sweats, Sunday was pure exhaustion, and for the last few days I have had a sinus thing, I've lost my voice and feel just like complete crap.

But.....yesterday I felt that my brain at least was recovering.  I, for some strange reason, had some wonderful new ideas for my yard. This is odd because there is a few feet of snow on the ground, its been there for weeks and it shows no signs of going away.  But my brain had hope and was looking ahead to spring.  The best news was that my brain had decided to step away from the sick fog and have some thoughts and ideas again.

It happened again this morning.  Now I have already forgotten what those particular ideas were, but I have hope that they will come back to me.  Yesterday I wrote down my ideas before I forgot them.  Give me a break, I've been sick!

I think that when a person gets sick, along with the purging of all the snot (sorry, I know it's gross, but it's true and you know it), you also purge things in your brain that you don't need.  Mine come out my nose, very handy!  Maybe it's just me, but after I have been sick, I get to the point where I can feel the sickness lifting, and I feel fresher, more engaged, and a lot more positive about what is going on in my life.  It really is like a cleanse.

Anyway, maybe it's just me.  All I know is that I dread getting sick, I hate being sick, but at the end of it, I get really excited about not being sick, and think of all the things that I could be doing.  I am still going to hermit myself in the house for at least today, maybe the rest of the week, just in case.  But after that, I am sure I will have a to do list the length of my arm, and I will be really happy to get all those things done.

Who knows, maybe I'll have a mental breakthrough and decide what I want to be when I grow up too! (at the verge of 39, you'd think I'd know by now, but I don't)

Saturday Night's all right for fighting!

So is a Tuesday afternoon.

Unfortunately I didn't get a fight....and I was so prepared!  I am so sick of people complaining about shit to me that I have no control over.  How about instead of complaining, do something about it!

If you don't like what you've got, why don't you change it?  (And other great 80's songs are just floating around in my head)

Do you think that I like everything that I have to do?  I don't, but there are some things that you just have to pull up your big girl panties and deal with.  I don't want to clean my house, but I want a clean house.  I don't want to fund raise, but I don't want my kids to not get the opportunities that they should be getting.  I don't want to talk to parents about fundraising, or about anything really.  If you have so little in life to do but complain about stuff, then I don't want to talk to you at all.

Life really shouldn't be so painful.  Get the crap done and enjoy the good stuff.  You don't have any good stuff?  Not my problem - go talk to someone who cares.

I am tired of people thinking that they can walk all over me.  I try really hard not to be a bitch, because I don't think it's necessary.  But if I have to be a bitch, well, then I guess I will be.  But I will pull out the bitch only when needed, and try to be nice the rest of the time.  I just don't have the energy to keep up the bitch like I used too.  But I have to hand it to her, the bitch gets stuff done.

There's my rant for today.  If anyone is looking for a fight, I've still got some fight in me.  But after that, I am taking a well deserved nap!  Being sick makes me a little more goal oriented I think.

Can I run away?

And why do I feel like I need to ask permission to run away?  I never did as a kid, I just left.  That's the point of running away!

I'm not having a breakdown....I don't think. I just feel like I could really use a vacation, by myself.

I yelled at the kids this morning, which makes them have a bad start to the day, and then I feel like crap for doing it.  They just don't appreciate what I do for them.  Even the things that I don't do for them, I still have to tell them to do it!  I almost picked up a pile of my son's soccer stuff last night to put away, my husband told me to leave it and make my son take care of it.  Nice idea, but then I go to the laundry room to see my husband's crap all over the place in there!  If I don't clean it up, then I have to step over it all the time.  Where do I draw the line?  Do I yell at him - which will then make him say that he has barely anything lying around and if that's how I want to be, he'll clean up his stuff and no one else's......which would mean what?  That all would be normal, because he still wouldn't clean up his stuff and his shit would still be all over the place anyway!

So I'm thinking Germany for my solo vacation!  But the problem is the weather, I don't want to go from crappy weather here to crappy weather there.  Then I think about someplace sunny.  Where could I go that would be sunny, I'd feel safe walking around all over the place alone...and then lets get realistic, I couldn't do it.  My family would die without me.

They'd miss all their soccer games and practices because no one would be there to make sure they know what's going on each day, instead of doing laundry, my husband would just make them all re wear their clothes, underwear included.  They'd eat out every day because no one even knows how to make toast, then they'd get diarrhea or constipation due to all the crap they'd been eating, they'd die from that, or sugar coma's!  If they somehow made it through all of that, my daughter would stop leaving the house because I am not there to fix her hair or make-up, all of my son's teeth would fall out because he can't remember to brush them, my husband would forget that he had kids and just go play soccer all day and night, then smoke himself to death afterwards.

Now I realize I might sound a little bitter.  That sounds about right.

I know what you are thinking, why not make them do things for themselves?  What the heck do you think I have been trying to do???  Or maybe you are thinking that I should get a job to have something for me.  Well no thanks.  I do not want to work for some dipshit that just makes me feel the same way I do at home.  No one could pay me enough to go back to that.

Stay at home Mom's have a difficult position.  (Please don't think that I think working Mom's have it any easier - I know they don't, I've been there too.)  But since I am here, now, this is how I feel.  I don't have a job, so my job is to take care of the house and the kids and the husband, do the errands, and all the crap that needs to get done.  But if I do it all, what am I teaching my kids AND my husband?  That they have a nice little slave?  Then if I don't do it, well then I am not doing my part.  Bahhh! I just can't win.

I just want a little appreciation, and really, some time off.  Even vacation with them isn't time off because I still have to remind them to do stuff and clean up their crap.  Yes, a solo vacation is my dream.  I think I am just going to have to make it a reality.  The only question then is....how long can I go away for that will give me enough time to calm down, and the family enough time to learn how to do shit on their own?