What's your closet?

My closet?  I'm a crier, I'm super emotional.  I try to stifle it, I try to be discreet, I try to breathe through it....but all the while, my body is shaking, I start to make little squeaky noises.  I try so hard to be a cute little dainty crier, but I just can't do it.  I sob, I breathe loudly, I sniffle.  I     just     cry.

Ok, maybe that's just the closet door.  My closet is that I am affected so deeply by all of the things around me.  I try to step back, not be touched by the things that go on around me, and I just can't.

The love for my kids, that makes me cry more than I can tell you.  My kids would tell you.  Mom, are you going to cry?  Yes, kid, yes I am.  And it's ok to cry.  I just love them so much, my body is so filled and overflows with love for them.  I want to hold them and kiss them forever, I want to keep them with me all the time.  But I can't.  They seem to think they "need" to go to school!  So....I cry.  And they cry with me, because they have the same feelings towards me.

The sadness around me, the hope, the fear, the people reaching out, that gets to me.  I can't be there for everyone.  I have to pick and choose who I can feel for.  Most, are not deserving.  They want.  Yes, that's it, they just WANT.  They don't need, they want approval, they want love, but they don't need it, they just think it should be theirs.  They don't want to work for it, they wouldn't appreciate it.  Everyday I have to stop myself from caring about everything because it would just break me.

So I cry.  I cry because I can't make other's see what I see, and I can't give them what they need.  The ones that get it, they cry with me.  Not unhappy tears, the happy, fulfilled, overflowing tears that you just can't stop.  The crying because a song is just so beautiful, the crying that a person just said something that makes absolute sense, the crying because I know that someone else gets it.

I can't stop it, but one day, I hope to control it a little better.  I do not look good even after a little cry.  I turn all red, my nose is stuffy and hurts, my eyes just won't focus.

Upworthy got me again this morning - a post that made me be able to put more words to how I am feeling, and why.  The more I know that other people get it, the more I cry.  It's nice to be able to express how I feel in words instead of tears, even if they aren't my words.  One day I'd like to be able to just express myself instead of crying, instead of holding back all the time.

Upworthy - Ash Beckham

Rules to Live by

Be Authentic
Be Direct
Be Unapologetic

I just want everyone to want more

I am sitting here at my computer, I'd come home after dropping the kids at school so that I could do my banking, and remember to wear my wedding ring before I go tan and finish up my Christmas shopping.  Luckily I also just remembered to take my medication too!

I had an extra few minutes, so of course I checked the Internet, logged into facebook to see what everyone was up to as it is too cold out to see anyone outside!  The fist link on facebook was to Upworthy - and I didn't know it at the start, but apparently I needed a good little cry.  Just take a look if you might need a cry too.

http://www.upworthy.com/watch-a-teenager-bring-his-class-to-tears-just-by-saying-a-few-words-2?c=reccon1

http://www.upworthy.com/watch-a-student-totally-nail-something-about-women-that-ive-been-trying-to-articulate-for-37-years-6?c=reccon1

I'm not crying because I am sad, I am crying because I just want more.

I've said that for the longest time, I want more.  What is it that you want? People ask me, my Mother, my husband.  I want more time, I want to see more, I want to feel more, I want to do more.  I want everyone I see to want more, more honesty, more real conversations.

It's not enough for me to talk about trivial things, maybe that is why I avoid people so much.  I want to talk about what really matters.  What are you feeling?  What do you dream about?

I want to hold my kids, I want to hear what they do, what they want to do, how they think, what happens in their minds.

What does my husband think about?  Does he have deep thoughts?  And why does he feel so afraid to share them with me?

My honesty is seen as rude - I am nosy.  I don't want to know these things because I want to judge you, I want to know these things so that I know you.  I am afraid to ask these questions for so many reasons.  People are afraid of what I want from them, why do I want to know?  I am simply curious, I think we all hide behind what we are supposed to be like, what we want people to see.

I've said it before, and now that I have accepted it, I will say it more.  I am awkward.  I am not embarrassed about this.  I fell on my butt last night in front of a bunch of 11 year olds, and I was ok with them laughing.  I wanted them to.  I fall, I say weird things, that is just who I am, and I will not hide that.  For the most part, I am honest, I am exactly what you see.  If I am being shallow and not being my true self, I think it is because you may not be able to handle me, and you are not being honest, or capable of being your true self with me.  And that's ok, not everyone can be that open.  It's scary.

It took me a long time to get here, and now that I am, I am ok with being just how I am.  I will cry at weird things, I will fall, I will say strange things, I will ask weird questions.  But when I am like that, that's me, and I will not let anyone make me feel bad about that.

I have a hard time pushing others to be honest.  I don't like to be confrontational, I won't call you out on your mistakes unless I have to.  But me, I will tell you what I did wrong, how can I fix things if I can't admit that I did something wrong?  I feel so out of place with people, and it's not because I don't care, its because I care too much and I have been let down so many times.  When you are ready to be real, that's when you can handle me, and that is where I really shine.

2 for me!

Maybe even 3!

Being cryptic is not my strong suit, I must explain myself.

I finished what I was supposed to do on the website I was working on, and I am writing on my blog again, twice in 2 days!  The third one is that I played a game last night!

Yes, it's true, I impress myself easily!

I think the sick kid is on the mend, I have been awake all day and haven't even thought about taking a nap, I will get the other kid to try on her shorts and bathing suits to see if we need to buy anything for our trip to Mexico, and the house is kind of clean!  Yay me!

I am hoping that I get to get some stuff done next week - aside from the appointments that I and the kids have, a few trips to the school, and a bunch of soccer things.....you know, the stuff I am always doing no matter what.  I am trying hard to get to the stuff that I want to do.  No, I can't just go do it.  All that other stuff needs my attention before I feel like I have time for my interests.

A stay at home Mom's job is never done.

(ps...my spell check has gone missing, so if I spelled anything wrong...well then I missed it and I can just tell you that I really do know how to spell, I just can't always prove it!)

