It's been a long week

I have been running around like crazy since Monday morning, just waiting for this week to be over.  I've been busy every day, all day and it's really taking its toll on me.  I have a very rare afternoon off right now and I am not sure where to start from here.

Yesterday was brutal, I woke up exhausted, I took 2 pills in the morning and one in the afternoon, and I still needed a nap after school.  It doesn't help that I have been up late very night doing stuff that needs to be done, and I haven't been getting enough actual hours in bed, so probably not near enough sleep.  I am hoping to catch up this weekend, if anyone wakes me up before 8:30 or 9, I might just go postal!

All week I have been doing the things that I haven't been able to get around to for the last, I don't know, year?  The more I remember, the more I remember that I have forgotten!  I finally got blinds for the master bedroom ordered - it's a good thing too - the curtain rods are literally falling out of the walls!  I know, that's just sad and so very trashy!

I have been at the school a lot the last week, as usual, but it's gotten to the point that I am angry!  Not about being at the school, I love that.  I love being with the kids and seeing what they are doing.  What I am mad about is the other parents that are NEVER there!  Where the hell are they all?  I get it, so people work full time.  Oh wait, I used to too, and I still did the reading program at the school with my daughter. I know people are busy...oh wait...I'm busy too!  I may not have a job, but I have a lot of stuff to do.  Between taking care of the house and the kids, and the finances, I also volunteer a lot, I go to the gym, play soccer, drive to soccer, coach soccer, I help out my friends, I have tons of doctor appointments all the time, and .....wait for it.....I have a freaking sleep disorder so I am exhausted all the time!  So there really are no excuses for those deadbeat parents!

Some of those parents just can't be bothered to parent their kids at home, why the hell would they want to hang out with them and be a part of their school life.  And trust me, if you are an uninvolved parent, it shows.  Those are the kids in grade 3 that are using the F word (and unbelievable the C word) at school and saying them to grade 2 students.  Those are the kids that have crap in their lunch every day, those are the kids that are the bullies, the sluts, the ones with self esteem problems.  I don't blame the kids, I blame the useless parents.  I am NOT the perfect parent, far from it.  But I am involved and I am present.  And let's face it, my kids adore me, so I must be doing something right.

So you see, it's been a long week.  I am cranky, I am mad and ranting about things I can nothing about, and I am soooo tired.  I also look like hell this week - awesome.

There's my rant for today - no doubt you've seen this rant before, and I am sure you will see it again.  Other than this being a brutal week, things are still looking up.  I do feel like I am on the right track with the sleeping issues.  I had almost a full week of being awake, I am sure I can make that happen again.  I really liked it too - I did get a lot done!  Life is great, I can't complain, even though I do anyway!  I feel crappy right now, but I know it won't last.  I am still hopeful, happy and always learning and growing.  My next step?  Learning how to say NO!

What a difference a day makes

Today was unlike any day that I have experienced in a VERY long time.  I took my new pill yesterday afternoon and felt great for the rest of the day and night.  I took my sleeping pill last night and slept like a baby.  I got up - went outside in my jammies to let the annoying borrowed dog out - and took my anti-narcoleptic pill.  I then got on with my day, you won't believe what I got done!

I took the kids to school, took the annoying dog for a walk, went home, got ready, got the kids some lunches as I didn't make them last night ( I make lunches 99% of the time, but last night the lunch kits were dirty and I hate making school lunches, so I just didn't), and took the lunch to the kids.  I then went and loaded up on stuff for the garden, bought a new sweater and bathing suit, and a gift for a friend.  Then, I went to the mall, parked at one end, walked very quickly all the way to the other end to get my face wash and stuff that was on sale, added to the gift for my friend, got some t shirts, got some soap and at 2pm, finally sat down to eat lunch.

This is where it gets interesting!  I ordered a normal lunch, some veggies, chicken and noodles and I couldn't even eat half of it!  This has never happened before.  I am NOT kidding.  I almost always clean my plate, if I even remotely like the food, I will finish it.  Today I realized I was full halfway through and I couldn't even take one more bite.  It was really weird.  I'm not sure if the new pills suppress my appetite, I hope they do, but this could just be a fluke.  All I know is that I have never not finished a meal that I liked.  AND...I didn't even want dessert after.

