Merry Christmas!!!

It's December 24 and I am ready for Christmas! Thank goodness I am. I did forget about 2 presents, luckily I remembered them this morning, so they too have been wrapped and put under the tree. The Christmas cookies have been baked and decorated, the gifts have been wrapped, the supper is being made and not by me! The house is clean, the tree is lit and I am ready to relax and enjoy the festivities.

I am in a good place right now. I have no anger or dislike for anyone, I am seeing all of my family in the next few days and I am looking forward to it. No really! I am! I feel good, I feel happy and I feel ready to just be happy and calm. If I cannot be calm, I have a bottle of wine on standby...ok, 2 bottles! I don't drink really, but I found one I love, so it's there if I need it.

It has been a lovely day, I haven't left the house, I haven't gotten dressed yet, and I haven't even brushed my teeth! Gross I know, but it'll feel extra nice when I am showered and brushed, dressed and ready to go.

I am not going to let anyone or anything get to me, I am going to enjoy Christmas for what it is to me and that's that. No one can take my beliefs away from me, so it helps to remind myself about that. I am very happy with how I feel, I am with the people I love the most and I will make that be my focus for the next few days. I will be happy - not even fake happy - I will be merry and I will have a great time. This might be the first Christmas ever that I truly feel happy about everything. My life is God's gift to me, and I will not piss it away being miserable. I am so thankful for everything that I have, my beautiful kids, my lovely husband, family, friends and a truly wonderful life!

Merry Christmas to you all - have a great night.

Miracles can happen

It's a Christmas miracle - I am in a good mood! I have a free day today - meaning no appointments for my feet or anything else - and I can get done all the crap that needs to get done. Like the grocery shopping, laundry and cleaning. I almost got into a bad mood after going to Hellmart (Wal-Mart) but luckily a LMFAO was playing when I started the car and that got my mood right back up!

I have a great week planned - I get to miss the kids soccer practice tonight as my husband wants to take them, and I get to bake cookies and put the laundry away. I know that doesn't sound exciting, but it's so nice when the laundry gets put away within a day of when it's done.(another small miracle) I have a few errands and appointments tomorrow, but those errands mean that I am DONE all my Christmas stuff! With the exception of wrapping, but that's fun anyway.

I have a few appointments the rest of the week, but I have a new one for my feet and it looks like it's going to feel really good. I have time to get to the gym, wrap presents, keep the house clean - the week is looking good!

We have only one soccer game this week, my daughter's last one before Christmas break. My son played up for a U12 team last night, he's 8 and plays for U10, and he did a great job! The team won 7-3 and was it ever exciting! It's better than going to professional sports games for me because I get to cheer really loudly. My daughter placed 3rd in her City Wrestling Finals on Friday and I was so proud of her. She is such a strong girl - those boys don't stand a chance if they piss her off!

I am looking forward to Christmas Eve at my in-laws - I really am! It will be a lot of fun, and I am very relaxed about it. I am even looking forward to going to my parents house after Christmas. I made them all presents, and I can't wait to just sit around and visit. After all the drama that has gone on with them, I think we are finally in the clear and I can just relax there too. It really is amazing what a change of attitude, on my part, will do.

Have a great Monday!

Christmas is really about...

dear god,

it's Christmas and i want everyone to know
to spread it around everywhere i go
Christmas isn't about the boxes or bags
it really shouldn't be about all the tags
it's about the night Christ was born
not about the stuffed unicorn
it's about family and love
and god's son, the one from above
the night when Mary gave birth to him
the one that would forgive you when you sin
he would save us all
at Christmas we don't need to go to the mall
this generation we don't celebrate god's son
or when Mary and Joseph had to come
to Bethlehem when they were waiting
when now everyone is hating
we still celebrate the advent season
when no one really knows the reason
it's not about presents or Santa Clause
just take a moment and pause
think about what Christmas is really about,
Family and Love

by Dana (Pam's daughter if you didn't know)

It's almost Christmas

And I am almost ready! My Christmas cards are printing as I write - I know they are late, there's no way that they will get out in time for people to get them before Christmas. But then you can get them after Christmas and it's like a little unexpected surprise! That's my theory for today anyway. At least I did them. Most years I am a bit more on top of that kind of think, but my excuse this year is that I transferred from a PC to a Mac and I had a hard time getting my addresses. It's true! A bad excuse, but true.

I finished up my shopping last night with my husband. I would have been done way sooner, but he thinks that he should get to help pick out presents. I don't disagree, but I don't like to leave it to last minute like this. It's all ok, I will just relax and it will all be ok! I even have presents for my family this year. We don't buy presents, but we are allowed to make some, so I have done just that. They will hopefully be ready for Christmas!

I am feeling very good about the next few days, I am not too busy so I can get all the rest of the stuff done that needs to be done. I feel like a bit of weight has come off my shoulders. It's all stuff that I put off because it's going to take too much time or it's something boring that just has to be done, but when I get those things done, I feel like I've actually accomplished something! It's a good feeling. I have to remind myself that those little annoying things aren't so bad and to just get my butt in gear!

So I'm feeling good, in control, on top of things. Let's just see what happens over the next few days and the things that my husband adds to my list! But for now, I am off to get my hip put back into place. Yes I DO feel like an old lady, thanks for asking! But I did put it out in soccer, so I at least have a good reason. So shower, hip and lunch with the ladies. Then off to the edge of town for my daughter's wrestling City Competition - crazy I know- and then hopefully the rest of the night will be spent relaxing at home with my sweet family. Have a happy Friday!

The reason for the season

My daughter wrote the most beautiful prayer for school, it was so well done, they asked her to read it over the intercom at school tomorrow. It's all about the reason for the season.

I am beginning to enjoy Christmas more now because my family is remembering the reason why we celebrate in the first place. I think that the best celebrations have the best reason's behind them. Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, they are all celebrations about things that are bigger than us as as one person. They are about heritage, God, the past, the future. They are more than just lights and gifts, more than just candy canes and decorations.

I think that any kind of celebration of a higher power - be it God or your heritage- should be celebrated with family and friends, and the remembrance of the why we are celebrating. I would never begrudge anyone their celebration, or make fun of why they celebrate. Why should people do that to me about Christmas? What gets me is the people who celebrate Christmas because they can. They get the decorations, the lights, the food and the presents, but all the while, they make fun of God and the reason why Christmas is even celebrated.

You don't have to believe to celebrate, although I think you should, but please don't make fun of why I celebrate. Christmas is about family, giving, spending time together and loving one another, but it also about God and what he did for us.

I see posts about atheism on face book all the time, and that's your choice not to believe, but why make such a spectacle of it? Why not just leave it alone? I don't go around spouting God's word and prayers all the time. If I don't like something, I just don't really talk about it. I hate liver, I don't post that on face book all the time. Who cares if I hate liver - just me - no one else needs to know about that. You can disagree with what I believe all you want, I am truly ok with that, but don't say it to my face. Just leave it alone. I would never make fun of another religion or some one's beliefs. If you do that, I just think that you feel you have something to prove, and it makes you look like an ass. Those people who talk like assholes about not believing in God - maybe you should give up Christmas to make your own point. It is CHRISTmas after all.

So there's my rant for today. Now I am off on a busy day of shopping and wishing people Merry Christmas and God Blessing everyone!

If I were to go see myself as a teenager

If I were to go back in time and talk to myself as a teenager, I know that I would laugh at me. I wouldn't believe me, no matter what I said to myself.

I've been thinking a lot about my life and how weird it is to think about how I used to be and what I expected my life was going to be like, compared to how I am now, and what my life is really like. As a teenager, I was a bit rebellious, kind of like a night is kind of dark. I never did what I was told, I hated when people told me what to do, I was rude and mean and I had a real problem with authority figures. I was never into sports, I tried to play volleyball in Junior High and that didn't last long. I tried Tae kwon do, but that also didn't last. I never exercised because I wanted to, I did it if I were forced, or I didn't have a ride somewhere. I was sullen, back talked a lot and I was very self conscious.

Move ahead 20 years and I am not at all like that. I do have a problem with people telling me what do to, but I controlled it when I was working, and now that I don't have a proper job, I have no issues with that. I like the police and am not afraid of them - mostly because I don't do anything that would get them involved in my life in a bad way. I exercise all the time and I do it because I love it. I love the way it makes me feel, I love how strong and powerful I feel at the end of a workout or a soccer game. It is also how I relax. When I work out, it's all about me and what I want to do. I am not a wife or mother, I don't think about the kids or the house work, it's just me and my music. I love playing soccer, a team sport that I love everything about. I love the game, I love getting smashed into the boards, I love beating another girl to the ball, I love shoving my way past people. I love the camaraderie of the team. I am also not self conscious anymore. I love me, the way I look, the way I feel most days. I love to dress myself in cute clothes and accessories. I love to look good and know that I look good. I was at the gym yesterday and checked myself out in the mirror. I was wearing track pants and a black t-shirt, and damn, I looked good!

