And now, the continuing saga of the housewife who couldn't stay awake. In this episode, New Meds!

This sleep disorder is kicking my ass.  Over the past few weeks, the side effects and the lack of wakefulness has lead me back to the doctor to change up my medication.  So far, it's not going so well.

I started on one pill for the last 2 days, and I had to take 2 naps each day, and still felt like total crap.  This morning I was allowed to up the pills to 2!  So far, not bad.  It didn't start off very well, but a little chat with friends in the brisk morning air helped me from going home and going straight back to bed.  I feel half awake and ready to take on some laundry, more coffee and maybe I might even clean a bathroom!

I just want to get through the day without the absolute necessity of taking a nap.  Is that too much to ask?  I hope not.  The last few nights my sleep has been terrible to top things of.  My mouth has been so dry, I wake up feeling like the Sahara Desert has taken over my mouth.  That happens a few times a night, so I know I am not getting restful sleep.  My husband has been making fun of me too - the other night he asked me just how many things I had put in my mouth.  The answer.....4.  I have the top part of my appliance, the bottom part of my appliance and 2 sticky minty things that are supposed to help my mouth create saliva.  Yes, I am super hot when I go to bed.

I have to get more of the minty sticky things because apparently, I can't sleep without those now either.

My sister would be so proud of me today though.  I said no to something!!!  It's a cookie exchange, and it's not a bad thing to do, but it's one more thing to add to my list that I really shouldn't be adding.  So I told the girls I just couldn't do it!  I can't believe I actually said no.  That's a huge thing for me.  I get such anxiety about doing things that I don't want to do, or just can't fit into my schedule.  But I have to take care of myself and in order to do that, I have to stop taking other things on.

I have enough to deal with just trying to keep the house clean, food on the table, and laundry.  Oh yeah, and staying awake long enough to spend time with the kids and the husband.  Put soccer on top of that, all the appointments I have for my feet and the sleep issue, and it just gets to be too much.  I am lucky, and VERY thankful, that I don't have to work on top of that.  (Thanks be to Andre)

I'm still plugging away, some days are better than others.  I do have hope.  I am very thankful that I have some wonderful doctor's who listen - because I sure didn't have that before.  I have doctor's who found the issue and are trying to fix it, I didn't have that before either.  So I know that I am not alone, I am going in the right direction, and there will be a solution to this problem....I just have to be patient and wait for it to happen.

Until then, I will nap, try to get the necessities done, and be a little less hard on myself.

Let's just pause and appreciate how amazing I am!

I thought my head was big before, hitting a loss of 30 pounds yesterday, and my ego is just through the roof!  I am 190 lbs, and I hope to break the 180's soon!!!!

I thought that with each pound I lost it would be a lot more exciting though.  It's not.  Don't get me wrong, I am very happy with my success, but where is my party?  Why aren't people celebrating my huge milestones???  Oh yeah, this isn't tv.  It's too bad, maybe a few balloons and some party horns might make it seem a bit more of a big deal.  Maybe I should video tape the weigh in, or the trying on of all my clothes in my closet that are too big, and make my own soundtrack.  Then I can watch it over and over again and really celebrate!

Fine, I'll just go buy myself something pretty, that fits, to celebrate instead!

I did have a bit of a tv moment at one of my games last week.  I was in the corner at the opposing net when time stopped.  No one moved....it was so quiet...you could hear the clock ticking.  As I was standing there with the ball it really was like time stood still and I had a moment of clarity....something I don't get much in a game.  It was just me and the ball, and one girl defending me.  I thought long and hard and I made my move.  I took a fake kick..... the defender ran the other way and I took a shot on net......and totally missed!  But it was one hell of a moment in time for me.  The girls on the bench were laughing their asses off.  They couldn't believe that I had pulled off that move.  To be honest, I was a bit of a panicky player before, and for me to make a move like that and have it work, well I had to laugh too!  I did the same move against my coach the week before and burnt her - she was shocked!  She's been there to watch me play from the start - so it was a bit of a surprise that after only a few seasons, I could burn around her!

It's hard to believe the person I was once has changed into the person I am today.  I have my bad days, but for the most part, I am happy, healthy, in love, and so positive about everything.  I never would have thought that I could be this person, strong, a leader, an athlete.  I had a nurse yesterday accuse me of being perfect!  That is not a word that I would use to describe me.  She did feel better after she decided that I was probably vitamin D deficient!  I most likely am.  (Someone should really move me to a warmer climate - I am not meant for this cold.  I should be somewhere warm, with my bikini on, running on the beach.  Well not at the same time.  Me and bikini running.....not yet thanks.  I am still trying not to look like a rabid rottweiler when I run with clothes on!)  I always wanted to be here, in this state of mind, I just wasn't sure it could happen.  I never did want to be an athlete, but now that I am, I wish I would have thought of it sooner!

