What's your closet?

My closet?  I'm a crier, I'm super emotional.  I try to stifle it, I try to be discreet, I try to breathe through it....but all the while, my body is shaking, I start to make little squeaky noises.  I try so hard to be a cute little dainty crier, but I just can't do it.  I sob, I breathe loudly, I sniffle.  I     just     cry.

Ok, maybe that's just the closet door.  My closet is that I am affected so deeply by all of the things around me.  I try to step back, not be touched by the things that go on around me, and I just can't.

The love for my kids, that makes me cry more than I can tell you.  My kids would tell you.  Mom, are you going to cry?  Yes, kid, yes I am.  And it's ok to cry.  I just love them so much, my body is so filled and overflows with love for them.  I want to hold them and kiss them forever, I want to keep them with me all the time.  But I can't.  They seem to think they "need" to go to school!  So....I cry.  And they cry with me, because they have the same feelings towards me.

The sadness around me, the hope, the fear, the people reaching out, that gets to me.  I can't be there for everyone.  I have to pick and choose who I can feel for.  Most, are not deserving.  They want.  Yes, that's it, they just WANT.  They don't need, they want approval, they want love, but they don't need it, they just think it should be theirs.  They don't want to work for it, they wouldn't appreciate it.  Everyday I have to stop myself from caring about everything because it would just break me.

So I cry.  I cry because I can't make other's see what I see, and I can't give them what they need.  The ones that get it, they cry with me.  Not unhappy tears, the happy, fulfilled, overflowing tears that you just can't stop.  The crying because a song is just so beautiful, the crying that a person just said something that makes absolute sense, the crying because I know that someone else gets it.

I can't stop it, but one day, I hope to control it a little better.  I do not look good even after a little cry.  I turn all red, my nose is stuffy and hurts, my eyes just won't focus.

Upworthy got me again this morning - a post that made me be able to put more words to how I am feeling, and why.  The more I know that other people get it, the more I cry.  It's nice to be able to express how I feel in words instead of tears, even if they aren't my words.  One day I'd like to be able to just express myself instead of crying, instead of holding back all the time.

Upworthy - Ash Beckham

Rules to Live by

Be Authentic
Be Direct
Be Unapologetic

I just want everyone to want more

I am sitting here at my computer, I'd come home after dropping the kids at school so that I could do my banking, and remember to wear my wedding ring before I go tan and finish up my Christmas shopping.  Luckily I also just remembered to take my medication too!

I had an extra few minutes, so of course I checked the Internet, logged into facebook to see what everyone was up to as it is too cold out to see anyone outside!  The fist link on facebook was to Upworthy - and I didn't know it at the start, but apparently I needed a good little cry.  Just take a look if you might need a cry too.

http://www.upworthy.com/watch-a-teenager-bring-his-class-to-tears-just-by-saying-a-few-words-2?c=reccon1

http://www.upworthy.com/watch-a-student-totally-nail-something-about-women-that-ive-been-trying-to-articulate-for-37-years-6?c=reccon1

I'm not crying because I am sad, I am crying because I just want more.

I've said that for the longest time, I want more.  What is it that you want? People ask me, my Mother, my husband.  I want more time, I want to see more, I want to feel more, I want to do more.  I want everyone I see to want more, more honesty, more real conversations.

It's not enough for me to talk about trivial things, maybe that is why I avoid people so much.  I want to talk about what really matters.  What are you feeling?  What do you dream about?

I want to hold my kids, I want to hear what they do, what they want to do, how they think, what happens in their minds.

What does my husband think about?  Does he have deep thoughts?  And why does he feel so afraid to share them with me?

My honesty is seen as rude - I am nosy.  I don't want to know these things because I want to judge you, I want to know these things so that I know you.  I am afraid to ask these questions for so many reasons.  People are afraid of what I want from them, why do I want to know?  I am simply curious, I think we all hide behind what we are supposed to be like, what we want people to see.

I've said it before, and now that I have accepted it, I will say it more.  I am awkward.  I am not embarrassed about this.  I fell on my butt last night in front of a bunch of 11 year olds, and I was ok with them laughing.  I wanted them to.  I fall, I say weird things, that is just who I am, and I will not hide that.  For the most part, I am honest, I am exactly what you see.  If I am being shallow and not being my true self, I think it is because you may not be able to handle me, and you are not being honest, or capable of being your true self with me.  And that's ok, not everyone can be that open.  It's scary.

It took me a long time to get here, and now that I am, I am ok with being just how I am.  I will cry at weird things, I will fall, I will say strange things, I will ask weird questions.  But when I am like that, that's me, and I will not let anyone make me feel bad about that.

I have a hard time pushing others to be honest.  I don't like to be confrontational, I won't call you out on your mistakes unless I have to.  But me, I will tell you what I did wrong, how can I fix things if I can't admit that I did something wrong?  I feel so out of place with people, and it's not because I don't care, its because I care too much and I have been let down so many times.  When you are ready to be real, that's when you can handle me, and that is where I really shine.