If I could go back and tell my teenage self about how I am now, I'd think I was crazy. No one can change that much! But you can, if I can go from that sullen, rebellious teen, to the law abiding, gym rat that I am today, I know that people do change. I'd go back and tell myself just to see the look on my face!

Maybe if I could go back, I would have had better self esteem earlier, I would have taken better care of myself and I would have been able to forgive myself for all the stupid things I did a bit earlier than I did. But you know what? I can't. And even if I could, I'm not sure I would change a thing. It was hard work getting to where I am today, and I love where I am, what my life is like. I wouldn't change anything for the fear of not having what I have right now. Everything happens for a reason, and I know that I am the person I am today because of all the stupid things I did, and all that I learned from my mistakes.

Why my kids are better behaved than yours

I am not saying that my kids are the best in the world, but they are pretty great kids. Want to know my secret?....Just buy my book for $29.95.....just kidding!

My kids are awesome because I am very strict, but still fun. I tell them to do stuff and they just do it. Ok, ok, my secret is the punishment. Every parent has their own forms of punishment, but my form is the miracle cure that stopped my kids from making me mad and not doing what they are supposed to be doing. It may not work for you - you can try it though. Now if it doesn't work, try your own form. I might have written about this before, but it's worth mentioning again.

When my kids misbehave, they get one warning. After the warning comes a 2 minute foot rub for me! If they are still being bad, the time of the foot rub increases! Aren't I a friggin genius?? This punishment works so well because it benefits me, so you know I'll follow through, and my kids HATE it! Let's face it, my feet probably stink. I don't smell them often, but I assume they do. They are stuck in shoes and socks all day long and my feet are really sweaty! My husband rubs them during the "foot rubbing shows", you know, the war shows, documentaries (that I actually end up watching, but I'll never tell him that) and plane crash shows like Mayday, and he has to take breaks when my feet are just too sweaty. I know, I'm a total dream wife!

This works for me - I hope it helps you find a suitable punishment for your kids. It could be a back rub, cleaning the toilets, picking up dog poop. It has to be something that they hate and that benefits you so you'll follow through with it. Consistency is key. My only problem now is that my kids are so good, I never get the foot rub. I did tell them today that if I had to tell them to do their chores twice, that was an automatic foot rub. Yay me!

Getting my shit together

This is my official announcement that 2012 will be the year I get my shit together. This means no more napping, unless I simply cannot go on another second without a quick nap, cleaning the house on a regular basis, every 2 weeks is regular...right? I will continue to work on my blog, my photography, revamping the house, acquiring knowledge, making the kids happy, making the husband happy, working out, getting better at soccer, getting my feet fixed, and being a well rounded person.

It seems like a big list - but it's totally doable. Most of that stuff I do already, just not all the time. I discovered that I actually like going to soccer practice, sure my feet hurt, but it's nice to get better at my mad soccer skills and bond with the girls. It's not as fun as a game, but more fun that I thought it was going to be!

I work on my blog all the time, this way I can complain about anything I want and you choose if you read it or not. Besides, I just love to share my opinion with others. Especially when my opinion is that someone, other than me, is a jackass! You already know that I'm a jackass, but a lovely one!

I have been taking my camera everywhere with me. I found that I am so mad when I see something that I'd love to photograph and I don't have my camera. I took a great shot of my nephew at my Grandma's funeral. His Mom will be so pleased when she sees it. I also just looked over my November shots and I have a good few that I can use. I still haven't even looked at watermarking my pics on the Mac, but I am sure it can't be that hard. (I love my Mac and I find it works very well for me!)

The kids think I am awesome, so I guess I just have to keep doing what I am doing there. One of my daughter's classmates waved to me today, I was in the car, she was in the backseat and he couldn't see her. She was a bit mad. She asked how he could possibly know me, I gently reminded her that I go on every field trip they have and I am at the school ALL THE TIME! The kid has probably seen me at least 50 times! I am very active with my kids schooling, it makes me feel good and the kids still love to see me there. Volunteer - it's worth it! (just a little plug there for volunteering, not enough people do it and it is really a lot of fun)

My husband also still likes me, so I can keep doing what I am doing there too. I always try to do what I can for him to make sure he knows that I care. I also got him a Christmas present that he will LOVE! I try not to yell at him, come to think of it, we barely fight anymore. I'd say we've fought enough for 3 marriages and now we are in the plateau phase. He thought that was bad, but I explained to him that we are good to each other, we are happy and that is a great place to plateau. Of course any gesture above that is welcome, like a "will you remarry me" proposal. I really just want to wear my wedding gown again, or go to Vegas!

So far I am doing really well with most of that stuff. The key, I think, is to cut back the napping, and then I'll get a lot more done. But I am working on it. I am going to acupuncture to help, and I just have to tell myself that I can wait until bedtime. What's your addiction? Mine is sleeping, ice cream and diet Pepsi - you wanna make something of it?

So that's it - 2012 is the year of getting the shit together. You can join me if you want. I think that I get better every year and I hope that this next year is even better. I have a great life and I just have to remember to remember that! If I can just keep on top of all the things I am doing and the things I want to do, maybe I'll come back as a hot, nice, rich girl in my next life!

I can't be nice anymore

I just read an article in this month's Cosmo, called Stop being so Damn Polite by Mika Brzezinski. It's all about the difference between being liked and being respected. A quote from it "Women try hard not to seem bitchy by being too agreeable". It's true. To be completely honest, most times, you should hear the stuff that I am thinking in my head when talking to people. Most times, it's not very nice.

I am a take charge kind of girl, when I know what I want, I go out and get it. When I don't know what I want, or have no opinion, it's fine, you can have your way instead. No big deal. I am thinking that I need to take a step back into my bitchy ways. When I was a teenager, I was a bit of bitch, but looking back, maybe I was aware of what I wanted and didn't let anyone get in my way. Why is that so bitchy?

A few years ago I had a situation that was out of my control, and once I was back from being comatose, I took charge again.....but maybe too much. People let me get away with saying ANYTHING I wanted, because I had been traumatized and was trying to heal. I took it too far. I became a bit of an asshole. Then I started to hold my tongue. Not all the time, but I certainly didn't say a lot in fear of hurting people's feelings. I think I know what middle ground is now and I think I will live there. I went out for lunch with the girls the other day, and every time I thought something that was not so nice, whatever I was thinking came out of another girls mouth. I really thought about that. Why didn't I just say what I was thinking? Maybe I was scared of what they would think of me. I do like them and didn't want anyone to be mad. But they weren't mad at the other girl. So that, coupled with the Cosmo article made me realize, I have to get a bit of the bitch back. I am tired of people being stupid and saying stupid things to me and me holding my tongue.

I can't go back and say, "Hey, you remember when you said this....?" so I will post those grievances here and move forward with saying something next time. Here goes...

...if you need to find an address or telephone number, look it up! I am not your Internet, nor am I your phone book. I am not your driver or your bank. I am also not your therapist....especially if you never listen to me anyway!

...Don't tell me that your kid goes to Catholic school because the GPA is higher. That is not a bad reason at all, but when you and your husband are atheist's and you go around blaspheming at the school yard, it is not ok. I WILL say something next time. DO NOT send your kid to my Catholic school and then dis the school and God. If you don't like the religious aspect of the school GO SOMEWHERE ELSE!!!! Be at the school and don't talk shit about it or leave.

..I am not ok with being in your life if it's just convenient to you. I bent over backwards for you and now you can't bother to call me because you are busy? Well listen here - we are ALL busy. You make time for what is important. Now I know that I am not important to you. I will never change my plans for you again. I will never let you take advantage of me again.

....When I email you and tell you things, especially bad things that have happened, I don't need to hear your bad things. I just wanted to tell you and have an ear for a minute. You don't always have to be more important.

....I don't need you advice on what I am good at, nor do I need your praise when you think it will "make me feel better". I know when praise is deserved. I don't need your false compliments, I like me, I don't care if you do. And no, I didn't lose weight ok? My life does not revolve like that.

Whew...that felt good! Just so you know, I am good, I'm not mad or anything, I am just tired of people being stupid assholes. I have shit going on in my life too, and I make do just fine. I take charge and do something about it. So that's that. I am back and I am never going to stifle myself again. ( Ok, I know I will, but only so that I don't hurt people or say something just to be an asshole. I will only say something if it's justified. And my mother in law is allowed to say anything she wants, and I will always let it slide from now on. I've learned that I can count on her and I will never be mean to her again simply out of respect.) Hey Tricia, just so you know, I really am good. I took your advice, and I appreciate you saying something even though it might have felt a bit awkward for you to say something. So you don't have to worry, I am so good. It feels awesome to feel this way - back in control. I am not going to be a bitch, I am just not going to take shit anymore.