Yes, I am annoyingly happy.  I've heard that only despair and scandal will get anything you post to go viral, so I am not going there anytime soon.  But that's ok.  I am happy, and I am not going to create shit and drama to get noticed.

So much to do, so little motivation!

I have to admit, I've been getting some stuff done.  Maybe it feels like I'm not because those things I have been getting done have been on my list for a VERY long time!  I called Enmax....2 months after my contract expired.  Ooops.  They didn't care, I pay my bill, they charge me whatever they want.  Now I don't have to call them again for 5 years!  That is my kind of conversation.  Oh good to hear from you, talk to you in 5 years!

I'm not anti social (much), I just find that too many people want my attention far too often.  It's no wonder I hide in my house!

Is that abnormal?  Most people want to be popular, I just want people to leave me alone!  I think I've just gotten into the habit of saying yes...ok, I KNOW I've gotten into the habit of saying yes all the time.  I really need to stop that and remember that my time is very valuable.  It's all I have really.  And I give it away!  Well no more.  I have to remind myself everyday that I can say no, and I have to keep myself calm instead of worrying about who will ask me to do what next.  Read it slowly, I swear that sentence makes sense!

There are a few things that I like to offer myself up for - school stuff, soccer, coffee with people I actually like and want to spend time with.  I've gone to 2 parties in the last 2 months and had a great time, because I actually wanted to be there.  Normally I dread those things.  I drove an hour and a half just to see my sister to go to a craft show.  Totally worth my time!

I played up for the Premier soccer team last night - again, worth it.  We did get our asses handed to us, 8-0, but it wasn't because of me!  The other team is just that good.  I told that team to call on me anytime.  They even thanked me for coming!  I'm sorry, but playing up for a team like that is huge for me.  For them to thank me for being there instead of telling me that I suck - makes me feel pretty damn good!  I was even told I played well!  I scoffed at that, but I was assured that I did well and that I listen. That's a huge pat on the back for me!

I have a huge "to do" list and I guess I am working my way slowly through it.  I think that I might be able to paint my master bedroom finally.  I bought the paint at least 6 months ago!  I had it checked, it's still good to use.  I've been getting rid of crap, I still have a ton of crap to get rid of.  I've gotten rid of a bunch of my clothes because they are WAYYYY too BIG!!!!!  I have organized things and made appointments.  So what if I take a day off here and there, I deserve it!  (if you see my husband, remind him that I do deserve it!)  I shovelled the walk already today too.  I told my husband that with all the shovelling I have to do, there's no way I could ever get a job!  He laughed....

It might sound odd that I have to remind myself of things everyday.....you can say no, you can take a day off, you don't have to do everything all the time.  I guess I just get caught up worrying about everyone else that I forget about what is important to me.  I'm not dumb, I'm just super forgetful.  I'll just have to set up some reminders to myself to remember all that.

I took a nap....

I had to, I have been so tired!  I've been doing really well - with the exception of last Saturday when I missed my window to take my medication.  I thought taking one day off wouldn't hurt, well it did, and if I do it again, it might hurt more than just me.  I almost took my husband's head off yelling at him to leave me alone and just let me sleep!  I took 3 naps that day.

I also thought that not taking my night time medication wasn't a big deal either....wrong again.  I have learned my lesson.  Until I have this sleep disorder under control, I am NEVER going to forget my medication again.

My medication is not there to make me feel a bit better, it's not there because I just love the high it gives me.  It doesn't give me a high at all.  It makes it possible for me to get through the day without falling asleep on the couch, or God forbid, at the wheel.  It's not fun, I don't love it.  I think that certain people, who shall remain nameless, just don't understand that this is a medical condition, not just a little problem that I can deal with myself.  It's like having a broken leg, can I live with it, sure.  Will I be able to do normal things, no.

I was kind of secretive about the whole medication thing, I didn't want people to think that I am "on speed" because I want to be.  I also don't like the way some people react when I say I have to take medication to keep me awake during the day and another to put me to sleep at night.  Don't you think I'd rather be able to do those things all by myself?  The medication sucks, the side affects, the dry mouth.  It's not a fun time.