Surprise! I'm still unorganized!

I've been at home with a sick kid all week, and I haven't done much of anything.  Well of course I have done tons of things, but never the stuff I think I should be getting done!

The hardwood floors are complete throughout the main floor.  The living/Lego room and dining room have been dusted and arranged.  But that's about it, I still have a ton of dust everywhere else.  I did get the upstairs clean last week, so that's something.

Today I've been tidying, bring the sick one drinks and taking his temperature.  I've also been updating my husband's website and adding a photo gallery.  That is taking a lot longer than I wanted - the slide show has been saving for 5 minutes already!

Other than that, the last few weeks have been filled with doing the hardwood, managing the U12 boys team, starting and completing a fundraiser for the school, playing soccer, and general tidying.  And I've been baking a lot!  I'm not sure why, but whatever, it makes the boys soccer team happy when I bring them treats, and the kids are thrilled to have homemade treats to eat.

I've decided that my goal is not to become organized.  I figure, the day I become organized, it will be such a shock to my system, that I will just keel over and die.  I've thought a lot about getting a personal assistant, but I doubt I would let them do any of the stuff that I want done, and that would mean I would have to spend time with someone!  Ach, no thanks.

My goal is to keep doing the things I like to do, and keep not doing the things I don't like to do!  Pretty achievable, I think!

Next discussion - why are some people so stupid???

Nobody cares!

It's true, nobody cares.  Not in the "oh whoa is me, no one cares, boo hoo" kind of way.

What I mean is, no one really cares what you are doing, unless they do.  No one cares what you ate, how far you ran, what sports you play, how important you THINK you are.  Everyone is so hell bent on telling the world that "I" did this and "I" did that.  Facebook, Instagram, all social media really, was set up so that we could tell the world what we are doing.  You also get that in person too - old fashioned I know.  People tell me all the time about the stuff they do - and some I care about.  Some I care a lot about.  But those other people, they are really telling me why I should think they are important.

I found myself updating my status, I scored a goal, I played a game of soccer, I got a bruise, I volunteer at the school, blah, blah, blah.  No one cares!  And you know what, if they do care, they care and will ask you about it.  Everyone is so self involved, they want to be seen as important.  I have to ask, important to who?  Why do they care if I think they are important?

I am important - to my kids, to my husband, my sisters.  That's all that really matters.  And they will care, they will ask about me, because they want to know me.  All those other people, they could care less what I am doing.  How do I know this?  They DON'T ask about me.  All they care about is telling me about what they did.  And funnily enough, I don't care!  I'm not even sure why I listen to some of these people, its a waste of my time!  I don't care that you ran today, I care if I ran today.  I care about what my kids are doing, how my husband's day was.  They are so important to me, that they don't need to prove that they are important.

I've always wondered why some people seem to think that they are so important.  They walk around telling us that they are important, and we just blindly believe them that they are important.  But I'm tired of it.  I've learned.  I know who is important to me, and who I am important to.  Who are you to tell me that you are important?

I've used the word important so much - it is now meaningless!

I'm not going to do it anymore - if you think you are so important, prove it!  Don't tell me about it!  I got into the whole thing trying to explain my importance, and I realized that I don't have to.  I know who I am important to, I know who is important to me.  That's all I really need.

So when people tell me all about why they are so important, instead of thinking to myself "they must be important....or why do I want to punch you in the face so badly", I will simply understand that I know why that whole spiel bugs me.  I will understand why I have a sudden urge to kick them.  They aren't important to me, and no matter what they say, I will not be convinced.  And the ones that are important to me, I will listen to, and be happy that I know how great they are.

This ended up being a little more "ranty*"  than I thought it would be.  But whatever.  It's also a little "Mr. Brady* speechy".

*Ranty - you know, standing on your soapbox shouting, *Mr. Brady.....long, overdone, repetitive. Yes, ranty and speechy are now words, deal with it!  Not my best work, but I do feel better getting that off my chest!

Well finally!

The depression fog has just lifted!  Yay!

I am super tired right now, but in the giddy overtired, I'm talking crazy, kind of way.  But the little fog I have been in seems to be clearing.  I got up this morning and everything just seemed ok again.

I don't know if it was sadness about losing the kids to school, or what, but I was not feeling all that great the last week or so.  I don't know why I'd be sad about the kids, they are so noisy, and they fight, and they always want me to feed them!  But they are super cute and snugly, and they have fun stories.  You can see how I might be torn about losing them for the school day.

I've got lots done already today - I took a nice walk, had some good conversation, made a bunch of appointments...by calling people on the phone!  I also called the pharmacy and spoke to a real person to get my refills, I spoke to yet another person with the police for them to send out a cruiser to patrol the maniacs that drive through our school zone area.  Yup, I used the phone several times.

I have a few more calls to make, a bunch of stuff to do on the computer - reminding myself the whole time to watch my posture so as not to get another headache.  Then I will treat myself to a little "Orange is the new Black" for lunch!  The only trouble is, I am on the last episode and I heard the new ones won't be out until 2014!!!!  What the heck am I going to watch for fun?

Things are looking good, life is good, I'm happy, healthy and.....what's another h word I can use?  (Get your mind out of the gutter, I just thought that one too though.)  Hopeful?  Holiday bound?  I wish.  HOME, that one works.  Done.

I must finish all my crap so I can deserve my show - delayed gratification and all that.

Oi, blah, pffft and ok

Yes I know, random title.

That's kind of how I feel today.  I had a game last night, we won, it was awesome.  But I felt like I played like crap!  Oh well.  Had a crappy sleep last night, went for a nice walk this morning with friends and then went to buy more milk.  Then I looked in the mirror, and I looked like I had gone feral.  Not a good look for me.  My hair was a bit wild and my eyes were a bit glassy.  But I remembered to get milk and even gas.  Yay.