I feel so good, it's amazing.  If this is what it feels like when I am awake, I want to feel like this everyday! It's almost funny that I am taking anti-narcoleptic pills.  Not that I have narcolepsy, or think having it is even remotely funny, but the things they call pills.  The doctor called them an alerting medication, I call them legal speed.  But like I said, I don't feel high or jittery, just awake.  I have been half asleep for so long, I just want to do things.  I want to be outside, I want to go for a walk, I want to talk to my kids, my husband and my friends.  I just don't feel the need to nap.  I am going on 2 days without a nap - I think it may be a record!

A diagnosis!

I was going to call this post "Legal Speed" but then I thought that might attract unwanted attention from ne'er do well's and possibly the police - so I decided against it.

I have been given a diagnosis of Sleep breathing disorder. As I have said a few weeks ago, this is what they thought I had, but now it is confirmed. I also have pathological day sleepiness. The good news in all this is that I will be fitted for a mouth piece that should take care of my problem - and I don't have to wear the dreaded sleep mask - and I have sleeping pills to last me until I get used to that device. The REALLY good news is that I was also prescribed an alerting medication! Otherwise known as legal speed!

I took my first pill this afternoon, right after lunch. I have to admit that I have a bit of a headache, but nothing I can't handle, and I only started yawning at 9pm. Before that I felt...what is the word for it....ah yes, AWAKE! Not high, not crazy energetic or anything, but awake! I felt so good after I saw the doctor that I immediately went to the gym and had a quick run, did some weights, got hit on by a 25 year old guy, and did 200 sit ups! I then went to get my pills, went home, ate lunch, showered and then took my first pill. I didn't need a nap, I didn't think about a nap, I didn't even barely sit down all evening, and it felt great!!! When I did sit down, I didn't get drowsy. When I started to yawn, I didn't feel like I was so desperate for sleep that I felt sick. It was great! I visited with a friend after school, I came home and made supper, I got my daughter back to the school for her band performance, stayed there for 2 hours, came home and walked my Mom's annoying dog, put the kids to bed and wrote this. All that without the desperation (and crankiness) of being sooo tired.

Now that I can be awake, just imagine what I can accomplish! I can clean the house, do errands, get through a day without wasting so much time on the couch sleeping or thinking about when I can get my next "fix"...aka nap. If I can get all that normal and boring stuff done, maybe I can even make some goals and achieve them! I don't want to get too ahead of myself, I know it's just the first day, but I don't waste so much time sleeping, I can actual get stuff done and want to get stuff done. It was such a huge relief getting this diagnosis.

I called my husband after and he was "oh, that's good", and I was annoyed that he didn't understand how HUGE this was for me! So I called my big sister and she yelled and congratulated me like I needed. I felt much better after getting that understanding reaction. Most people just don't know what it's like to be sleep deprived for so long. I thought I'd be ok once the kids started sleeping through the night, like I could get more sleep too. But sleep, good, restful sleep, eluded me for so long.

I feel so hopeful that I will be able to have a life again. I felt literally like a drug addict, and sleeping was my drug, but it never made me feel any better. Now, I am like a drug addict taking my pills to keep me awake and then ones to make me sleep, but I will do anything to get to that point where I have a mouth piece and that does it all for me. It was interesting seeing the results of the sleep study. I even saw the video of me, sleeping in bed and tossing and turning. You can see on the results page where I am asleep, where I gasp for breath, where I wake up - it's all in the brain waves. It's crazy.

This isn't the end of the road yet, I still have to be fitted for the mouth piece, and go back for adjustments. I still have to see the doctor to make sure it's working, and of course I have the pills for now. The diagnosis is the climax of this story and it's all conclusion from here.

Eat right, exercise, die anyway

I saw that on a bumper sticker after grocery shopping today. It made me laugh. I do spend a lot of time worrying about eating right and exercising.

I spend a lot of time actually exercising, but the eating right, I haven't got that down just yet. I eat all sorts of healthy stuff, but I just really like food. It's yummy! And the things that I love seem to be really bad for me. Don't get me wrong, I love salad and veggies, fruits and yogurts. But I really love ice cream...it calls my name when it's in the house. I also really love it when other people make me food, like restaurants.