Even without the medication, which I hope to be off someday, I will probably always have to have the mouth appliance.  Yay.  My body is too stupid to wake up and stay up and then shut down and stay down for extended periods of time....you know, for 2 hours or so.  The upside of this whole thing is that someone finally understood that I was more than just tired.  That we have modern science to make sure I can live a productive life, and that this is not life threatening.  I really am thankful for all of that.

Before this, I was a cranky bitch!  I realized that the whole bitch part is kind of my personality, but I think I am way less cranky.  The kids don't agree, but what the heck do they know?  Maybe they just liked it when I was napping and they could do whatever they wanted.  Now that I am awake, I am all over them to do their chores and be active people.

I am up now, and I will get on with my day.  I will try harder to get more sleep.  Can someone please tell my husband that I need more sleep?  He doesn't seem to listen to me.  We have a PVR, record your damn shows honey!

PS...did I mention that I love him even though he drives me crazy?  Just thought I should mention that!

Time to run inside!

The plan this morning was to prepare myself for a quick, cold, 2km run.  I put on 3 shirts, a hat, some tights and my track pants, but I forgot gloves.  I doesn't matter though, because I think the chances of me running outside again this year are just about done.  I may get one or two more in, but that's about it.     I think it's time to go back to running inside on the track.

I did remember my Micoach, and instead of doing a quick 2km, I did 3!  I was quite pleased with myself.  I have an issue with knowing the distance of anything, a foot, a kilometre, a yard.  I know the distance that they stand for, but I just don't get how it applies to actual space.  It's just not where my talents lie.  But that's ok, 3km instead of 2 is just fine by me!

Soccer is in full swing, well for everyone except me!  I did get to play in a tournament 2 weeks ago, but I don't play again for another week.  Funny story, the tournament I played in was for Premier, which is above where I play in Classics 1.  I never would have played had I known that.  But I didn't, and I did play, and it was worth every painful step.  I played fairly well after the first half of the first game.  Indoor soccer is quick, I forgot that over the summer.  I even scored a goal!  It was awesome.  I can't wait for my season to start!

The kids are done their first 2 games already and have had some practices.  My son's team will probably do well, my daughter's team needs a lot of work, but that's what practice is for!  At least the girls seem to get along well and don't get down when they lose a game.  I've got to really work hard on my coaching skills for them this season.

So after my little mental break, things have been gong well.  I am super busy, but what else is new.  The last 2 weeks were probably the worst and I feel like I am moving into a nice, less chaotic pace.  Don't tell anyone, but I have today and tomorrow free of all appointments.  I am not going to clean the house because I actually got that done on the weekend, and I can concentrate on my list of what needs to be done.  Without my lists, I'd be lost!

I really do like to be busy, it makes relaxing feel so much more indulgent!  Last night, the kids had a game and a practice, we got home at 8:30, kids to bed by 9:15 and my husband had a game at 10pm.  That meant that I had a few hours of alone time in my own home!  It was awesome, I watched tv and had secret ice cream....kind of a lot of it!  Luckily, I was still down a pound this morning!  Sometimes I think the body just needs ice cream to help the weight loss along.  Yes, that is a real theory of mine, and I stick by it!  I ate like crap the last 2 weeks and put 4 pounds back on, but I am down 3 again because I have been eating like a normal healthy person.

I am also in very stiff competition with my husband.  I have never weighed less than him our whole relationship, until just a few weeks ago.  The bugger is 3 pounds less than me right now though, but I will get him.  Even if I have to sabotage him!!  No, I am not better than that.  I am going to win this one!

Note to self, blog more, because I just end up rambling when I don't do it enough.  I must go work on my Halloween outfit, and take a shower, and make some lists.  This is nice, no pressure today!

Stress - Sleep = mild mental breakdown

I've had a few busy days, I'm in the middle of a soccer tournament during the week and the games are really late at night.  I have a game every night, with the exception of last night, I couldn't play because I had a meeting for the school.  On top of that, things are busy as usual, I don't have my own car because I sold mine and my new car isn't in yet - but I have to get all the paperwork ready for the new car.  I was just voted in as School Council chair and have lots to do for that, a handful of appointments, and I recently came off my anti depressants.

Last night I went to my meeting, the things I asked my husband to do didn't get all done, so I had to deal with that this morning.....and then I got a text from my Mom that my Dad went in for surgery....surgery that goes really close to his brain.  That just put me right over the edge.  I yelled at the kids, barely got them to school on time and then lost it on the playground.  My sweet friend Robin was trying to be nice, but hugging me just makes my cry more.  So I spent about 2 hours this morning crying.  I cried at the Chiropractor's office, in the car, at Winners.  I finally stopped crying just before lunch, but by then I had a massive headache that I just can't shake.

