Can one be mad at their own body?

I have decided that my body is getting in my way. Why can't it just listen and drop the puppy fat?

I was at my game on Monday and I was running so fast, I actually surprised myself! I have gotten way too fast for this body. I wish that I could just shed this extra weight like Forrest Gump sheds his legs braces, he runs and they just fall off. Then he runs faster and doesn't stop. How fast do I have to run to outrun my fat? I'll just run one day and the fat will slide off my body like lotion in the hot sun! I'll look down, see my sleeker body and just keep on running. Well one must have dreams!

As I continue to track my spark people calories and fitness, I am shocked over and over at the crap I used to eat and I was ok with. Oh look at me, I eat so healthy! Yeah right. I had 2 pieces of pizza for lunch - I did have to carb up last night and today for my game tonight - and my lunch was over 700 calories! Just saying that grosses me out and also makes me want to slap myself for caring. I am conflicted. I WILL NOT be one of those people who talks calories and weight loss all the time, but lets face it, it's time I paid more attention. I just don't have to go around talking incessantly about it.

I like me, but I guess I can still be cool if I weigh less. It's not like I will be skinny, and I can still be a positive role model, I just will be one who is overweight and active - not fat and active. I will never be one of those girls that bases my self esteem on my weight and the way I look in the mirror. I will always just be me, happy with me, and willing to make changes that need to happen.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.

Miss Piggy, Miss Piggy's guide to life

Spark People

I've been tracking my food intake and my calories burned on sparkpeople.com for just over a week now. I love this free website - it allows me to track my food, it has just about any food and recipe you can imagine with the calories already calculated for you. If you want to add some food that isn't on there, there is a spot where you can add it in. You can have foods that are kept in your favorites so you don't have to look them up all the time. You can add your own recipes, it's pretty amazing.

I don't know all there is to know about this site yet - like if it has meal plans that you can follow, but I am going to try and find out. I love that I can also track my fitness. I can input my gym workouts, and my soccer games and it calculates the calories burned for you. I'm not sure how accurate that part is - I am hoping it's right and it should be, because why would they say it was higher? But my fitness goal for this week, determined on how much I weigh, was 770 and like I said in my last post, I went way over that in just 2 days. That kind of bugs me - I know that I exercise a lot, I know it, I do it, I track it...and yet I still don't lose weight. Bummer. But it's nice to see that I am burning loads of calories and it does make me feel good knowing that I at least have that part in my routine. Exercise is not something that I have to worry about - I actually like to do it and I have been consistent with that for 8 years now. I just get more and more exercise all the time.

I had my cheat day on Saturday - it was soooooo good! I did fine for breakfast and lunch, but at supper we went to the Bavarian Inn in Bragg Creek and had schnitzel. It was worth every single calorie! I also had ice cream 2 hours later for dessert. I am not going to go half assed on my cheat day!

We had to eat out today and I did ok - not as good as I would have had we had a little more time and didn't go to DQ, but it was ok. I guess I'll get my veg intake with supper tonight. I shared a meal with my daughter and that helps a lot right off the top.

I'm still doing just fine, I did really well all week and I am still down 5 pounds. I have a game tonight and will get tons of calories burnt off. Sometimes after a game I used to eat because I thought I was hungry. Now I don't at all. It helps that I have late games and all I want to do it go home and go to bed, but I also know that I'm not hungry. I drink at least 2 bottles of water each game and I don't feel hungry - I used to use the games as an excuse to eat, but now I just decide that I don't need to eat.

I am going to get even better this week - work out some meal plans and get the right groceries. It feels nice to be in the 2nd week and not feel like giving up.

Hell has frozen over - I am on a diet

I know the picture doesn't go with the post, but that is my big black eye. It was at its worst yesterday and I think it's getting better today. Isn't it pretty.

I NEVER diet, it's the four letter word that I try to never use because it is so foul and repulsive. However, I have come to realize that the amount of exercise that I get, while it is a lot, will not take the gooey flab off my belly. I need to.....cringe....diet.

I have been using Spark People for the last 3 days to track my calories and my fitness. The fitness tracker says that my goal for the week is 770 calories, I did that in 2 days, I'm actually quite a bit over that already. I doesn't hurt that I work out all the time and I play soccer. See, the fitness I have down. What I didn't have down was the sheer amount of calories that I have been eating. I really don't like discussing this, but I am trying to be accountable, so if that means I have to talk about it, so be it.

All I am doing is making sure that I eat around 1500 calories a day. That is not a lot. I didn't track what I was eating before, but I bet it was around 3000 calories on a good day. Gee, no wonder the fat layer didn't move. I'm not sure how this is going to work in the long run, I'm sure it'll be ok if I can just be good, but I have already lost 5 pounds. I don't really count that because I was up a lot higher than I usually am. But whatever. If I can just stop rewarding myself with food, maybe I'll get this under control.