I came home and did a few odd bits of things, cleaned the kitchen a bit, disposed of a few mice caught in the garden, sent some emails.

Then I actually answered the phone....and it was an unknown name!  Let that sink in ................
...................................and then I spoke to a person for over 10 minutes!  Need more time to be astonished?

Anyway...a parent new to our school called me to ask a few questions, and I think I was actually helpful.  Her kid was taken out of the original class he was placed in, and was really upset about it.  I told her who to talk to, to see if they can put him back in the original class.  I really hope they can, when a kid clicks with a teacher it really makes a difference to their school year.  Her child is a bit, for lack of a better word, sensitive.  I don't know him, but that's what word she finally used.  I totally get it.  My son is the same way.  Not sensitive, like he will cry all the time or is fragile, he just needs to be talked to a certain way, or explained things a certain way.  We all do have our own ways, he is just a very gentle soul and will become a great person, a great man, if we can keep him gentle.  There aren't a lot of people like him out there, and I really want him to be that sweet person all his life.

That made me feel pretty good about myself, kind of like I am conquering my fears a little bit.  It's not easy being social!

I've had a trying few days, I wanted this school year to be less crazy than last year.  I want to be on time for school, I don't want to yell at the kids at bed time and in the morning!  Last night I came home, after being gone for 4 hours, my son's chores had been done, but he hadn't showered or did his 30 minutes of reading.  I had to get firm.  I told him it wasn't my responsibility to make sure that stuff got done. He has to be more responsible for those things now.  He's 10!  Not 3.  He told me that I should let him stay up later so he could finish reading.  I held my ground and said no, it wasn't my problem, he could have done that while I was at soccer.  So he was mad, he wouldn't kiss me and he fell asleep.  Morning comes, he got up, took a shower and read while he ate his breakfast, and set a timer to make sure he got the full time in!  That is a real Yay!

My daughter also hadn't showered, was still "doing her homework", and didn't do the dishes like I had asked her to.  She said she wasn't sure if I wanted them done!  I told her, that if there was any question about that, to just do it and assume I wanted them done.

They really need to be more responsible, and that means that I have to step back, and be consistent.  I always talk about that, and then I let things slide, and they take advantage.

I am trying really hard to keep on top of things.  I found that I was so behind on so many things last school year, that I just stopped doing things when they piled up.  Not anymore!  I have returned a bunch of emails already, that I normally would just worry about.  I am going to make sure that I have my priorities and stand my ground, say no every once in a while, and take more real time for me.  Not shopping time!

I will just remind myself of that as often as possible, and just do stuff to get it off my plate.  As I say that, the office around me is in shambles, and I will try to pick out the important stuff, do it, and not worry about the rest.  Ahh, September.  Always a fresh start!

Back to school

The kids went back to school today, grade 9 and 5, we got great teachers and I am excited for them.

As I walk away from the school, I feel a little bit lost.  Like 2 pieces of me are missing.  I know that I can run off and do whatever I want to do - like get bread, go to Walmart, get some groceries.....wait a second.  That's NOT what I want to be doing!  But it needs to be done, and it is always so much easier and quicker to do those things without the kids in tow, no matter how old they are!

But the first few days back at school, there is a huge sense of something missing.  Yes, they drive me crazy with all the talking and the fighting, the singing at my face, the weird noises they make because they think they are funny, the quotes from the Internet that never seem to end.  I walk away from the school alone, and I miss them.  I know it's silly, but I do.  I just want them back for a minute so I can hug them and kiss them and just be with them.

After a few days I will get used to the house being quiet for a few hours, I will get to drive and listen to the music I like, as loud as I like, without a yell to turn it down!  Or change the song!  I enjoy being alone, I enjoy the time off to do my stuff, and all that other crap that I have to do.  I will be so happy in a few days...but for right now, I am a little bit sad and a little bit missing the noise.

Don't worry, I will get over it, and I will love it and look forward to it.  Look at all the things I will get to do!  I can watch an episode of Orange is the new Black (LOVE this show) without having to pause when the kids pass through.  That show is NOT appropriate for kids at all!  I could watch 2 episodes and eat ice cream and do nothing all day long!  I won't.  But one day I really should!

I can paint my bedroom!  The paint was bought maybe a year ago and I didn't get a chance to do it yet. I can read a book, have a quiet lunch, go for a run, go bra shopping!  But today, I will just do the errands, maybe buy the kids some first day back cupcakes.  I will think about them all day and I will hug them and kiss them after school until they beg me to stop.  And then tonight, they will drive me crazy with the noise, and I will look ahead to tomorrow.

September always feels like a new start for me, and this year is no different.  But I think I will put that new start off until tomorrow, or next week.  Right now I will just miss my kids and count the minutes until I get to see them again!

I am kicking a$$!

I did my first 5K this weekend!!!  I had already played a soccer game that afternoon, the whole game as we were short 4 players!  So needless to say I was very tired, the race was a lot harder than I thought it would be because I can run 5K pretty easy.  I am chalking my time up to that, and I have decided that the next time I do a 5K, I will not play soccer a few hours before!

I am very pleased that did it, I finished it, and I even had a nice big finish!  I ran with a group of really great people, and they were so supportive.  The boys and Theresa are runners and had no problems finishing - the other 2 girls have just started running - Robin had back surgery 2 years ago and has lost about 80 pounds since!  Tina has lost about 45 pounds in the last year!  Both girls never understood why I ran, but I think they get it now!  (They both beat my time!)

It was such a great night, we had a lot of fun and I really can't wait to do the next one.  I am a bit sore today, not as sore as I thought I'd be yesterday though.

All my accomplishments are being documented on my "My Coach" from Adidas, and my new Jawbone Up.  I Love these devices!!!  I can't wear the jawbone to play soccer, but I use the My Coach, but I can wear both for runs.  I wear the Up all the time, it tracks my daily movement and my sleep (SOOO important to me, and the reason I bought it) it can also track food, but I'm not doing that yet.