I love going to a restaurant all by myself, with a book, and eat what I want to eat, and not have to worry about how long it will take to make and cleaning up after myself. I love my lunches alone. I find that being alone is so relaxing. I just read my book, and take as long as I want. I get to choose where I go, at what time, and stay as long as I want to. Eating with other people is always so noisy! They insist on talking while I'm eating! My husband and the kids are the worst! I know it sounds terribly antisocial, but I think I need more down time, or alone time than most people.

Back to the eating right and stuff. I do worry about all that, but I also know that life without pleasure is not worth living. I like to eat, so I do. I actually am one of those rare people (especially given my size) that love to exercise. It makes me feel good and powerful. Exercise is something that I can do to make myself healthier. I love to run and lifts weights, I love to swim, play soccer and push my body further and further. One day, hopefully not anytime soon, I will die. I will be happy that I was happy with myself, ate all that ice cream and worked my ass off at the gym and on the soccer field. I don't think I will regret anything. Maybe I will worry a little less and push myself just a little bit more. That'll even it all out.....right??

A whole lot of nothing

The kids are off school this week and our plan was to do a whole lot of nothing - so far we have been very successful! I've slept in, we did go to Shakers (an indoor play place with laser tag, a climbing wall, and go carts outside). We were there all day yesterday, and although I only played a few games of laser tag, I went home very tired.

We had our second last soccer game on Monday and we tied. It was awful. The other team tied us in the last minute of the game with the most beautiful shot. I didn't score, again, but I am integrating a lot of new moves that my husband(coach) has taught me. He was very proud. Maybe I can get a goal in the last game of the season.

Today is a lot more of nothing. My daughter has a sleep over and I need to do some errands, but its nice not to rush around. Next week will be another story. Luckily my brain is back into planning mode, so I do have a few projects that I am going to be working on, like finally painting the master bedroom and getting new blinds. Boring I know, but its got to be done.

I have still not booked my Europe trip - I am upset about that every day. I think about it every day and every day that we haven't booked it makes me feel like its not going to happen. We have never booked so late. I feel like I am on a speeding train to book and if I don't get it done, then I am going to miss it! Yes I am a bit crazy, I am aware.

So that's it for this week. I expect not much else to happen any time soon. If I am boring this week, please forgive me!

Adult Conversations....but its not what you think

I just had a bunch of the school Mom's over for coffee this morning. We bagged some candy for Easter, talked, had coffee and snacks - and it was all hosted by me! I know, I invited people over to my house willingly!

It's not that I don't like to entertain, but I used to be so high strung about it and now I know that I don't have to be. I decided to have them over because I need to make those connections with people. We have been going out for lunch, a bunch of us, from time to time, and I thought coffee would be a nice (inexpensive) way to chat and discuss whatever.

The coffee couldn't have gone better. It was nice to just sit around and chat, ask opinions, get advice, get contacts for endeavours. It was just a really nice thing to be able to do. I don't have a ton of friends and I really like these girls, why not try to make a bit more out of the friendships.

My daughter is having issues with friends right now and I asked the girls advice. They gave me some good ideas, but the best advice was the fact that I was able to go out on a limb and just invite people into my world. People who are not the same as me - different upbringings, different experiences, different income levels - none of that matters when you have someone that you can talk to. It doesn't matter if they agree with my opinions, it does matter that we can have a conversation, and I leave the conversation feeling like I connected with someone. All these girls are so different, and yet we have the same things going on in our lives.

It was such a relaxed visit. The other girls now feel that we should do this once a month, revolve the location, and I couldn't agree more. For a very long time, I didn't have any friends, and I didn't feel like I needed any. I now feel like I have lots of friends and it feels so good to be able to talk to someone about all sorts of things, trivial, serious, it doesn't matter. It just felt nice to have people around me again. I never used to be alone when I was a teenager, I surrounded myself with people because I always felt so alone. Being with people didn't seem to help, but I kept trying. I don't feel alone anymore - mostly because the relationship with my husband is so good, but I have friends too, and that feels wonderful.

Making a connection with someone is really everything in life. My connection to my kids and husband are paramount, but you add a connection to some friends and life just feels complete. I don't have connections much with my family - my sister, whom I adore, is really all I have, and I wouldn't give her up for the world. But having a few friends that I can talk to on a daily basis really changes how I feel some days. They are there to hug me when I'm upset, and let me yell when I need to. I think it's going to be a whole lot of fun getting to know these girls even better.