The reason I don't like to talk about it is due to many reasons. So many people have such low self esteem, they see their happiness related to their weight. I don't. I swear there aren't many people like me. I personally know one that is at the level that I am. And surprisingly, she is a big girl like me. I look in the mirror and I like what I see. I think I am attractive, I like how I look in clothes, I even like how I look with minimal clothes -like the bikini's I wear. I am happy with how I am. So for me to want to lose weight seems to go against all that. I want to be that plus size girl role model. I am happy and active, and my weight doesn't stop me from doing anything. I also hate it when people, the ones that they think they are being so nice, ask me if I've lost weight. No, I didn't, and I don't care, so f*** off! And if I really do lose weight, those are the first people not to notice. It kills me!

My health is the real concern, mainly my feet and my heart. Heart disease runs in my family and I think that's something to keep my eye on. My feet also hurt all the time. We all know that I have heel spurs and plantar fasciitis, and I want it to go away. I don't want it to extend to my knees, and my hips are already in pain quite often. If I can get some of the weight off, that will ease the pressure on everything and I can maybe get control of those issues. Losing weight will make me be able to run faster, I am pretty fast for a big girl though. I was off my game last night, but everyone let it go due to the head injury from last week! But I felt so slow and I didn't like it.

So that's my confession for the week. I am doing ok so far, the ice cream isn't calling my name, I am not suffering. I think it was time for this. I have to send a big thanks out to my big sister for helping me with this. She is always supportive, she lost 30 pounds(even though she was already the thin one) and she's kept most of it off. I admire her drive. She is one of those people that loses weight for the right reason's and doesn't let her self esteem suffer when she's not skinny. I love you big sister, and I know that you will always be on my side. Just be warned that I am going to call you ALL THE TIME to see what else I can do about eating well. Now I must go, Just Dance 3 is calling my name. Without the kids here, I can listen to it as loud as like for my mini workout today!

So many reason's to love my Volvo

I know it seems a bit weird to declare my love for my car- but I just found out about a great new feature on my car, that has always been there and I didn't even know it.

First off I'll start with the reason why this feature is important. When I was 16, I was just as forgetful as I am now. I'm not sure if it's gotten worse with age, but it just goes to prove that I don't utilize the memory section of my brain very well and I never have. I've got common sense, I guess that's my special talent. Anyway, when I first started to drive, I always locked my car. I have no idea why, it's not like I ever really had a nice car, and no one in their right mind would want to steal it, and I lived in a small town. If they did steal it, they wouldn't get far before the locals realized it wasn't me driving. The thief would probably drive a lot slower than I would.

It was a very bad habit that I would lock my keys in the car on a weekly basis. I always had extra keys made for the car, they were kept in the house, or with friends, just in case I needed to be rescued from my lack of memory. I remember once I left the car running, ran into the bank and realized that the keys were in the ignition, of course, and I had locked the doors. When I worked in college, I lived 30 minutes away from my work and school. Luckily I had a wonderful Aunt and her patient husband that kept a set of keys at their place (after they had to drive me home and get my extra set one too many times) and they would bring them to me all over the city. They were so sweet about it.

The other day we were looking at the Volvo dealership as my husband needs a new work car and was looking into a pre-owned Volvo. We were talking to the sales guy that sold us our XC60 2 years ago and he mentioned something about keyless locking. I know that I can open the car doors without a key, I just have to have the key on me somewhere and the door will unlock when I open the handle. It's a genius invention. What I didn't know is that there is a button on my handles that also locks the car so I don't have to pull out my keys! You have no idea how amazing this is! I am always losing my keys at the bottom of my purse, or I don't know what pocket they are in. This morning, I went to use the locking function and it wouldn't work because I had left the keys in the car! I know - only I need something like this. But for me, it is simply wonderful! I cannot possibly lock my keys in the car! Even if I can't find them in my pocket or my bag, as long as they car can sense that they are on me, and outside the vehicle, the car will lock and unlock at my command. This is real life magic. Like iTunes!(I'll tell you about that one later).

I haven't stopped liking my car since I got it, but now I have fallen even more in love with it!

As I write this, I realize how dumb I sound. I assure you, I am not dumb, just a little bit ditsy. But in a good, cute way. More like "oh isn't Pam silly", not "jeez that Pam is a total idiot!" ....I hope anyway!

My Monster bump

I was so pumped up for my game last night, even though it was at 11pm! I was ready to go, ready to run and score a goal, but sadly, I just couldn't get that goal. I never thought I'd be the kind of person to go all out in a game, to just run after the ball and not think about what might happen. I'd like to say this wasn't my fault, that I was tripped, but that's just not true.

I was running after the ball, determined to get that goal that I have been so desperately trying to get for the last 3 games, when my foot caught somehow on the turf and I took a header right into the boards. After they knew I was OK, the girls where telling me everything that they saw and they told me what happened. I heard the groan when I hit the wall, so I know I didn't pass out. Apparently I hit the wall so hard and at such a creepy angle, they said it looked like I broke my neck! I hit the wall with my right temple and I think my elbow. Where my other hand was, I have no idea, because it wasn't there helping me.