I just love having proof of all the activity that I am doing.  It makes it more real for me, and it makes me want to move even more.

I am down 40 pounds now and I hope to maybe lose about 10 more.  I am not concerned with the number so much as I am concerned about how I am feeling and getting rid of a bit more jiggle!  I really just want to feel good and have more energy to do more things...and stay awake all day!

Finally running my first 5K has really made an impact on me.  I know I can do it, and I know I can make a better time next time.  I am not nervous to do it again, and I can't wait to find another run as soon as I can.  I am missing the next run with those friends due to "scheduling conflicts"!  But I'll find another one, and my husband said that he'd love to join me next time!  Mini date!

I feel great, I am loving all the activities that I normally do and I am excited to add new ones.  We've been playing tennis a lot, I've tried paddle boarding and my husband might even get me on a Windsurf this summer, we'll see!

Looking forward to routine!

It's been a great summer, and I am not wishing it away, but I am looking forward to some sort of routine!  Every day here is different, what time I get up, what I am doing, if we are travelling, going to numerous soccer games, you get the picture.  Anyone that doesn't have a regular full time job knows what I am talking about.  Everyday holds something new and different.  It's not always a good thing.

The house doesn't get cleaned, the laundry is done all the time, but never put away.  The kids have no idea what to do with all the time they have, especially when they have no soccer.

I am not complaining, but I am having a hard time getting my Sh*t together!  Oh wait, that's not new for me is it?  But for me to function without routine, even harder!

The kids are on the countdown to back to school, and I am on the countdown to some me time!  A little bit of shopping, some house cleaning, getting rid of more junk around the house, painting my bedroom....that one has been waiting over a year!

I love having something to look forward to!  I love summer, I love being with the kids.  We always have great adventures, but there is always something that is happening next.  I choose to "look forward" to it, than see the end of summer.  Even little things, checking on my plants in the morning, seeing how well my clematis has grown, checking the mouse traps to see if I have any new "dead friends".  (None for a few days now, and there are no signs of any living mouse activity!)

Today I look forward to maybe getting the laundry put away.  Tomorrow a hike in Canmore.  I feel good, I feel like everything is going well.  I have so many things to look forward to.  Although I didn't get my summer trip to Europe, I look forward to planning the next trip, whatever that may be!

Hello Summer!!

Summer is here, the weather is awesome, and I feel like doing everything and nothing all at once!

Some days I have done a bunch of things, painting, errands, hanging out with the kids, but at the end of the day, I feel like I haven't done enough.  I am going to have to think about each day at the end of the day and see if it feels like it has been a good day.  Then I will make sure that I do similar things that make me feel the same way.

I kind of want to spend the whole day outside, sometimes alone, but sometimes with the kids.  I don't know how to get the kids outside to play though.  They just don't "play" like I did when I was a kid.  I have no idea what I was even doing as a kid, so I can't even help them with ideas.  I think that they should just be creative and do stuff that they think is fun.  At the lake, my son doesn't know what to do with himself without other people.  I don't mind playing in the sand with him sometimes, or going for a swim, but he's got to learn to do these things himself, or go find someone else to play with....himself!  I'm the Mom, I should be able to just hang out if I want to.

I love summer, but it does frustrate me.  Not going to Europe this summer has been a complete bummer, but I think I can manage, as long as I don't think about it too much.

I just wish the kids could just get off their butts and have some fun that doesn't include technology, or being inside all the time.

My greatest accomplishment

I know I am not done yet in life - there will be more accomplishments, but last night I realized I had done what I had set out to do in life.

I was putting the kids to bed and for some reason it finally hit me, my kids are my greatest accomplishment.  Not who they are, how they behave, or what they do in life.  But the fact that I wanted to be so close to my kids, and to have them always know that they are loved.  Wherever they go in life, they carry my love with them.  No matter what happens, no matter what they do, no matter how far away from me they are - they will know that they are loved.  What else could a person really want?

I've always known that I am close with my kids, they've always known that I love them.  But last night, it really became clear that I have achieved something great in my lifetime.

I know that I wasn't put on this earth to be doctor, an inventor, a professor.  I was never meant to be a person who is famous, or written about.  I never did care for any of that anyway.  I just wanted to know what my place was in life, that's all.

I don't need "success" as other people see success.  I wanted the way I feel, a piece of me, to outlive me.  There was something inside of me that needed an outlet, and it is my kids.  I sometimes wonder why it takes me so long to realize these things, and then I guess I know that if it were something I just knew, it might not mean as much.

Not only do my kids get to carry this feeling, this knowledge with them, so do I.  It doesn't matter what I do for the rest of my life, I will always have this.  This feeling, this understanding, that will always be with me, and no one can ever take that away.

My junk is procreating

As I wander about the house, I notice small things that need attention.  The drawer that I shove all my junk that I don't know what to do with, or "will deal with later".  The laundry room that is always in chaos.  My beautiful dining room that has been overtaken by a small aircraft.  The den that has never been clean the entire time we have lived here even though I clean it all the time.  The cupboard that doesn't close because it is too full.  The bathroom tap that runs too hot.  The list goes on forever.

I clean the usual, the bathrooms, do the vacuuming, dust, wipe counters....but the house is never really tidy.  I get rid of junk, I took a whole truckload to Value Village last weekend.  I recycle, I never say no to charities that need household items and unwanted clothing.  So why is there always junk, and more junk?  Is my junk having babies and they just scatter themselves around my house trying not to be noticed?

I'm not even shopping all that much.  I have had to buy all new clothes- sadly mine were all too big.  But I get rid of the big clothes, I don't keep them!

I don't want to get rid of everything, I like a lot of my stuff.  There's plenty to look at in my house.  But all the stuff I don't want, I swear I get rid of it!  Does it come back while I'm not looking???

I found out last night that I had no plans for today, that is exceptionally rare.  I plan to do a lot of little things that will hopefully make a big impact on the house.  I've already cleaned the laundry room and fixed the tap that was too hot.  I did the drawer yesterday while the Telus guys were adding to my TV and internet system.