I took the day of from life, and as expected, it has caught up with me, already!  I need to get the laundry out of the baskets at least, I set up the insurance for the car, I haven't made supper and just thinking about food makes me want to barf.  I should really do the dishes, but I just don't want to.  I have to get rid of this headache before my 10pm game tonight!

So what am I doing now?  Avoiding all of it of course!  The good news is that I am aware of why I am upset, I know it will pass and if I could just get rid of the headache, I think I could be ok.  My doctor told me there'd be days like this.....

OK - off I go.  I will just remind myself that I am fine, everything is fine.  Don't worry, I am not having a full mental break, just a really small one.  I'm ok, I swear.  I sent a really mad text to my husband this morning and by the time I actually talked to him on the phone, I had forgotten most of what I was mad about!  My life is great, I am allowed to have a break down now and again.  Ok, I'm really going to go do stuff now!

Updates...

I went to the hypnotherapist and it changed my life, true story!  More on that later.

I've lost 20 pounds!!!  Actually it's closer to 25, but I didn't want to tell the doctor that I had gained weight since he weighed me last and I am going from that number.

My phone died and luckily my (wonderful, amazing) husband was able to get it back up and running, again.  Remember when I dropped it in my pedicure water??  Yeah, he fixed it back then too.  And all I do is yell at him for fixing it without having a ton of sympathy for me while he works on it.  Aren't I an awesome wife!  I did lose all of my contacts and my calendar.  I feel a little lost without knowing all the things I am sure I have forgotten.  I did remember my hair appointment that is in 15 minutes.  I couldn't forget that if I tried!  In 2 hours I will be back to good hair and I can stop crying about how bad my hair looks.

I kind of sold my car, they are picking it up today, which leaves me without a car.  Guess I'll be walking for a week!  Andre did say he'd let me take his car and he'll borrow a company truck - at least for the weekend, but after that, we either have to rent a car or borrow his parents car.  Kind of makes me feel like a teenager again, asking for the car!  Hopefully be next weekend I'll be driving my new car!  It's black and its going to be super shiny and sparkly!!! I can't wait!

Gotta go get my hair done!!!

Happy Anniversary to my Husband and Me!

Yesterday marked my 15th wedding anniversary to my beloved husband.  I cannot believe we made it this far!  We have had some really difficult times, and they seemed to last a very long time.  I tell people 15 years married, 7 of them happily!

We are super happy now, and we have been for a few years now.  That wasn't luck, it didn't just happen, we worked our asses of to get a relationship that we both wanted.  We went through a lot of counselling, a lot of anger and tears, a few punches (don't worry, I couldn't hurt him if I tried) and a lot of throwing things.  We slowly and methodically rebuilt our marriage, and all that work that we have put in, really made the difference.  We no longer have to work quite as hard, but we make a point of working at it.  Everything worth anything takes work.

Looking back, 15 years went by really quickly.  I hardly seem old enough to have been married this long!  Things have changed so much over time though, and we have changed and become much different people.  It happens so quickly, that sometimes you don't notice time slipping away.  We try really hard to take stock of things so that we don't let things slide.

The funny thing is, this year we barely celebrated our anniversary.  I worked on cleaning the den all day, had a little lunch on my patio and he went to work as usual.  When he got home from work, we snuggled on the couch, chatted a bit and then he went to play soccer....big surprise!  We didn't exchange presents, just cards, and we didn't go out for supper or anything, nor do we have plans to do so.  And yet, this was the best anniversary we've had - because we are happy.  And that's all that matters.  I love him, he makes me happy and he says that I do the same for him.

I have a husband that I love, I love him more now than the first day I married him.  I am happy and content, excited for our future, and comfortable all at the same time.  I look forward to spending the rest of my life with him.  What more could I ask for?

Back to School!

Wow - I didn't mean to take such a long break from writing!

So we are in week 3 of back to school.  I took the whole first week off for myself and did some shopping!  My present to me for surviving the summer (and for not having a minute of alone time for 2 months) was a new purse.  Trust me, it was needed.  The old one had it's insides showing!  So I got a new purse that I love, it's very colorful, and maybe a bit on the too big size.  I keep losing stuff in there. I also got 2 new pairs of jeans as all my other pants were too big!  Yay me.

After that, I just puttered around in the stores being by myself, looking at fun stuff, and enjoying the silence.