Classic Grandma humour

My Grandma had a lot of really good jokes that were borderline dirty. Here's one of our favorites...

Q -Have you ever smelled moth balls?

A -Yes

Punch line - Well how did you get their little legs apart?

Last week was the worst week I've had in years!

Last week was really bad, it started out on Sunday night when I came home after my soccer game. That part was great, we won 4-2 and I played fairly well. I didn't get a goal, but I have all season for that. My husband wanted to come with me, so my daughter babysat.

We got home to both kids still up and my son leaning over a garbage can. We weren't home for 5 minutes when my son started barfing. Great. He was sick all night, every 2 hours. The next day, he barfed some more but by 11am had finally stopped. We took a 2 hour nap and he was almost all better. I had an appointment so my Mother in Law came over to watch my son. The next few days were very tiring, I tried to get the laundry done, clean the house and all that, but it never happened. I was so tired! Wednesday night my Grandmother passed away. Thursday was my husband's birthday, we went to the Southland leisure Center and it was a lot of fun. They had a "wipeout" style obstacle course in the water. I failed miserably, but still tried it at least a dozen times! Friday, my daughter didn't feel well but went to school anyway. Of course she came home at 10am and I had to cancel my appointment for my feet so I could stay with her.

Saturday I slept in as late as I could because I didn't feel well! That afternoon we went to my parents house. I felt better, and the weekend wasn't so bad. We reminisced about Grandma, her first husband, my Grandfather that I never met and her second husband, the only Grandfather I ever knew. It was a bit tough, but good. Monday was the funeral.

I have no intentions of having another week like that anytime soon. I am TRYING to clean the house still, my son has already called an asked to come home from school. I hate to say no that he can't come home, but I don't really believe that he is that sick. He has a cough and he says his back hurts, but he has been trying to stay home a lot lately. I know that I did that a lot when I was a kid and I guilted my Mom a lot. So much in fact, that she sent me to school when I was really sick, I had to have an emergency appendectomy that night, and I made her pay for that. Sorry Mom! What can you do? You can't let them stay home all the time, and you never know when they are really sick!

So that was my week. This week is short now due to being away for Monday. I feel like I will never catch up! I bought some chairs for the room in the basement. It's either going to be my "office" or I might just call it the "situation room".(It just sounds funny.) That room is painted and ready to use, but I can't seem to find the time to get my ass down there! I hope that one day I can just be caught up and live like a normal person! Until then, I will just plug away and nap when it gets to be too much!

Wish me luck....

Grandparents

Last night I lost my Grandma. This was expected and she was ill for some time. I knew that this time was coming and I didn't think that it would make me hurt as much as it did. Losing her forever made me think so much about all the things that she used to do for me.

Whenever I had an issue and I had to "run away from home", I always went straight to her house. She always had raspberry juice and a head of lettuce waiting for me. That and a big hug. She was always sweet to me and made me feel so loved. I have missed her for a very long time. She had Alzheimer's and had forgotten me quite some time ago. But that didn't mean that I forgot about her. She was a lovely woman, sweet, caring and kind. She always had something waiting for us grand kids when we came to visit. The paper dolls, Woman's World that she had already read and we could cut out stuff from it. She let me take naps on her couch and pick raspberries in her yard. She called me her sausage bean and made the littlest things fun. She had A&W baby mugs that we would drink from. Anyone that knew her, loved her.

I loved going out with her because everyone that knew her treated me so nicely. They gave me treats simply because I was Vi's grand daughter. She was very well known in our town, she worked at A&W and the drugstore and seemed to know everyone where ever she went.

She told us crazy stories about when Uncle Roger and Uncle Dennis painted the chicken's green. She told me about how I was like a cat because of my green eyes. She loved me unconditionally and I miss her.

Losing her reminded me that I have now lost all of my grandparents and what a lonely place the world is without grandparents. They are like parents that give you chocolate for breakfast and let you do crazy things that your parents won't. They don't care about your grades, how messy your room is, or who you are hanging out with. They just care about you and want to hold you and tell you that they love you.

I really didn't think that her death would be so gut wrenching for me. I knew it was coming, I thought I had prepared myself, but I can't stop crying as I write this.

I love you Grandma. You will always be remembered by me. You will always be missed and loved. Every time I smell moth balls, I will be reminded of you and I will take that moment to remember you and how much you loved me.

Chaos, chaos, chaos, soccer.

The other night I had a bit of a breakdown, everything just accumulated and had a bit of a cussing session. It seems I was a tad bit overwhelmed. Each night I tuck in my kids, they have such a hard time letting me go. I love to snuggle with them and talk, but I also have crap to do and a husband that I'd like to spend some alone time with.

My son didn't want to let me go. He just wanted to talk and snuggle, but then he told me that he thought my daughter got so much more time with me, which totally isn't true, and that he never gets enough time with me. I am ALWAYS here. I don't go out at night without them very often, I am always here after school, in the evenings, I am just always here. I am here by choice, I love my kids and I am always with them because I love to be. Maybe he was having an off night, but I was a bit upset that he felt he needed more.

Then I went to see my daughter, and I apologise for telling everyone this, but she had her period and she was uber bitchy. Then she was crying and upset that her hair was boring and she wanted something different, but everyone else's hair is boring too. How do you respond to that? I offered to cut her hair into a mohawk and she was not impressed. She didn't even laugh! I told her that because of her age and the fact that she had her period, now was not the right time to be making a decision about her hair because she would end up regretting it. Then she said that she wanted bangs! I hate bangs. Not on everyone - but certainly on me. I can't stand to have hair touching my face. But for my sweet daughter, with naturally curly hair that makes her crazy so much that she pins her hair back at night, she just cannot have bangs! I am not going to listen to how much she hates her bangs because they are poofy and stick out! She had to grow out her side bang because of the curl, and she wants bangs? No way. As a good parent, you have to make those tough decisions for your kids.

So after all that, I went downstairs and swore a blue streak at my husband. He was very sweet and sympathetic. I think I just needed to get it out. I did feel a whole lot better after swearing and crying a bit.

I have increased my antidepressant dosage, I think you can see why! So the whole family was in emotional chaos. Luckily I had my first indoor soccer game of the season last night and was able to get out some pent up frustrations. I needed that! I played fairly well and we won the game! I can barely walk today - my foot is really sore and my calf is tight, but it'll pass. I went for my first session of acupuncture today and I hope that will help. The doctor even said that I have awesome calves! Soccer calves baby!

Unfortunately my son has been vomiting all night and most of today, so today was a bit of a wash. I think I am on the up though. I'll go to bed really early and start fresh tomorrow.

My little secret

No, I'm not a shoplifter, not a closet alcoholic, not a drug user...although I do really like Advil Nighttime - it's a pain reliever with a sleep aid. I call it a godsend some nights. No, my little secret is that I am a napper. It doesn't seem like a big secret, but I tell you, it's getting out of control.

I took the kids to school the other day, went to Walmart and Sobeys, came home, put all the groceries away and then I went back to bed. For the rest of the day. I slept through lunch, and anyone that knows me, knows I don't miss meals! That night I went to bed at 10pm, fell asleep right away and slept all night. I am just so tired. I don't really know what to do about it.

I told some friends this yesterday and they said it wasn't a big deal, everyone needs extra sleep sometimes. But really, this has gotten bad. There are some days that I just give up, the day gets to be too much and I take a nap. But then other days, I am doing stuff, I am happy and excited about my day, and I still can't make it through. Some days I know that I have 20 minutes before I have to go get the kids, so if I am out, I will come home, park the car in the garage (shut of the engine, I'm not suicidal) close the garage door, set my phone alarm and sleep in the car. Sad isn't it. It was after I told my friends this little tidbit that they agreed, that was a bit extreme.

So what do I do? I've tried vitamin D, multi vitamins, getting lots of sleep, I've even tried those energy shot drinks. The drinks, by the way, taste like thick cough syrup and they don't even work. Although I could probably be on a straight caffeine drip and still be tired. I am going for acupuncture next week, so fingers crossed on that one. I just wish I knew what to do. I've tried exercise, and I do that very regularly, but it only energizes me for a little while, and then I really need a nap!

Everyone always says that I am always so busy, but I have to be. If I didn't keep myself busy, I'd be asleep. So that's it, my secret is out. I am a closet napper. I don't want to sleep through life, I have to find a way to be awake, stay awake and feel rested. I don't think I've ever gotten up in the morning and felt refreshed. I just feel a little less desperate for sleep.