Some days I feel like an unintentional hoarder.  An unwilling one....maybe.

I do know that I put stuff away, find it a home that works, but it always works itself back to where I don't want it.  I might have to start gluing things down!

First I have to take care of the updating of electronics - they aren't junk, but they sure take up a lot of time.  Hopefully I will make a small impact today, and maybe that will make me feel less like I am falling behind.

Always playing Catch up!

I've been doing a really good job of getting "stuff' done, but it seems never ending!

I've cleaned the den a few times, and it's still not clean.  I did manage to clean my bedroom, including pulling out furniture and vacuuming behind it, and washing walls so that I can paint soon.  No one needs to know that I've had the paint to re-paint that particular room for over a year.  Oh whoops, I guess you all know now.  Oh well.  I did stain the window casings....from the new windows that we got at least 2 years ago.  Yes, it is that bad.

I am so busy doing stuff, that I don't do other stuff, so there's always stuff that needs to be caught up on!  Why can't I just get all this stuff done and start doing things I want to do?  Well, I suppose its because if I didn't get all that "stuff" done, I'd be drowning in stuff.  Clothes that don't fit, broken toys, broken light fixtures, plants that need to be planted, things we don't use anymore.

I'm not even buying new things!  I have lost so much weight that most of my clothes don't fit, but it's not fun to HAVE to buy new clothes!  It's fun to find clothing that I like and pick up on the way, but to go out and search for new jeans and shirts that fit, it's work!

I'm not buying items for around the house either.  I've been donating trunk loads of stuff, and I feel like the house is still too cluttered.  I guess I am at that stage where I know I don't need so much stuff, and I can get rid of it if I don't like it.  Things that other people have bought me, that I never really liked, but kept in case they noticed it in my house - ALL GONE!!!  All the clothes that don't fit me are going all the time.  I have blocked off a hallway in the basement with all the bigger items that need to go - it's that bad!  We are planning to borrow the shop truck this weekend for some outdoor work (goodbye finally to the juniper bushes!) and I think it will get used a lot.  I'm going to load up all the big stuff and get rid of that first!

I feel like I am stalling just typing this.  I have a ton of things to do, but here I am typing away!  Ok, here I go....I'm going to get more stuff to get rid of.  On the agenda today - all the shorts that don't fit me.  I hope I still have some that fit.  If not, I guess I'll just wear my soccer gear!

Hello life!

I finally, FINALLY, have my life back!  For this week anyway.

Monday was a bit of a bust, but I think I got a few things done.  Yesterday the kids were home sick, but I still got stuff done.  Today, I have all day to get stuff done!  I got gas, because my gas light went on.  I normally don't leave it under half a tank, but I guess I was busy.  Then I washed the car in and out.  It looks so nice!

I have to update my devices, and keep going on the den.  One day, this room will be clean all the time! Maybe...

I am hoping to get enough of the den done to go to my room in the basement and get that under control.  Once I have all that stuff done, hopefully I can keep up with it and move on to the next projects!

This weekend I had a soccer tournament - we won bronze!  I played 4 games, the first game on Saturday I had a 10 minute shift!  Normal shifts are 30 seconds to 2 minutes.  I was a bit jello legged after that, but I still played well.

My husband tried to inject some chaos into my life again by wanting to go to Germany this weekend.  Yes, in 4 days.  We really wanted to go to the FC Barcelona vs Bayern Munich game in Munich, but we just can't get tickets.  Ok, we can, but they are $400 and up and we're not sure if we can even trust the ticket site as it is second party.  It would have been amazing!  I guess we'll try again another time.

I'm sure I could have pulled an overseas trip off in 4 days, I really am.  But I don't like last minute things.  I'm not really good at spontaneity.

The fundraiser for the school went well, well enough that I will do it again next year.  Behaviour modification therapy has also gone well.  I've learned a lot and know its time to put all of that into action!  A lot of it is day to day stuff, but there is some work I need to do too.  Making goals, having plans....that might take some time for me to figure out.

Overall I am feeling positive and excited about what is to come.  I am excited to get more crap out of my house.  I am looking forward to getting back to the gym to compliment what I already do in soccer. I am also looking forward to focusing on me for a little while.  What do I want to do, what my goals are, that sort of thing.  I am learning to say no, I am panicking less, I even answer the phone from time to time.  But I usually just hang up on people now.  It feels good!

On Friday, I spent the whole day at home working on my stuff.  After school, the kids asked me how my day was and I got to answer - awesome!  To be honest, it was awesome because not one person bugged me all day!  The phone didn't ring, no one asked me to do anything, and I didn't even get any texts!  It was a great day. (I am not anti social - but I do get to decide how much social interaction I have in a day, and I didn't want any that day!) Ha - behaviour modification in action!

Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren't.

RIP Margaret Thatcher

Does anyone have people they can count on?

I am having a very self pitying day today - so bear with me.

I'm going in for a little day surgery, nothing major, I'll be fine tomorrow - and no it's not cosmetic!  I wish....  I was asking my husband to take me to the hospital, he spoke aloud how busy his day was and I kind of jumped down his throat.  I told him I could take a cab if he couldn't find time for me.  He was upset that I thought that he wouldn't do it.  Of course he would do it, he was just making his plan out loud.  That was last night, and I let it go, until this morning.

I thought about who else I could ask so that my husband didn't have to mess up his day.  Do you know who I came up with?  NO ONE.  I don't have one friend that I feel I could ask to do this for me.  (I have sisters that are out of town that would, but it's just a ride, not an emergency)  My MIL?  I could ask her, but I'd never hear the end of it, and she'd want to know exactly what was going on, and she'd probably want to stay with me and I can't handle that.  On second thought, I'd probably have to drive her and myself there and she'd just have to find her way back home.