Last week went by in a haze, I'm not sure what happened other than I had my 2 last soccer games.  I pulled my hamstring in the first one, so I played net for the second half - luckily we won the game.  The 2nd game, I played net for the whole game and only let in one goal.  Unfortunately we didn't even score one, so our perfect season was totally tarnished!  We still won first place in our division, so it's back up a level next season in outdoor.  I actually think we will do just fine.

We did get the fence between our house and the neighbors done, the house is pretty clean, the laundry is almost done and I feel like I am starting to catch up on things.

This week will be a blur of organizing, purging crap that we don't need - I've already done my and my daughter's closets.  I've got school council meetings, a hypnotherapy appointment (more on that later) and my 15th wedding anniversary on Thursday!!!!!  15 years!!!  I look way too young for that to be true!  he he

The kids are thrilled with their classes and teacher's, I am happy to have my alone time back and I am feeling so positive and motivated right now.  I feel like I've got so much stuff to do, and I am actually looking forward to doing it.

Yes, September is always a fresh start for me!

The Killing of the Mice - the continuing Saga

We've had a bit of a mouse problem, as you've seen if you've read my blog before.  I put some traps out the other day and they all got set off by something, but no mice.  Today however, I came home from the beach, I just set the traps new yesterday, and one of the traps was tripped and half under the deck.  I went to grab it to see if it had actually been set off by a mouse, and the damn thing was in there and STILL ALIVE!!!!  Oh the screaming!

I texted my husband, who had no sympathy by the way, and I bet he was laughing to himself.  He knows I hate those dirty creatures.  He used to dispose of them for me, but won't anymore.  (I'll have to bribe him or blackmail him with something to make him do it now.)

So I went out and checked the trap again to see if the mouse had died yet.  No....and cue the screaming.

I told my sweet, adorable 9 year old son, and he was desperate to see the filthy thing.  I showed him, and the mouse was kind enough to move, again, and make me scream, again.  I really had no idea what to do.  I suggested dropping a rock on its head, my son wanted to poke it with a stick.  Gross.  We decided to spray it with water and try and drown it.  I didn't want too much trauma, so I sprayed it with shower.  Yes, thank goodness, now it was clean....and very much still alive.  My son decided that he was going to take over and spray it with jet.  I am proud to say that my son killed his first mouse today. Well, I think it's dead.  I am going to leave it out there for a while and check it later.  Maybe let my son spray it a bit more just in case.  I will definitely wait for my husband to dispose of it.  I might have to cry about it, but it'll be worth it to get him to get rid of it.

Are these disgusting creatures ever going to leave me alone???  I hate them!  They are gross and carry diseases and will one day try to get in my house!  I can't have that.  If that happens I will be very tempted to move, or burn the house down.  It just makes me feel like I need to wash my hands to look at those repulsive things.  I have nightmares about the offending rodents.

Right now I have poison, snap traps and glue traps in the yard, mostly up against the house and along the deck.  I hope they all die and never bother me again.  I know that won't ever happen, so if you have any other good ideas to get rid of the feculent varmints, please, do let me know!!

Adventure Getaway

This week my sister and I took our 4 kids to Revelstoke for our annual adventure getaway.

On Monday we went rafting with Apex rafting and had a blast!  Our guide, Corey, was awesome, full of jokes and personality.  We had great rapids and a lot of fun.  At one point, we missed the right path and ended up on the rocks in the middle of the river.  We ALL had to get out, take the boat off the rocks, move it to a spot that was safe to relaunch and get back into the boat.  It was a bit scary.  I had the kids all hold onto a branch in the river, I held onto that as well as we maneuvered the kids and the rest of us back to the boat.  They were all troopers, no one freaked out, and when we got back to the boat, they were all impressed that we had a little extra adventure on top of the adventure.  They all felt like we had saved ourselves.  A little bit further down the river, one boat got stuck on a huge rock, we bumped them and that made them get off the rock.  So as we floated away, they could hear my nephew yell - "We just saved your lives!"

The raft trip was so much fun!  The water was freezing, but I hopped in for a swim anyway.  The kids all did it last year and I figured I should try it. (None of the kids swam this year as they knew it was ice cold) So I hop in the water and just about passed out it was so cold!  Corey let me stay in for a minute and then dragged me back into the boat - that part was hilarious.  It's a weird position to be in - he yanks you up by your life vest and it just feels weird.  My sister and another Mom that was with us both took a swim too - the second they got in the water, they both said "what were we thinking!".  They had a laugh over that.