My feet are shrinking???

When I was 21, I bought a pair of shoes that I very clearly remember. They were a cute navy sandal with white stitching. I also remember very clearly that they were a size 7 1/2. I was pretty broke at the time, so they were quite the purchase for me. I had to give them away about 12 years ago when my feet grew (due to pregnancy) from that cute and almost dainty 7 1/2 to a large and cumbersome size 9!

I have been a size 9, or 8 1/2 if they are a wide shoe, for 12 years. I learned to deal with it. Just recently, all of a sudden, my feet started to shrink! Last season, I bought a pair of indoor soccer shoes and they were a size 8. I wear my soccer shoes tight, so they tend to be a bit smaller than I normally wear. A couple of weeks ago, we went out to buy the kids new soccer shoes and I saw a pair of cute shoes that I liked. My husband has a bit of a shoe obsession so he had me try them on. The 9 fell off my foot. The 8 1/2 was way too big, so was the 8! I tried on the 7 1/2 and they fit, like a glove. I was shocked! So I bought them.

The other night at soccer practice (which was awesome, I was so excited to play) I wore my indoor shoes, the size 8's. Some of the girls got a bit rough, and since I like to play hard, I did too. I was shoving a girl into the wall land my foot slid a bit. My toes ended up being crunched up in my shoe because they slid forward so much(when I woke up the next morning I had a huge lump on my toe from the crunch!). I took a look at my foot in the shoe and noticed that my toes were nowhere near the end of the shoe. So it looks like I am going to need new indoor shoes. I'll make my husband take me shopping, he'll be thrilled!

My question is, is this normal? I haven't been pregnant in over 8 years and I thought that my feet had grown and become that size for good. Why the heck are they shrinking now? Is it due to getting older? Getting more exercise? Maybe because I have so many foot issues and my feet are just collapsing? I really don't get it. Please don't think that I am complaining! I get to buy ALL NEW SHOES!!!!! What girl wouldn't be happy. Oh, and husband's with shoe obsessions! The good news is that my awesome boots that were kind of expensive still fit really well. I guess I've got some shopping to do!

How frail life is

It makes you realize how frail life is when you hear about a freak accident that could have taken a life, but thankfully it didn't. It makes you realize that possibly losing a leg, is the good alternative. One minute your life is fine - stressed, busy, monotonous, whatever you might think your life is, and then something happens and it makes you realize that you would give anything to go back to life as usual.

A husband of a friend was in an accident and I pray that he is ok. I pray that they can make it through this and be ok.

Another friend of mine slipped and fell many months ago and is still having so many issues. A friends mother has cancer and is in the fight of her life.

At these times, I step back and realize that my "hectic" life is nothing. I have it so good. My husband and kids are healthy, my family is healthy. For that, I am truly grateful. I am sending out a prayer to all those people in my life that really need an extra hand right now. I wish I knew what I could do for them. Most times, I don't do anything, and I am ashamed of that. The little things that I have done seem like nothing. I'm too busy to help - well that seems just pathetic now.

I am usually very private about my religious thoughts, but tonight I am putting it out there. Pray for those in need, it's the least I can do.

Is this normal?

I am not going to change this feature of my family, but I am very curious to know if this is normal or not. Not that I care, but I do wonder. Here it is - my family sings.....a lot. At the supper table, in the car, while out walking. We sing songs that we like, we sing songs that we don't like, we make up our own songs and we put new lyrics into popular songs. For example...I throw my pants up in the air sometimes, singing aye ohh, hey where'd my pants go! We sing that one a lot, so much in fact, that I no longer know the real words to that. (I'll sing it for you if you want, so you get the tune!)

Is this weird? Do other people do this? We try to annoy each other and sing about whatever word the most annoyed person has said last. You know, please stop....becomes...stop, in the name of love! I could go on all day but I think I've made my point.

I know other people must have done this, or else there wouldn't be anyone that would have a singing contract. But those people can sing well, I don't think we can. My daughter and my husband have nice voices, my son and I are competent, but not great. We aren't looking for a contract or anything, so why do we do this? I know my husband's family never did this, I know that my family never did this. Is this a thing that my husband and I just do together and so it became a family thing? I can't even remember when it started. I do know that my daughter's friends have commented that we sing everything. So it is noticeable.

Maybe it's one of those things that just happens once and then evolves from there. Maybe it started because one of us sang something once, so the other sang back and it just became a thing. Kind of like the way we used to talk for the dog. She's been gone for 2 years now, my sweet puppy, and the kids still ask me to do "her laugh" because it makes them feel close to her. When we talk about her, I still talk for her. Originally my husband started that one - but then I took over and it became my thing. I talk for everything...but that's another story.

So I guess this is just a thing that evolved over time. I still wonder if other people do it like we do. Do they sing around the supper table, do they sing to annoy the kids, or are they normal and sing like normal people do? Who knows. I wonder if people would even admit to this if they did?

The TV sitcom laugh track

Why do sitcom's have to have laugh tracks? Do the producers of the TV shows think that they help people get the jokes on the show? Do they think that I laugh because the laugh track laughs?

The laugh track makes me want to hurt myself. I was watching The Big Bang Theory last night, and while I love this show, the laugh track makes it come off as 80's cheesy. The show is really good in it's own right, why do they have to ruin it? I noticed it because I was in the kitchen doing dishes and I had the TV on low, just really to keep me company so I didn't notice how boring doing the dishes was. I couldn't really hear what the people on the show were saying, but I could hear that laugh track every seconds. It made me crazy. Now I understand that the humor on this particular show is intelligent and may be over some people's heads (this is just a theory people) and the laugh track may help some of the less intelligent know when something was funny, so they don't feel even more stupid. They too can watch the show and laugh like they know what the hell is going on.

But then you get the kids shows, Hannah Montana, Shake it up, Good Luck Charlie, they all have laugh tracks and they aren't "smart humour" shows. Do they think that the kids watching need to know when something is funny? Do they think that they can't tell for themselves? As a note, my kids almost never laugh when the laugh track does. Does that mean they didn't know that part was supposed to be funny? I think that my kids are smart enough to laugh when they want to, they don't need any help from the laugh track.

This brings us to my favorite show - How I Met Your Mother. I LOVE this show, Neil Patrick Harris is the funniest man on TV. This show has a laugh track too, and while I hate that, I can ignore it long enough to watch the show. It really is the best thing on TV right now - just my opinion of course, but it is funny. This might be the only show that I actually laugh out loud at.

Do any of the shows NOT have laugh tracks? Oh, I know one - CSI. I love that show too, and I find parts funny, why doesn't it have a laugh track? I know it's because it is a drama, but still, you get the point.

I'd like to give TV producers a piece of my mind, lay off the laugh track! We are intelligent enough to know when something is funny enough to laugh at!

There, now I feel better. Have a great Friday!

Why do kids jump in front of my car?

Do they want me to hit them? Are they trying to learn a lesson the hard way?

Through no fault of my own, (no really, I swear!) I have almost hit 2 kids in the last 6 months! Both times it was a nice day, no snow or rain, in a school zone where I was going 25km/hr at most, a kid has run out from between 2 buses and has almost gotten hit by me. The first kid, I will say was most likely in grade 8 or 9, at least had the courtesy to apologize to me. He knew it was his fault I almost hit him. The second kid, 2 days ago, was in at least grade 8, and didn't even LOOK at me after I almost hit him. He just kept on running.

Stupid kids, when are they going to learn? I know that the pedestrian has the right of way in Canada, I don't agree with it, but I do follow that law anyway. But when it comes right down to it, who is going to win in that situation, the person or the car? Hmmm, I'm going to say the car!

I once saw a friend hit a kid on his bike, the police showed up and yelled at the kid, because it was his fault! He had ridden his bike into the car because he wasn't watching. The lady was barely going 10km/hr, so no one was hurt, but the car was damaged. The poor lady had to pay for the damage on her own car and had to live with the trauma of hitting a kid!

These situations always lead to discussions with my kids. My son was upset last night after talking about it, he gets scared after these talks because he is afraid it will happen to him. I feel bad, but he needs to know how to keep himself safe if I am not there to watch out for him. My daughter went the other way and got mad. She wants to do a presentation to the school about keeping yourself safe. God love her.

Where the heck are these parents? Do they not remind their kids not to do stupid things? One of my girlfriends saw her kids walk into a crosswalk without looking and 2 cars had to slam on their brakes. When she caught up to the kids, she smacked them both. I applaud her. The kids are 12 and 14! They should know better, mainly because she has told them a billion times.

These kids think they are invincible, that nothing will happen to them. They think of nothing but themselves. They text while they drive, they jump out from between buses. The next time a kid does that, I am going to get out of my car and slap them! My husband says just to hit them, I'm not going that fast and I won't hurt them and they'd learn their lesson. I'm not sure I can do that though! (I know he wouldn't either.)