I know a big part of this is me, I am not big on being around a lot of people, and I really don't have a whole lot of trust in others.  But one friend that I could count on - and I couldn't come up with one.  It kind of made me sad.  I looked through my mental list of friends, and there wasn't anyone there that I would even think of asking.  I am not good at asking for help, and maybe that's why I don't have people in my life that would help me.  Maybe people would help me if I just asked.

I guess the question is, do I want friends that will help me?  Do I have anyone that could become a friend that would help?  I couldn't find one person that I feel like I could have that relationship with.

I readily admit that I keep myself at a distance from most people.  I don't trust them, I've been hurt or tricked, lied to, so many times before, I am not ready to throw myself at the mercy of other people.  I don't know if I am willing to put myself out there enough to have that kind of relationship with someone.

How do other people do it?  Do they just trust easily?  Or do they have people that they have learned to trust - and where did they find those people?

I am sure 2013 is my quest year.  I am on a quest to find myself, and to find answers.  What do I want, what do I need, how can I be a better person?  Do I have to trust other's to be a better person?  Scary thoughts.

I have been so busy the last few weeks - and tomorrow is the end of one project - the big project.  I feel like I can get my life back after that.  That just means that I will hermit away in my house, painting, cleaning and organizing - all the while thinking about what I really want.  It's funny how I see all that work as a break - but that is when I do my best thinking!

Finding my way

Trying to find my place in the world - I'm not sure how long this has been going on, looking back on it, it's been a while.  Maybe when I quit working, maybe when I had kids, maybe I've never known.  I am struggling with what my role is.  I know that I am a Mom, and a great one, I know that I volunteer, occasionally clean the house and do household chores.  I do a lot of errands, I have a lot of appointments for my feet and sleep issues, I have a lot of meetings and spend a lot of time at the school.  But what is my purpose, my role, my designation?  What am I?

A stay at home Mom, yes.  A volunteer, yes.  But what else.  And why do I even care?

As a man, the father, the husband, the bread winner - my husband knows what his role is.  He works, he brings in money, he is the male role model for the kids, he cleans my oven (because I refuse to), he kills the big spiders, he does all the measuring and cutting of things.  His role is very clearly defined.

As the Mother, the female role model, I am doing a good job.  I know what my duties in that position are.  I know that there are things that I now need to give up and pass over to the kids to ensure they leave my home and can function on their own in the future.  I know that I am the one that does the cleaning and the cooking, I do the errands, set the mouse traps, call the bank, pay the bills.  And that's all fine, I don't mind all that.  But what else?  Should there be something else?  I think so.

I don't want to have my kids leave me in a few years and have nothing to do.  But more than that, I want to know that I am somehow productive and valued as a person.  What do people see me as?  Do I care?  No, I don't really care what other's think of me.  This is all coming from within.  I have no pressure from anyone to "be" something.  It's all me, I want to know that I am doing something of value.

I know that raising my kids is the most valuable thing I can be doing.  But I have to have other things so that my kids know that I am not just here for them to take advantage of, not that they do, but that I have a life outside of them.  I am not strictly "just a Mom".  Not that there is anything wrong with just being a Mom, but it doesn't fill my whole day with the kids in school.

It's a whole lot of inner turmoil.  I just want to be productive, I want tangible proof that I am doing things of value and merit, even if they are valuable to only me.  I wrote a list of the things I currently do in a day, and the things I'd rather be doing.  It was kind of an eye opener.  Turns out I'd rather be painting my bedroom than doing a whole lot of other things!

I think it's time to put my foot down, stop letting other people intrude on my life and what I want to be doing.  I have to stop saying yes and start saying no, I'm busy, and you'll have to wait because I do have a life you know!  I don't know when I started letting other people's things dictate my life, but I don't like it, and it has to stop now.

First step - I have to decide what I am doing!

Telephonophobia

I have been looking up the fear of talking on the telephone, and it has a name.  Telephonophobia.  That's so much fun to say!  I do not have this affliction, I thought I might so I looked it up.  Telephonophobia is a reluctance or fear of making or taking phone calls, literally, "fear of telephone(thanks wikipedia).  It would seem that I do have that, but after a quick survey on whether I do or not, I answered too many questions as no, so maybe I just have a reluctance, not an actual phobia.  

Now why on earth am I talking about this?  I guess because it hit me the other day that I was putting off phone calls and actually feeling anxious about making them.  Honestly, I absolutely HATE talking on the phone.  I'm not sure why.  I don't care if I call people at a bad time, I don't worry about awkward pauses, those were some of the questions asked on the questionnaire, and now I can't find it, so I can't tell you what the other things were.  All I remember is that I only answered yes to 2 out of 10.

I can talk to people just fine in person, I can email and text people without issue, it's just the phone.  Sometimes I think that I will get stuck on the phone and won't be able to get off.(which is silly, I can just hang up on people. I don't, but I could.  I can't run away from people in person, I could, but then they might think I need to be institutionalized!) Sometimes talking is just too much effort and I just don't have it in me to be coherent.  I can talk to my husband on the phone without issue, but there have been times that I've told him that I need to get off the phone because I just don't want to talk on the phone anymore.  He loves to talk to me on the phone, it drives me crazy.  I can hardly hear him half the time, and the other half, he has people talking to him in the background or his radar detector is going off in his car.  He has bluetooth and I can hear everything in the car around him...horns honking, wind if the window is open, and sometimes just the static alone makes me want to reach through the phone and punch him.  Instead of doing that, I just make him let me go.  

I am absolutely sure that I don't have this phobia as I spoke on the phone all morning without issue.  I called a bunch of people about a fundraiser, spoke to 3 different people, one for at least a half hour.  I called to book a hotel room for a soccer tournament, I called 311 regarding some vehicles that have been parked on my street for MONTHS, and haven't moved once.  I even answered my cell phone when it rang with an unknown number.  It was a friend calling from her work number, but I didn't know that and answered anyway. I don't normally do that.  At home, when the phone rings, I make other people answer.  I don't answer any calls from 1-888, or 800 numbers, nothing that I think might be a telemarketer.  I will answer calls from RBC, but anything unknown or that I don't recognize, it's going to voicemail.  If it's important, they'll leave a message.  