The next day we went to Sky Trek - just beside the enchanted forest.   This was our 3rd time, with the exception of my son, who was only allowed to go last year for the first time.  He was first on the course, followed by me, my 2 nephews, my daughter and my sister took the end.  We got through the first 2 courses very easily.  Once we got to the end of the second, my son had been waiting for us for 20 minutes on the third - he is so quick!  I let my 12 year old nephew go in front of me, and he and my son we off like lightning!  They both finished the course!  I got to double black and just about wet myself a few times.  One challenge was to step onto a wire and swing to the next one...and there were about 10 of those!  It was so scary, but I just decided I was going to do it.  After that, nothing seemed so bad.  I did have to climb across a web that was about 50 feet long.  It wasn't bad, but my gear kept getting stuck, so I am covered in bruises from keeping myself on the net and unsticking my gear over and over again.

I wish I could do these "adventure" things more often.  Last year on the big zip line, I hit the end hard and couldn't get myself back up.  I had to be assisted to the platform.  This year I had no trouble at all!  I have lost weight, but I have also been working on my upper body strength, so I was able to pull myself up when I had to.  These kinds of activities are just so fun and they get my adrenaline pumping! I just feel so strong and capable after our adventures!

I am going to have to find stuff like that in Calgary and just go do it more often.  It's good for my body and good for my self esteem too!  I sometimes wonder if I am going to turn out to be an adrenaline junkie!

198!!!

Yup - 198 this morning on the scale.  May I just say that I am amazing!

All that portion control....even at DQ...and the exercise is really paying off!  I've also decided to play up a few games in soccer, so I have 3 this week.  It'll hurt, but it will be worth it!

I bought new jeans the other day and I am the same size I was in high school, which is weird because I am quite a bit heavier now.  I guess I am just muscle bound now and back then I was soft.  I was never into sports or anything that was physically demanding, but now, I love all of that stuff!  It makes me feel so strong and powerful.  I actually need to go out and get exercise, like a food craving, only better for me!

Next week my sister and I are off on our annual adventure get away - the Sky Trek and white water rafting.  The kids are going with us, and they love this stuff too.  It's a good thing, otherwise I'd still go and leave them at home.  I get such an adrenaline rush off that stuff.  Just like I do when I run, score a goal or lift weights.  At least I am addicted to something that is good for me!

My son is amazing

Last night I had a soccer game and so did my husband, so our son stayed with me and our daughter went to my husband's game.  We didn't have a lines person for my game, so my son offered to do it.

He set up all the flags at the beginning, took them all down at the end and did lines for the whole game.  He is very good at this, he likes the rules and is very sure of the rules in soccer.  Part of being lines person is getting paid $2 by each player that shows up.  If we have someone to do lines, it means that we don't have to do it, and we pay the person because it's a pain in the ass for us to do it ourselves.

So he got $20 for doing the lines last night and was very excited about it.  Today, he and I went to Husky to fill up my daughter's new bikes tires.  Of course I left my change purse in my soccer bag, so I had to borrow a loonie from him to get air (yes, I had to pay for air!).  He brought his money so he could buy some candy at Husky while we were there.  He gave me the loonie and I told him I'd pay him back at home.

We got home and I gave him his loonie back.  He told me to keep it.  I said no, you earned it, you keep it.  To that he shrugged and left the laundry room.  10 minutes later, I was on the computer and he came in the den to give me the loonie back.  He decided that I already do so much for him that I deserved the loonie!  He said that I gave birth to him, clean for him, make him food and I don't need to do anything else for him as I already do too much (his words, I swear!).

He actually had tears in his eyes because I think he finally understood what it means to be appreciated and he wanted me to know that he appreciates me.  What an amazing kid I told him he was.  He said that he was amazing because he had such a good mother.  And this is just another example of why I love my kids so much!!

I think I'll be keeping that loonie forever!

Weight loss Goal 1 - achieved!!!!!!!!

I do not like to talk about my weight, and it's not for reasons that most people might think.   My weight does not define me - it doesn't matter what I weigh (within reason of course!) I love me just the way I am.  Of course I think about my weight and I worry about my weight, but more from a health stand point.  I also would like to weigh less simply because extra weight drags me down when I run.

I don't normally tell people my number.....mostly because it's no one's business but mine, and because most people lie about their weight, I weigh more than I might look.  So here goes.....for the first time in over 16 years, I weigh under 200 pounds.  Please don't ask me what that is in Kg, I don't get Kg and I go by the Lbs on my scale and in my mind.  I am officially 199 pounds!!!!!!!