I remember learning these things in school , don't they teach that anymore? I asked the Vice Principal to announce my message, I sure hope he did or else that school is going to get a talking to from my daughter!

It's a good day for being alive

I went for a walk this morning with 2 very lovely girls, very genuine people and it makes me remember how great it is to be alive. I admit that some days get me down, I struggle with depression, and I've been a bit off the last few days. Nothing major, just that little feeling of sadness creeping in. But all it takes is a walk with friends, a run with my daughter, a great song played really loud, a bowl of ice cream, for me to remember that life is good.

Some times the monotony gets me down and I forget how great life can be. People with depression, even when it's being controlled, always have that feeling of sadness waiting in the back of their mind. Even when life is great and there is nothing to be sad about, that feeling is always there, always threatening to come back. Some days it takes over. Days like today, it doesn't. Some days it just takes a few seconds for the day to be good, a good talk with friends always helps. Even if it's not about you, or anything that you are concerned about, that talk just lifts your spirits enough to keep that sadness at bay.

So today I will do all the things that I was going to do, instead of going back to bed. Today will be a day filled with the usual errands, grocery shopping, going to home depot, getting gas. But because I had that little pick me up before I do all this, the errands will be good and not get me down. That little talk will keep me going long enough for the next pick me up.

I guess I am like an addict, I have to get my fix. This isn't common, don't think that. But when I get in that little rut, where the antidepressants just aren't quite cutting it, I need little things to keep me going until I get back up and don't need a constant reminder that life is great. Usually, I know that life is great, and those "pick me ups" are just reminders, they aren't what keep me going.

Maybe it's the time of year, maybe I need to up my dosage, who knows why the depression threatens me more now. All I know is that things are ok, and I have to remember to look around and appreciate things so that I don't spiral out of control. Wow, I really thought this post would be a bit more positive than it's turned out to be! Maybe I am just tired, that always gets me. I'll have to make a bit more time for me today, go to bed a bit early tonight, and make a plan to something fun just for me this week. That ought to help!

An active body may make for a confused mind!

I have been running around this week like a chicken with my head cut off!

The good news is, once I get the stuff that I need to donate out of my basement, I will no longer be eligible for the show "hoarders"! The bad news is, I forgot what day it was every day this week, I had a bit of free time yesterday (1 whole hour) and didn't know what to do with myself, and I feel like I am running around in circles most days!

I do feel like I am getting somewhere, I've been back to running, I haven't made it to the gym, but that will be next week. It's still almost nice enough to run outside, which I have been doing, but this morning was a touch cold and my bottom felt like a slab of concrete when I ran.

I have an order for many, many more pictures for the electrical office. I have to go in next week and hang the ones I have done, and I have to go out next week and take some more pictures. I have to say, the one guy that was skeptical of my work is no longer skeptical. He now knows just how amazing I am! Yay for me.

I have the paint for my bedroom and my office - no longer the craft room/spare bedroom. I am taking back my own house! There is no need for me to have a spare room that gets slept in twice a year! I have a perfectly decent pull out couch they can sleep on. The ones that really love me don't complain! I can't wait to finish my office - it will be a space that is meant just for me. Other people are more than welcome to use it, but they have no say in what it will look like in there. Take that sweet husband who thinks he can have a say!

I must go, I finally booked a much needed massage and I need to be pampered. Next up, a pedicure. My feet haven't looked this neglected since I was 9 months pregnant and couldn't see them!

I'm on a fall high!

Everyone always talks about spring cleaning, or the new year in January as their time that they get excited and take on new tasks. My time is, and has always been in Autumn. I don't know what it is about this season, but I get all jazzed up to do stuff and get excited to take on new things, get new routines, run around the backyard like crazy like my dog used to do! I feel like I have just got tons of energy and new ideas and I can't wait to get them in place.

My whole house overhaul is going very well, I no longer feel like I am drowning in chaos. I took stuff in to Value Village yesterday, I took some stuff to be consigned. It was great, very much like getting a weight off my shoulders.

I've got the top floor of the house at about 90% done, the main floor is 60% and the basement, well that's another story, but I am looking forward to getting it started next week. I have a list of crap that I know can be gotten rid of, I've bought the paint to repaint the room from garbage bag orange (and I picked that color) to a lovely turquoise. I have a new chair that is gorgeous, I have a few new things to help organize and I have a kindergarten teacher eager to get all my crafty stuff that needs a new home. Things are just coming together nicely.

I told everyone that I was on a break from socializing, I still do it after school and took a nice morning walk with some of the girls, but no coffee or lunch dates for me. I'd be too occupied with what I can get rid of next! I have a field trip today and some errands, but I can work this weekend and most of next week. It feels so good to have energy and get excited about something, even if it is just getting rid of stuff and cleaning. But really, it is very therapeutic for me. I have to take advantage of this energy before it runs out!

(On a side note, I am getting paid for my photographic work and I have another job on the board! That helps with the energy and excitement!! )

Another thing I have to mention - my quote about coffee is not mine, I borrowed it from a site on facebook. It was just too funny (and accurate) not to share!

Why is coffee so addictive?

The coffee bean has a distinctive smell that makes you forget how painful it is to be awake.

I'm drowning!

I am drowning under a sea of laundry and general chaos that has over taken my house!

I've cleaned out and repainted my daughter's room, I cleaned my son's room, I re organized my closet so I don't get lost in there but......I have so many other things that need to be done and it's overwhelming! I thought that September was going to be the difficult month, and now it's lasting into October.

I still have to finish the laundry, take things to be consigned, clean the master bedroom and repaint it, clean out the craft room and repaint it, clean the house, take my photos into my husband's shop and put them up, take stuff - lots, at least 3 car loads full - to Value Village, go to 3 meetings, volunteer at the school...and I know I am missing some things on the list. On top of all of that, I still have to take care of the kids and make meals, get some exercise and find some time to relax.

To top it all off, I can hear a weird noise that sounds like a crow, but probably isn't. It's making me crazy and I am about to start my melt down. Ok, relax, deep breaths. Ug, off I go to try and get at least a bit of this list done!

This is to the sales guy at Abercrombie and Fitch

I went out last week to buy my husband some new cologne as an anniversary present in conjunction with the weekend away in Banff. Chinook Centre has added a new wing and they have all these "trendy" stores which I don't really like much - but every time I go down the new wing, all I can smell is a men's cologne that I just LOVE!

I went into every store looking for the scent and I couldn't find it. Finally I went back into Abercrombie and Fitch to see if I had missed it. The sales guy approached me and asked how I was doing, I mentioned that I was just ok and might need some help. So he walked away. Nice. I went along smelling things and came across him again and actually had to force him to speak to me. Might I just add a note here that no I am not young and skinny, but don't forget, I still have money. I probably have way more money than those young skinny things that usually go in there. Maybe I am profiling, but it just seemed to me that he didn't want to help me because I am (I'm thinking about how he might see me) a "fat old lady".

I do not have self esteem issues, nor am I fat or old, but I see a young sales guy and think of what he might see me as. May I just let him know, for future reference, when you see me, just look as me as though I have dollar signs floating above my head! Maybe that will help. I am not wealthy, but when I am at a store, there is usually a reason for it.

I did end up buying a cologne for my husband, and I wish to announce to the world that it is the one I could smell and now my husband smells like the sexy man that he is. He wore the new cologne all weekend and I was in heaven! My sense of smell is very good and I always associate smell with memories. If he forgets to wear the cologne, I might just go spray all of his clothes, it smells that good!

I do not like sales people - they are too pushy or don't help when you need them. But when someone is obviously looking for something and looking around for help - here's a hint, offer your services! I will probably never go back into Abercrombie and Fitch for that reason, I may have to go back in once in a while to get more cologne, but after that experience, they just lost me as a potential good customer. It reminds me of Pretty Woman, when she goes into the store and that sales lady wouldn't help her. I say to the sales people that treat me like that.....Big mistake, HUGE!

I want more

I don't think it's such a bad thing to want more. I have always had that phrase in the back of my mind and when asked what I want, by my husband mostly, I always answer, I just want more.

More of what? Everything. I want more kisses, more time with my kids, more time with my husband, more hugs, more adventure, more laughter, more running, more soccer, more rest, more travel, I just want more. I was asked why - why did I want more? Why wouldn't I? Life is awesome and I just want more experiences.

I want to see the world, I have been around Europe quite a bit, and I want to see more of it. I want to see more churches, more architecture, history. I want to see how more people live, more beaches, more monuments. It doesn't matter where we go, even to places I won't go back to, I am always thankful that I have gotten to see that place. No one can take that away from me, no one can take my experiences and my memories. I'm going to Banff soon, and I've been there many times, but this is a new time and I can't wait to see what's there. What we will do, the experience we will have.