That all being said, if you call me and I don't answer, its because I am not home, or I really just don't want to talk on the phone.  It's not you, it's me!  If I don't answer, leave a message.  If you don't, I won't call you back.  I'm serious!  (Unless you are my sister, I'll call her back. She already knows I have issues!)  Tell me why you are calling, what exactly do you want from me?  You want to just chat, then don't bother calling, I don't do that. (I will chat for hours in person though) Do you have a question or problem?  Ok, I will talk, but not for too long!  And even then, text me, email me, I answer those really quickly!  I also don't like to call places that have inept people answering their phones.  If you work at that company, know your damn job or don't answer the phone.  (those people I can also handle in person, because I can make the face at them so they know that I think they are inept.)

I think I've said this before, but my time is very precious to me.  I find talking on the phone a huge waste of time and I don't want to do it, and you can't make me!  I really am not trying to be a cow, but I feel very strongly about this topic.  So if I don't like talking on the phone, why make me?  I'm not going to be all that nice to talk to.  Shoot me an email, have a coffee with me, just please, don't call me.

I can see the end of the long road

After the past year, the mass amounts of doctor visits, I feel like I can finally see the end.  It's not soon mind you, but it is there, in the somewhat near future.

Over the past few months, I have seen at least one doctor every week, some weeks up to 3.  It makes for a very busy life.  I always joke that I have a part time stretching my calves(the feet issue) and now it feels like I also have a part time visiting doctors.  What a great job, or hobby to have.  Although I always learn something from every visit, I am very happy to see the end of the constant visits.  I am starting to feel like a hypochondriac!  I should get a frequent visitor card and have a chance to win prizes.  But then everyone would want to go to the doctor.  And some people should....Ok, I have to stop this now before I show you that place in my brain that takes some really weird tangents.  You wouldn't believe the things that I can come up with and connect in my head.

I don't have to see the sleep doctor until April as the medication that I am currently on is working really well.  I feel pretty good!  I have to see the oral appliance doctor next week, but even that is going well.  One night I thought it might be nice to take a break from wearing the appliance over night - I didn't sleep well at all!  I don't actually mind the appliance, it's just not the most attractive thing ever, and it makes my dry mouth even worse.  I saw my family doctor today and he is good with everything that we've got going on.  The anti-depressants....or chemical stabilizers as I like to call them, are working well.  (except for yesterday.  I damn near had a panic attack just thinking about using the phone...but that's another story)  My feet feel like they are on the mend, my jaw is just about back into place, my hip feels good after I get a few pops and clicks out.  Oh good lord, I really am a mess aren't I?!

Life is looking good though.  I feel like I am learning things about myself, I feel like I am growing as a person, and I find that I am learning how to self heal.  You know, taking the right medications and vitamins, stretching, positive affirmations and all that.  I really do have a great life.

I think I'd like to go back to the hypnotherapist and learn more about myself and how to improve myself.  Always learning and growing as a person, that is my goal.  Once you stop, I think you start to die. (pleasant aren't I)  But really, if you go through life doing the same thing, you never learn anything new.  You never give yourself the chance to see what else you are capable of.  Take soccer, I never thought that I would ever play a sport, much less compete in one.  And here I am, doing that, and getting better all the time!  The other night I played up for the premiere team again.  They are still in their seeding round and were playing against an even higher level team.  I just about threw up a few times in the game, I ran so hard and pushed myself beyond what I thought I was capable of.  And it was awesome!  We lost, but it was still amazing and totally fun!

I wish I could go back in time and give my younger self a shake.  Tell her to start learning now!  Tell her to push herself, do new things, want more from life.  I'm happy that I have done what I have done, but if I had started earlier, I'd be so much further ahead.  But that's ok, I am happy, I am on a good path and I don't see myself slowing down anytime soon.

In response to Real Simple's article on how to spend time alone.

I've said this before, I will say it again.  I read, a lot.  I just can't get enough.  Books, magazines, it doesn't matter, I need to read.

While perusing the January issue of Real Simple, I read a piece inside the article "10 Things your Mother never taught you".  I can't comment on that specifically, as I am sure that there are more than 10 things in life that my Mother never taught me.  No offence to my Mom, but she never taught me how to complain and get my way - I learned that the hard way.  She also never taught me how to use a computer, how to get vomit out of clothes, and how to mix drinks.  And those little tidbits weren't in that article!  She did however teach me how to be independent, how to do laundry....after I bitched too many times about how she didn't wash my clothes quick enough.  She kind of taught me how to drive, I already knew by the time she took me out, but she supervised.  She taught me how to clean a bathroom properly, how to make chocolate cake and how to answer the phone in a professional manner.  Those are important things.  But I digress...

The topic I am trying to get to is the bit called "How to spend time alone".  Now this, being alone, I am very good at this.  I LOVE being alone.  I love my kids and my husband, but being alone keeps me sane.  The thing that got me about this article was "Unless a person has a lot of psychological tools at her disposal, the mind is not a pleasant place to inhabit", it also stated that "We have evolved for survival, not happiness, and thus we have a natural tendency to focus on the negative".  I for one, do not agree.  I love being alone with my thoughts.  The first thought is always.....I have an hour alone!!!!  What can I do in one hour that will make me the happiest?

The answer is read, most of the time anyway.  Whether it is a book, or even reading stupid things on the Internet - all the funny stuff I search for on pintrest, looking at facebook stuff.  Whatever will make me the happiest at that moment wins.  Sometimes I do cleaning and laundry, get all the boring stuff done.  But I know that being alone is the best part of my day some days.