You can't imagine what I felt like when I saw that one the scale.  Especially (as one friend mentioned) because I just got back from a 3 week European holiday where I ate Gelato pretty much every day, some days twice a day and at least 3 times a day one day!  It was YUMMY!

But I have realized, (thanks to many things, including my sister who once asked me if I needed a whole meal or just the half order.  Thanks a lot Tricia..and I am not saying that in the nice way, but it ended up ok, so I forgive you!) that I don't need nearly as much food as I once thought.  Oh I'm so hungry, I need a full portion, appetizers, dessert!  When we are in Europe, we usually share a meal with a kid.  So I get one meal to share and my husband gets one meal to share.  If we are still hungry we get gelato.  Or we just get gelato anyway.  But after 3 weeks of shared meals, the fact that I have been watching my portions over the last few months, and the fact that I think my stomach finally shrunk, I no longer can eat the way I used to, and I don't try to.

I exercise my ass off and I eat really healthy, but my portion sizes were out of control.  So now that I have that under control, and I mean that I just know that I am full after about half of what I used to eat, I seem to be losing weight almost effortlessly.  I guess the fact that I like to eat healthy and it's just normal, the fact that I exercise all the time - soccer, running - and that's just something that I do, I don't have to work at it, the weight is coming off because I am doing what I need to do and it doesn't take any special planning.  This is just my life.  The whole "lifestyle change" is not a joke.  You change how you just do things, and you'd be surprised at what will happen.

When we were in Europe we walked all the time, we also ran around a lot like fools, played like crazy in the water and found time for soccer practice almost every day.  That's just life, and I love it!  Once the kids go back to school, I will go back to my regimented running routine, not because I have to, but because I love it!  I love running, I love being in my own world, with my ipod and just running.  It's not work so much as it's something I love and something that makes my body feel great!

Anyway, I think I might be babbling now.  I'm just so excited that I reached my first goal and it just happened - without any heavy dieting or crazy things to help.  I am so freaking proud of myself and it just makes me want to work harder.  For example, I played soccer last night with a team that needed call ups and I play tonight with my own team.  I totally get why my husband is a soccer whore, I think I will be one soon too!  I also made my kids start their running routine yesterday.  They were so happy to do it too!  We are going out again tomorrow and they can't wait.  They both want to increase their endurance!  I love it.  I LOVE my crazy, full of exercise life!

I think I will have a glass of wine one of these nights to celebrate my 199!  Here's to me and to the 198 that will be next!!!

Europe 2012

I just got back from our European vacation on Tuesday.  Yesterday I woke up vomiting and sweating - I was not well at all.  I was really hoping that I didn't come home with another bacterial infection, and the good news is, I seem to be fine today.  I have a soccer game later today that I am unsure about playing because I am still really tired, I hurt my big toe on a water slide the other day and I have a finger that was almost cut off 2 weeks ago.  I am thinking I will go and just tape the crap out of all my broken parts!

Europe was amazing!  We flew from  Calgary to Frankfurt, Frankfurt to Munich and then got a car in Munich.  We stayed in Germany the first night, then stayed in a place in Hungary the second.  After that, we stayed 8 days in a lake resort in Hungary, Keszthely off Lake Balaton, off to Budapest for 3 nights, then we drove from Budapest through Croatia, had lunch there, did a little shopping and checked out the water.  From there we drove through Slovenia and into Italy.  We stayed 4 nights in an Italian town called Gradisca d'Isonza, and went to the beach a few days in Grado, and went one day to Venice by train.  Then we were off back to Munich.  We stayed 2 nights outside Munich in a village called Etting, and then flew from Munich to London and then London back to Calgary.

It was a bit much, and I think we have decided that the packing up and moving every few days is no longer what we want to do.  I think we may pick a home base next time for a least a week at a time and just travel from there.

The kids did really good this year, there was no car sickness or a whole lot of whining from the backseat.  They were really ready to come home at the end though.  Mostly the 13 year old, but she did really well considering.  My son had a few glitches, a reaction to his amoxocillin on the 2nd day of our trip and we had to take him to the doctor in Hungary at 6am.  Then he got a burn.  But we got through it and we just have fond memories now!

I will be back to break the whole trip down and tell you all about the fun stuff we did including almost cutting my finger off, breaking into a professional soccer stadium in Italy and all the other crazy things we get up to.  In the next coming months, I will probably start to receive a bunch of speeding tickets from Austria and not having a highway pass for Slovenia that I will laugh about, and you'll get to hear all about that too.  The fun never ends!

Now I think I might keep going on the laundry, that will take a few days, and start weeding, that will also take a few days!!