I love my husband and kids and I get so put off when people want our time because I just want to be with them. Holding them, talking to them. I can't get enough of them. I love my time alone when the kids are at school and my husband is at work, but I look forward to when they are back with me and they share what they did that day. Even though I wasn't with them, I want to hear about what they did, what they experienced. I just can't get enough.

Now please don't think I am unfulfilled, unsatisfied with life - it's quite the opposite. I am so in love with my life, I want to get as much out of it as I can. Everything that I do is something. I get to learn something new everyday, I get to see something new everyday. I finally understand what it is that I want when I say I want more. I would think that before, and even I didn't get what "more" I wanted, and now I know. I want to feel everything, pain, sadness, happiness, love. I want to take something from every experience and learn from it, grow from it.

It is so important to me to get more out of life - you have to be alive and do the things you do, you might as well enjoy it and take something from everything that you do. Now I don't get a lot from some things, laundry for example, comes to mind. But even that teaches me how to do it right, what not to do next time. I think that people who don't want more are the ones that are missing out.

It's not things that I want more of - ok, maybe more cute shoes or more cardigans (I LOVE cardigans). But I want to have all of those memories so that I can look back on my life and know that I didn't waste a minute away. I did everything that I could, I went on as many adventures, tried as many new things as I could. I can say that I have done all these things and learned something from every single thing that I have done. My life is so full because I dwell on all the things I have gotten to do, and I can keep those feelings and thoughts with me where ever I go. The good things stay with me, and the bad things - what I have learned not to do, that stays with me too. Every little thing that I have done and seen stays with me and makes me the unbreakable person that I am today.

I can't wait for the next little adventure that is as close as my laundry room and as far away as Europe. What will I learn next? I can't wait to find out!

Happy Anniversary to me and my husband!

Today marks the 14th wedding anniversary of myself and my husband. I am so happy to have made it this far, especially considering the rate of divorce everywhere. I cannot say that the last 14 years have all been happy, but we have made it through and we are so happy together now.

We got married when we were both 22. I have no idea what possessed up to get married so young. I think we both wanted to be "grown up" so bad that we rushed through our courtship and hurtled into marriage. I put the blame of that on me, I wanted to be married SO badly and I told my husband so. But really, he never should have asked me that early and I never should have said yes. We had so much growing up to do and it caused so many issues in our marriage.

We were married for just over a year when I (finally) got pregnant. I say finally, because we had been trying for over 9 months. So marriage wasn't enough, we had to add kids to that. A daughter and 4 years later we also had our son. I am not saying that's when the trouble started because I think we were a bit doomed to begin with, but that it when the trouble escalated.

I was at home with 2 kids, my husband was out trying to build his company and we drifted apart. We became 2 separate people too proud to ask each other for help. I didn't need him and he didn't want to help me. It should have ended there....but it didn't. We had a few rough years after that before we hit rock bottom. And that's when we started our road up together.

For the past few years we have been working on our marriage. Our marriage had been so broken that it took both of us to pick up the pieces together, and I am so thankful that we did. I am so in love with my husband, it is almost nauseating. I look forward to seeing him after work, I love our little date nights, and our mini dates. I love working around the house and the yard with him. I love that we share soccer as our favorite sport to play and watch. We just love to be together and I couldn't be happier about it. He is a better father to the kids, I am a better mother. I am an amazing wife, and he is the best husband a woman can ask for.

I am thankful that we had such hard time together, because it really has made our marriage stronger. We are grateful to have each other and we never take each other for granted anymore. We work together as a unit on everything and I wouldn't want it any other way. This morning he surprised me with 14 roses and I have planned a weekend away for just the two of us. We are just going to Banff, but we have the 2 days to ourselves, and we are going back up the gondola that he proposed on!

I never thought that marriage was going to be like this, so hard, so lonely, and then so fulfilling and joyful. I wish I could tell the world how amazing marriage can be if you just work on it together. We know now that we can make it through anything.

Is it naive not to believe in "dooms day"prophecies?

My husband is, once again, watching a dooms day prophecy show about comets and earthquakes, mudslides and volcanoes. He asks me, what would we do when/if that happens? I have no idea! I don't worry about crap like that. I have way too much other stuff to do and to worry about, I don't need to add that to my list!

He always watches those shows about Nostradamus and the Mayan calendar. First off, Nostradamus's prophecies are so obscure and broad ranged that they could apply to anything. "The tall shapes will light up the sky..." that lead to the September 11th tragedy. Really? Now I know that I am not quoting that saying right, but I could make some prophecies that are so general in nature, that they could apply to anything. "The paper will leave the hand and fall into darkness". Ok, tell me what that means!

If the world is hit with tragedy, I think I will just deal with it then. You can't always make a plan and hope that it will all work out. What if the world is falling apart and all that stuff you put in your "dooms day" kit doesn't actually help? Flashlights, food, water...what if it all evaporates and just people and ladybugs are left - what then?

I am not the eternal optimist, but I just think that those people who have a plan for these catastrophic events might just be preparing for nothing. And, hey, if they are prepared and I'm not, I'll just invite myself to their house. Don't get me wrong, I am not making fun of people that plan for that kind of thing, not at all. I am simply saying that I will worry about it when the time comes. If I thought about all the bad stuff that could happen, I'd just sit and watch movies while eating ice cream and chocolate and wait for it to happen!

There is always going to be something on TV or the news that says the world is going to end. Well, if that happens, then what should I worry about? I won't be here! How do you plan for that? I am just going to live my life, enjoy my life and not worry too much about all that stuff. If the Mayans are right, which I don't think that they are (just saying), then the world will end next year and all of this will be for nothing. The night before it all ends, I am going to eat all of my favorite foods, tell off all the people that need to be told off, tell my kids I love them, and make sure my husband knows that he is the love of my life.....oh wait, I already do that! Looks like I have prepared after all!

Look at me go...

to the doctor. Yup, I did it. I had to call the doctor's office as my husband is sick enough to go to the doctor. Trust me, that's shocking. He NEVER goes to the doctor - but his throat has hurt for days and his neck glands are swollen. He's been gargling with moonshine (please don't judge me by my husband's actions) and it hasn't cured him. I know, I know, but how do I explain the actions of an old world European man?

I called to get him an appointment and they had one that would work for me before I have my school council meeting tonight. I have no idea what the heck I am going to do about supper, and I don't really care right now. It seems like a good day for soup.

Off I go now to Costco to get chips for the Welcome Grade 7 lunch, and the teacher's BBQ for tomorrow. I have to pick up my pictures that I had done of myself and the work ones that I have to put up in my husband's office. Then I think I will take myself out to lunch (seems fitting as I am always "out to lunch"), and try to get the rest of my errands done. There is no rest for the wicked.

Am I stressed out?

I think my worst quality is my complete inability to read myself. I have perioral dermatitis around my mouth - and an eye twitch that have been hanging around for about 3 weeks! The dermatitis is like small pimples only they NEVER go away. I have been trying a glycolic acid, but so far, it's still there. I have looked up the eye twitch on the internet and everything I find comes back with an answer that I am tired and/or stressed.

Well I know I am tired, I am always tired, but am I stressed? I'm not sleeping well, the fist 2 weeks of school have been a bit hectic, but is that enough to make my eye twitch constantly for 3 weeks?

I am such a pain in the ass, I won't go to the doctor until I think things are bad. He'll probably tell me that the twitch will go away and he'll give me antibiotics for the dermatitis....but then I'd have to take time out of my busy schedule to go see him. I know - I am a stay at home Mom, but I swear, I do more now than I ever did when I was working. I am a stay at home Mom who is never at home. I think I am afraid to be home too long because the fact that I can nap is overwhelmingly tempting. Then I'd never get anything done.

So I come back to the question, why is it so hard to read myself? Maybe I am too hard on myself because I expect more from me. Sometimes I am a bit slow to realize that I have taken on too much and I just need to relax. Sometimes I have a week where a few days are hectic and that stresses me out so much that I can't relax on the days that aren't hectic. Ok, I get it, I am stressed out. Thank goodness this is a short school week, Thursday is the REALLY hectic day and then I have a 3 days weekend. Now I just need to calm down and take it day by day......can someone remind me to do that please?

Ug, I am going to finally clean the house.

I still haven't cleaned my house. I know it sounds so gross, but really, it's really not that bad, I swear!

My daughter and I were cooking supper tonight and I told her that I needed the house tidied by us by the end of the night so I would have an easier time cleaning tomorrow. I mentioned that I really haven't cleaned the house in a while. She said, what like, 2 weeks? No....more like a few months. And her comeback, "huh, I thought it was a bit messy". She hadn't even really noticed that the house wasn't clean! That's how not bad it is!