Luckily, our call up for goalie was a paramedic, and she came over and checked me out. She gave me the all clear as my neck wasn't sore and I hadn't lost feeling or gotten tingly in my arms. The goose egg on my head came out REALLY quickly. I'm pretty sure my first words were "Am I still pretty?" Yes, I am that vain! But I think it helped that I was able to joke so the girls knew I was ok. I was down for quite some time, they didn't think I'd be able to walk away after that.

Some of the girls said my hit was YouTube worthy, some said I looked like a monster and then one girl said I looked better than before. How mean! But it was nice that they felt they could joke with me. I sat on the bench the rest of the game, thankfully it was in the second half so I didn't miss much play time. We were really short on players as it was, so my injury didn't help. We did tie the game - which is always better than a loss.

After the game, when you go and shake hands, most of the girls couldn't stop staring at my monster bump - I even had to tell one girl to stop staring, my boobs were down lower. She laughed, which is always good after a crass remark like that!

I didn't get any sleep last night, I couldn't lay on my right side and I was a bit scared to take anything in case I didn't wake up! My arm is really sore this morning, my bump has gone down quite a bit, but I am taking a day off just in case!

I really, really, didn't think I was that kind of girl. Just goes to show what you learn about yourself when you do things you never thought you'd do. Me, a soccer player, and one that goes hard enough to get bashed around and be cool with it. I play again on Tuesday and I've got to say, I am not going to miss a game if I don't have to!

It's a birthday Intervention!

Yes its that time of year. The time when I get moody and depressed, bitchy and not so fun to be around. It's my birthday! If you've ever read my birthday posts, I have real issues around my birthday. I don't care that I am getting older, I just think that my husband and kids will forget my birthday. The week before my birthday I start to get a bit more depressed and then bitchy and then I usually have a bit of a meltdown. The meltdown portion of this event was tonight.

I accused my husband and kids of forgetting my birthday because they still were asking me what I wanted the day before my birthday. I don't want anything, I just want to be taken care of. I have residual issues from my birthday being forgotten from when I was a kid, so I get a bit crazy about the day.

Tonight, during the meltdown portion, my husband and children explained to me that they would NEVER forget my birthday. My husband admitted that this time of year is really stressful for him because he really wants to make sure that my birthday is special. I think that this will be the last year that I stress over my birthday. I think I have finally been told what I need to hear, which is pretty silly that I needed to hear it when I just should have known. There are things in your life that you can't see for yourself, even though they are right in front of your face, you have to be told. So I've been told - and very gently too. They were very sweet and understanding, but firm. They won't forget my birthday, I am special and very loved by them.

I expect so much from them, and they always live up to my standards. I really don't care if anyone else remembers my birthday - just them. Considering I don't love talking on the phone, it's ok if no one calls even!

Another load off my shoulders, another reminder to relax - that's exactly what I needed for my birthday. I love you my sweet, wonderful, caring little family!

APAP, CPAP, ASAP, OMG!

This is the news on the sleep study front. I have been prescribed an APAP which stands for Automatic Positive Airway Pressure, which in layman terms is a machine that forces air in through my nose as I sleep. So yes, it does look like I am wearing a gas mask. Ok, so it's not that bad, but it's still pretty bad. I have a machine that connects to a (bright yellow covered) hose that attaches to my nose mask. I wear it all night long and it forces humidified air into my nose. I also get to wear a chin strap to keep my mouth closed. I don't know if it's the answer to my problem yet, it takes time to get used to it and for it to do it's work. It really isn't all that uncomfortable - but I can't tell you that my husband thinks its sexy.

I am on an APAP and if it works I will move to a Continuous Positive Airway Pressure, the CPAP. The APAP forces a regulated amount of air in automatically, it can change over the night. The CPAP is set for one pressure and doesn't change.

I have this machine for a month to see how it goes. If it works, I can move to the mouth guard that juts my chin forward and keeps my airway open, but that is $3000, so they do this method first to see if this therapy is the right one that will work.

I still don't sleep very well, but I am very optimistic still that they will find something that does. The doctor that I am seeing knows that there is a real problem - it's not just in my head, I am not taking naps because I am soo depressed, and my kids don't just make me that tired. The doctor has said that a person with insomnia, like I have, will not be sleepy the next day. Insomniacs are awake during the day, because whatever is keeping them up at night is also driving them during the day. I have insomnia, but I am always very tired during the day. I take naps because I feel like I can't function if I don't get one, but the naps aren't very refreshing. I also wake up numerous times during the night, so I never get a big block of sleep. My goal is to wake up in the morning, feel refreshed and not be desperate for a nap during the day. I'd also like to fall asleep in a timely fashion at night. I don't ask for much!

So here I am, we're trying stuff and I don't feel like I have been abandoned by the medical community. I feel like have I finally found someone that hears what I am saying. It's not a cure yet, but I feel good about the progress.

The number one reason I love soccer

I never have to worry about shaving my legs!

Ok, that may not be the thing I love the most, but you've got to admit, it has its advantages!