What do other people do and think about when they are alone?  I think about what I want for the future, what I want to watch on TV, what I think about things that are happening in my life, what could I do to make my life better?  I also think about what needs to be done around the house, what errands I need to do and what project I can dream up next.  I don't dwell on negative crap - it is such a waste of time.  And honestly, if you can't be alone with your own thoughts, how can you stand yourself?  I'm sorry, but if you are so pathetic that you can't be alone, who would ever want to be that person with you so you are not alone?

I've recently realized that I am not really anti social, as those who know me have always thought.  I am an introvert.  Ok, have your laugh, but it's true.  Sometimes, when I am feeling not so great - when I am tired, or my medication isn't working, I don't even want to talk to people.  I dread it!  Not for reason's that you might think, only god knows what that might be!  I just find that some people take up too much of my time, and I have a hard time walking away, or telling people that I have to go.  Therefore, I sit there, and listen to people drone on about shit that I don't care about.  And there are so many things that I just don't care about!

When I am feeling better, more like how I am supposed to feel, I can remind myself that I have the choice to walk away from people, to stop them from taking up my time.  I also have earphones that I can shove in my ears to drive people away!

Another point in this article is the difference between being alone privately and alone publicly.  My Mom, funny that she really did teach me this, told me to learn how to eat alone.  She never did, well the last time we talked about this she hadn't.  She hated to eat alone, she thought it would be a brave thing to be able to be alone in public and not ashamed of it.  That is the best lesson my Mom ever taught me.  I LOVE to eat alone.  Yes I bring a book, mainly because I love to read, but also so that people don't try to talk to me.  I don't want them to!  I am not sad to be alone, I am thrilled!  I also shop alone, go to movies alone...and yes, laugh my ass off or cry if I want to.  I'm not sure if there is anything that I don't or can't do alone.

Maybe I am unusual, ok, I know I am, but in this way specifically.  When I am out alone, I don't think (or care) if people are looking at me.  I don't care what they think about me being alone.  I am happy about it, I am more than content and I am never bored alone.  My mind can occupy me for hours.  When the kids are at school and I am home alone, I don't watch TV, I don't talk on the phone.  Sometimes I listen to music, but for the most part, it's just me and my mind having a very pleasant time.

So I say to you - writer of this article in Real Simple.  Pull your head out of your ass.  If you truly believe that the "mind is not a pleasant place to inhabit", you have some real issues and maybe you shouldn't be telling other people what to do if you can't even stand to be alone with yourself!  I wonder how other people feel about that.  And if you don't like to be alone, why not?  Maybe you should get to a point where being alone is not only something you can do, it's something that you like to do.  To love your own company, that is a great thing.

I'm Awake!!!

Some newer new meds, a trip to Cuba, Christmas, a New Year, 2 kids, one husband, and I am finally awake!!!  I feel like I can conquer the world!  Ok, I feel like I can clean the house and stay awake all day, but to me, that's about the same thing!

I am almost at the end of the line as far as medications go - there is only one left to try if the one I am on right now doesn't work.  But it is working right now, and I will take that for as long as I can.  The side effects are less, and dry mouth, well I guess I can deal with that.  I did go back on anti-depressants.  I didn't want to, because I am not "depressed".  However, I think my life is awesome, everything is great and I just couldn't seem to deal.  After lengthy conversations with all 3 of my doctor's, they advised that I am "depressed" and told me to go back on those meds.

I know why there is such stigma over the whole mental illness issue - and the medications that go with it.  I am not sad, nor am I suicidal.  I do not have issues, I have a chemical imbalance that leads me to be quite incapable with dealing with life.  And like I said, I have a good life.  I am not broke, my marriage is solid, my kids are great, I don't have job issues or anything like that.  I simply lack the ability to create the correct chemicals to keep me...stable...awake, able to cope.  It's the same as having diabetes, my body just doesn't make the right amount of things and therefore I need medication.  Is it a mental illness, well yeah - it's all in my head!  But whatever.  I know what I need to do and I am willing to do it so that I can cope with being awesome.

Cuba was lovely, the food is worse than everyone says - a lot of it was inedible, not just bland.  I ate a lot of bread and my body didn't like that.  I hope to be back to normal within the month.  It may take a lot of prunes and broccoli, but I am willing to do what needs to be done to get things moving again!  (TMI, I know!)  It was hot every day that we were there, the beach was amazing, the ocean even better.  I got a great tan and the vitamin D boost that I needed.  The kids loved the water and the sun, and spending time together.  We had a lot of fun and I don't regret going, but I doubt we'd go back there.  We'll have to find another hot place that meets our requirements.

Christmas was wonderful - it was just the 4 of us for both Christmas eve and day.  I loved it!  I didn't leave the house or get out of my jammies for 2 whole days!  Heaven!  Then the kids and I set off to see my family, it was actually a really nice visit.  I let all of my tension about it go, and just had a good time.  The nephews are so awesome, they are just great boys and I love to see them.  They are all so different, and a lot alike at the same time.  They make me laugh and the older boys even stood still while I hugged them!  Last time I saw them I had to pin one of them against the wall with a chair to get a hug.  I did take it a bit too far and tried to hug them multiple times.  The little ones hugged me every time I asked, and that was so awesome!

The New Year was rung in with wine and just the 4 of us again.  It was good.  We spent yesterday at the lake tobogganing and skating, and then we started the cleaning of the basement.  That is ongoing and will be for some time.  In the chaos of it all, we lost a goalie glove and we are trying to find it by cleaning the house top to bottom.  We spring clean in the winter anyway, and we were due.  I do hope we find it!

I also had a soccer tournament over the holidays, I played 3 games out of 4 and we won silver!  I didn't injure myself and only fell down once - but it wasn't even because I am clumsy!

I look forward to the next few days with the kids - we have a lot planned, and lots of downtime too!  Next week will be back to normal, and I am even looking forward to that.  Now that I can stay awake and I don't feel like a zombie, I know that I will be able to get done all the things I have been planning to do!

Happy New Year!  I hope you are as excited as I am for the future!