Like I said before, I do tidy and spot clean, but I am doing the full on clean tomorrow. With the exception of my daughter's room. We broke down and finally bought her a bedroom set and it will be here in a few weeks. She's been using my stuff that my husband and I bought before we were even married! And she had her own bed that we bought about 8 years ago, the one that I broke as I put it together, and broke further every time we moved it! It works, it's just missing "pretty" pieces. So I have to clear out her room before I can clean it and paint it. We get to get rid of a ton of stuff that she doesn't use - and I am being very brutal with what I get rid of. I can't stand the crap that we don't need or use.

I also have a bunch of stuff around the house that I can't wait to get rid of. I have a full bag in the den that is leaving soon, and I plan to have a lot more after that! My husband seems to think that he wants to move again. I don't really, but it can't hurt to get rid of shit that I wouldn't want to move anyway!

I have to go now - my husband has been watching the 9/11 stuff all week and he wants to chat about it. Happy Birthday to my Dad and cousin Brian - at least there are 2 good things that happened on September 11th!

Something that pisses me off

I hear this all the time, I have to lose weight to do this (insert activity here), I never could have done that when I was heavier. I need to to lose weight to be pretty, popular, better, blah, blah, blah. Quoted from Weight watcher's magazine - "....and how I will dress to hide myself, ....I never would have had that experience if I hadn't lost the weight."

Then I get to the other spectrum, I read an article about a lady who was a motivational speaker and was very overweight. She went around telling people to love themselves a they were. One woman in her audience asked her how she could possibly be healthy at that weight.

What I want to know is, what the hell? Does me being over weight make me unhealthy? Unable to do fun things, experience joy, exercise regularly???? I say no.

I know this for a fact. I see the doctor every year for my annual exam and I am in perfect health. Yes my weight may lead to issues in the future, but as people age, aren't we all at risk of something? Right now I am at the peak of health.

I also exercise regularly, in fact, I just ran the hill by my house three times today. How could I possibly do that while being fat? Well lets see, I put on my shoes, and I just run.

I am very happy in my life, I do all sorts of fun things. I can rock climb, I do obstacle courses in the sky, I play soccer, I run and go to the gym. I wear really cute bathing suits and look hot in them. Does being fat stop me from doing anything? Well wearing size 5 jeans yes, but anything that is important to me? Nope.

I just get so sick of all that shit out there that says we have to be thin to be happy. I say that you have to be happy first and then everything else will fall into place. It's like those people who get boob jobs. If you were happy before the boobs, then the boobs will just make you look a bit better to you - and that's great. If you were not happy, and had low self esteem before, guess what, bigger boobs don't come with self esteem! Losing weight does not automatically increase your self esteem either. I know lots of skinny women who don't have half the self esteem that I do.

Now you may ask, why do I have such good self esteem? Well who the hell knows! I just worked on it for years, fake it until you make it, I say, and it got to the point that my self esteem just can't be shaken. I've been through a lot in my life and really hard times just a few years ago, and my self esteem is at an all time high. I like who I am, I like how I look, I love to dress my body and look nice. I feel sorry for those people who can't get to where I am. But I know that it is possible.

I've had low self esteem, very low. People have to stop looking around them and comparing themselves to other's. I may not be a doctor, or a fashion designer, I can't build space ships and wear size 0 jeans. Big deal. I found what I am good at and I do it. I like what I see in the mirror, I like the example I am for my children, I am a good and honest person. If that's not enough for some people...if I have to be skinny to be liked by people, well then I say, piss on them. I don't need people like that in my life. I am happy just the way I am. Now if I do happen to lose weight, great, but if I don't, I not going to die wishing I had been thinner.

Nothing is easy for the unwilling..

I finally caved!

We just had a PVR installed yesterday.

I know that everyone probably already has a PVR and they are wondering what took me so long to get one. I tell you I was fighting it for a very long time. We don't watch a lot of TV and I didn't want to watch more. I felt that if we had a PVR that we would watch a lot more TV- and I don't know if that is true yet because we've only had it for less than 24 hours. I know that my son has already started using the PVR and is taping a series that he likes to watch. That's what happens when he gets up before me.

I'll tell you why I finally caved. It was a perfect storm of things - my husband decided that having a PVR so he could tape all of his soccer games would be a good idea. He wanted to pause the game and show us all a few tips on how to improve our game. I had just renewed my contract with Telus TV and was a little disappointed that we didn't get much in the deal. I had to add back some channels that we gave up in order to get a full soccer channel that turned out to be half soccer, half rugby. So I called Telus and asked them what they could do for me. They said that if I added a year to my 2 year contract, they could give me a free PVR for 3 years, and that's is where the ball dropped. I gave in, I succumbed. You put the word free in front of me and I lose all reason.

So we've got the PVR, my husband has his beloved soccer, I have Glee for me and the kids. I realized that I can watch what I want, when I want. I don't have to bow down in front of the TV and ask for something decent to watch. I have indoor soccer this season and I don't have to worry about missing my one and only favorite show, How I Met Your Mother. Yes, I have had to eat my works after saying that I'd never get a PVR, but I have had to eat my words a few times this week already. Like watching Sixteen Candles is appropriate it with the kids - it so wasn't. We stopped it 30 minutes in. But that's, another story.

Back to Routine?

I've gotten the kids off to school - the house is quiet and I am already back to work. But you are a stay at home Mom you say, what could I be doing?

That's the funny thing, I have never been so busy as I am as a stay at home Mom. I used to work part/full time and I let a lot of things slide. Now I do a lot more because I can. I have just updated the website that I built for an electrical company - it's a lot of work from time to time, but I am a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to that. I am on the computer a lot and I see the little things that make a website look bad. A lot of web site's are also not very up to date, this one is...now.

I have a list as long as my arm of all the things I want to do or get done. I wrote a list last night before I went to sleep, I wrote it in the dark and amazingly, I can read it! It has a few weird things on it, but I guess that's what happens when I am writing while half asleep.

I have today and tomorrow to start my plans, and next week, I am in full action mode. That means going back to the gym, painting, baking, organizing and getting rid of crap that I don't need or want. I am actually quite excited about it. I have been looking around the house for the past 2 months and noticing all the things that need to be done. But I am smart....I don't do any inside work when it is nice out. In Calgary, you don't get nice days often enough to just let them pass by.

September always feels like a new beginning for me. Its the time that everything is fresh and new and you can remake your life again, if you want. In my case, I don't want to remake my life this year, I just want to expand on the things about my life that I already love.

I feel energized and full of plans. I feel like I can do anything, I hope that feeling lasts and I don't need a nap at the end of the day! I figure if I just have a plan and I am organized, I won't get overwhelmed and not do anything.

So here's to September, here's to new ideas, back to the same old, same old, only with a fresh attitude.

Adventure!

While I was in BC with my sister and our kids, we also went white water rafting. We went on a trip that takes about 2.5 hours and normally it is too dangerous to take kids on, but due to the level of the river at this time of year, kids are allowed on as the rapids are a bit less dramatic.

A few years ago we took the kids on a raft trip, but it was called the family float, and they weren't kidding. We had one rapid and then it was just a float for a very long time.

This time around we wanted something just a bit more intense. We got it! We chose a group called Apex Raft Co. that operates out of the Regent hotel in Revelstoke. We got geared up in wet suits and socks, "experienced shoes", meaning shoes that had already been soaking wet. We also had fleece jackets and splash jackets. I thought this was all a bit excessive because we didn't even get wet on our last raft trip.

We went out in the bus and drove about 30 minutes, got off the bus and took some pictures. We got on the raft and away we went. About 3 minutes into the trip, I got a taste of what the trip was going to be like. We hit our fist rapid and we all got soaked! Not only were we dripping wet, but we were paddling like mad and the rapid was HUGE! Our guide, Paul, was really great. He encouraged the kids to paddle, he guided us in how to paddle and he also told us all about the river we were rafting. It's called the Illecillewaet River, and he told us all about the rivers coming into the river we were on and the mountain range we were flowing through. He was very well educated and amusing too. The have a thing, the guides, where they tell you about "Kid Island" and when we get there, we see it is just a rock and the guides try to throw one of the kids off the boat onto the "island". It was funny.

We floated along side the other group that was there that day, with their guide Corey. Corey encouraged the people in his raft to douse us with water, so they did. We got into a big water fight and my daughter got Corey right in the mouth with a ton of water when he was trying to talk. I was so proud of her! Corey did strike back and stole my son off our raft and into theirs! The guides know all the slow spots and make the trip more fun there by being a bit crazy. We did get my son back - he thought it was hilarious!

My 8 year old paddled for a little while, but my 12 year old paddled the entire trip. My 14 year old nephew has a habit of being a bit grouchy and he didn't say one bad thing the whole trip, and he paddled the whole trip too. I'm pretty sure he loved it just as much as the rest of us.

This was the best raft trip I have ever been on. It was full of "gnarly" rapids, I mean they were just amazing. I wasn't scared at any point, a bit afraid the kids would fall out, but they didn't, and after the first 20 minutes, I didn't even worry about that anymore. It really was an active trip, I had puddles in my sleeves, but my wet suit held up really well. My hair was wet, but we were lucky enough to have a nice hot day so we were warm for the most part.

I can't even explain how much I love to raft - I might one day just give up my life and become a raft guide. I wish every day could be that interesting. Life without adventure is just plain boring. If you haven't tried rafting yet - you have to at some point. I can't wait to get my husband out

there with us!

My most embarrassing moment realized

I was in BC the other day on the "Sky Trek" just outside Revelstoke, located beside the Enchanted Forest. I love this place, everything about it. The way the air smells so earthy, the lushness of the trees, the coolness of the shade and of course, the blazing sun! There are so many things to do in this area that we just don't seem to have in Calgary.

The first stop on our excursion was the Sky Trek. It is a tree top challenge, ok, not tree top, but up in the trees. It's an obstacle course combined with zip lines. What a blast this place is. My daughter who is 12 and my 8 year old son got to go up with me, along with my sister and nephews. My son just barely met the height requirement, but he did, and he was able to do this challenge for the first time. The rest of us did this last year as well.

We did great, you hook in with your carabiners and go along the challenge in a 4 step course. First was the green course, which is the easiest and the shortest. There are a bunch of different games to go through and at the end, you get a double zip line. This was really fun, a bit challenging, but we did great. Even my son - actually, he shocked me how well he did. It was like he was made for it! Next was the blue course, it got a little harder and that ended with a zip line and a 20 foot rock climb wall to get to the black course. The rock climb should have been easier this year, but the line kept getting stuck, so a few of us had some scary moments. A little bit of crying and some struggles later, you get to zip line again. After the zip line, you have to climb about 30 feet on a ladder to the big zip line. This is where my most embarrassing moment happened.

The zip line is a lot of fun, you get to slide through the air so free. But at the end, that's where the trouble starts. The kids got through this part just great, but I went really fast, and I smacked my butt on the padded ledge at the end. So you see, I was backwards, which is not a great position to be in. I tried to grab the rope to pull myself in, and I got the rope, but I was too far away, so I let go and tried again. Same result, I went in backwards and couldn't get myself close enough to pull myself in. I was just unable to pull my body weight that far. So I had to let go again, and I just stopped in the middle. That's when Johnny had to come to my rescue. How embarrassing. I had to just hang there until someone could get me. I know it doesn't seem like much, but that is one of my worst fears. Fortunately, Johnny was really nice about it, he hauled me back in and I got back up the course. I thanked him for rescuing me, and he reminded me that I was not in fact rescued, I was merely assisted as I was able to get back on the course. So now I no longer have a fear of being rescued! That harness hurt me a bit, but other than that, I came out of the incident unscathed!

We didn't go on to the double black - some of us got freaked out by a skateboard game, that one terrified me. That is the toughest course and we just weren't ready for it. But we didn't make it to black last year, so I consider the trek a success.

Would I do the tree trek again? Without hesitation! It is such a physical challenge, it makes me feel like I can do anything! The kids had a blast, my son did amazing well, but then, so did my daughter. I am so proud of us that we are capable of such activities. The only problem now is finding things that that in Calgary. What a fun way to get a great workout!

I can't believe I am going to say this...

But I am actually looking forward to the kids going back to school. Just 9 days until that happens. I only know that because my daughter is keeping track of the days left until she is in junior high!

I don't want to get rid of the kids, I really don't. I love having them all to myself and getting to do all sorts of fun stuff all the time, going to the beach, road trips, sleeping in! When they go back to school, I will get that sense of normalcy and routine back. And I love routine! Especially when it comes to routine alone time for me! Not only that, but I will have time to clean the house, which we all know I haven't been doing. Not that I care all that much, but I do like a clean house. I want to complete the laundry in a day, not 5. I want time to get actual groceries and not just live on what we have and try to make meals out of that all the time. I want to cook supper again. I know that doesn't sound like me, but I have had a lot of take out recently and I'm feeling a bit gross and bloated.

Routine is so nice, you know what is on the schedule for the next day, you have time to prepare for things. I feel like I am just winging it a lot of the time. That is so not like me. I like plans and schedule. I have a list of all the things I want to do this fall. I love my little projects. My master bedroom needs paint, I have to fix the paint job in my sons room, I can get rid of more crap that litters my house. Not to mention that I can't wait to get back to the gym where I can strap on my ipod and ignore people. I want to have a meal by myself, read a book in a few days instead of a month.

I used to get so upset when the kids went back to school, but now, I know that they have to, and I am ok with it. They are both in full time school, I have no job and I am just thrilled with my life. I enjoy the kids while I have them and I enjoy my freedom when I don't. Life just doesn't get much better than this.

Home Sweet Home

I've been away a lot this summer and I always feel so happy when I am at home. Coming home is just like, well, coming home. I have never felt so comfortable somewhere as I do at home. I love to travel and be away, but coming home is always like being engulfed in the sweetest hug.

I took a shower last night and appreciated all my things being in the shower with me. Having all my favorite products, knowing that everything I needed was right there in front of me. Getting out of the shower I dried my face on my towel and inhaled the smell of my clean towel. What a wonderful smell, clean linens in my own bathroom in my own home. I then moisturized my legs with my favorite lotion beside the bed, I had to rub a bunch of medicated creams into my bruised muscles, I got a bit beat up at my soccer game, and did the heat cream on my feet. But knowing that all my stuff was right there at my fingertips, what a great feeling. Crawling into bed with clean sheets and my sweet warm husband beside me. I almost cried I was so happy to be home.

There is nothing like being away to make you appreciate what you have at home. (Especially my husband)

Just a funny story

I was in Hungary earlier this summer and I was trying to go to the bank to get some cash. I went to the door of the bank, and even though it said that you didn't need your card to open the door, the door still wouldn't open. A nice older man watched as I tried the door and scratched my head. He came over to me and asked if I needed help (in Hungarian) and because I understood what he said, I said yes. He then asked me something else, again in Hungarian. I didn't understand at all what he had said, so I told him, in Hungarian, that I didn't speak Hungarian. He said, in Hungarian, of course you do, you speak Hungarian very well!

It's tough when you speak enough Hungarian to get by, but can't understand everything.

So this sweet man and I proceeded back to the bank door. I tried the door, he tried the door, and it still wouldn't open. Until I got a great idea. I thought maybe instead of pulling on the door, maybe you had to push. Guess what! Yup, the door opened. That sweet old man and I had a very long laugh over that one!

I haven't cleaned my house in 2 months

Now I know that sounds gross, but I did clean it before we went on vacation, and we were gone for 3 weeks, so that 3 week period doesn't even count, but today I finally cleaned the house. I did clean here and there, a bathroom here, a bit a vacuuming there. But I didn't do a big clean, which I usually do every week.

I am all for a clean house, but there are some things that are so much more important. Like tanning, going to the lake, going for a bike ride. Just about anything that is fun, or outdoors in nice weather counts as more important. The house really isn't all that bad anyway. It's a bit dusty, but my house is always dusty. I hate to dust. Why should I dust? It's just going to come right back. If someone can show me how to dust so that it stays not dusty, I'd pay a million dollars! I had to give my husband crap for drawing in the dust on a high shelf. It's a "half" wall, that goes up the length of a full wall, but in an area that has a vaulted ceiling. There's a wood shelf top on the wall and it gets really dusty. But if you don't disturb the dust, no one can tell....unless your fool husband draws in it!

You'd be surprised at how clean the house really was. It's not like the longer you leave it, the house gets exponentially dirtier. Once it's dirty, it just stays kind of dirty. When you finally go to clean the house, it really only takes as long as it usually does. It doesn't take longer. You can only vacuum the same areas, there's not more to vacuum. It's not as if I had to scrub the house for hours to get it clean, I don't have that much build up on anything.

I do have to admit that the house feels so much better now that it's clean. The bathrooms seem larger now that there aren't clothes all over the floor and draped over the tub ledge. It's nice to walk through the house without tripping over things. It's nice to have a table that is not full of clutter and travel stuff. I even put the table cloth back on my dining room table!

Like I said, I usually clean the house very week, but now that I know that it's not so bad to leave it, I might just take a week off every once in a while. I've finally learned that a clean house can wait. My kids, the weather and a good spa day cannot!