(I am also going to rate my hotels on Tripadvisor, if you are interested in any European hotels.)

Why I had kids

I've always known, from a young age, that I wanted children.  I knew I wanted them, but I could never really put into words as to why I did.

I always thought of why do other people have kids?  Some have kids because they think it will be fun, that they'll have a little person that loves them, a little sidekick.  Now we all know how judgmental I can be about people and their children, but I really don't think that many people really think about why they have kids, they just have them because it's the next stage in life.  Not all people feel that way, and I  think that the people who know that they don't want children, they think it through and don't have them for a reason.  I would never begrudge anyone that doesn't have or want kids - it's their choice.  But those people who have kids and then ignore them, abuse them, treat them like crap, or just don't really care about them - those are the people I judge.

Kids aren't easy.  A lot of the time, they are not fun, they are hard work, they yell and cry, poop their pants, always want stuff, your time, your money, your attention.  So why on earth do people think that is going to easy.  Any parent that says parenting is easy, they are doing it wrong!

That brings me to my point.  I finally realized why I wanted kids.  I always wanted someone that I could love and I could tell the whole world that I loved them.  It's like when you have a crush on a boy when you are a teenager - and you want to tell the whole world and the boy, but you just can't.  Or when you fall in love and you want to tell the person, but you hold back out of fear, just in case he doesn't love you back.  I can tell the whole world that I love my kids!  I can scream it from the mountain tops, I can talk about how much I love them all the time and I have no fear of saying it.  I don't have to worry if they love me back.  Even if they didn't at the moment, they would have before or will again at some point, and that doesn't change how I feel about them.  I love them so much it hurts sometimes.  I kiss them so much that they complain.  I hold them and look at them, amazed that they exist.  I love to talk to them and know all about them.  I love to hang out with them, snuggle them, and just be near them.

I LOVE MY KIDS!!!!!!  I have so much love for them, I have to tell people or I will explode!  I love them and that's it.  They will (most likely) never break my heart, they will never really go away even if they move away.  They will always be in my life and I will get to be with them forever.  They are everything to me.  They are the reason I exist, my meaning in life.  It's an amazing thing the love I have for them.  And that will never, ever, go away.  Now I must go kiss them because just thinking about them makes me cry tears of happiness.

ps - my spell check isn't working.  If I have spelled things wrong, its because I can't spell!

Cyber Bullying

I've just had my first encounter with cyber bullying with my daughter.  Normally I think Cyber bullying isn't that big of a deal, but I realized, just now, that it kind of is.  I thought, ok, close your account, change your email or just don't respond.  But when people post stuff on boards on things like Facebook - it is out there, and you can't take it back.  You can reply, you can defend yourself, but it will always be there for you to see, for the whole world to see.

I am so mad right now that I am literally shaking.  I don't know if I should stick my head into it, but I guess it's too late, because I already did.  You know when you were little and your Mom or Dad stuck their nose into stuff like that, they embarrassed the hell out of you and sometimes made it worse.  Well I wrote some stuff on my daughter's page, with her sitting beside me, and I didn't hit the enter key, she did.  I hope I didn't make it worse, but if I ever see the kid that said these things, you will have to hold me back from strangling him.  I don't care if it was a "joke", that kind of stuff isn't funny.  Kids like that are such a$$holes, I'd like to have a talk with their parents and see if they know what their kid is up to, and if they even care.

I am not overprotective, I think, but I do watch what my kids do. I see them at school, I know their friends.  If they do something that I think is not ok, I will hear about it.  I CARE about my kids and what they do.  What kind of impression they are making on the world and don't think that I won't kick their a$$es if they are not acting appropriately.

This goes back (AGAIN) to the parents.  Where the hell are they?  Do they even care about the offspring that they let lose into the world?  Well I do, my kids will grow up to be responsible, intelligent, kind, caring, polite, helpful adults that will make the world a better place no matter what they do.  I love my kids and refuse to raise a bunch of (pardon my french) little assholes.

Those other parents, well, have fun visiting your kids in jail.

Hiatus....ish

I am not going on hiatus, but I just know that I am going to be blogging less over the next few weeks, to all summer!  Hopefully it will be a nice hot summer and I will be busy outside in my garden, at the beach, anywhere outside.  I am not just up and leaving, but I am going to be so busy and I don't want to just leave the blog hanging.

I have a small bit of updates, I hit just over 20km/hr last night in a sprint at my game!  I was so happy to see that!  Next goal is 22km/hr.  I don't know if I will ever get to 32km/hr like my husband, but I'll keep trying!  AND, I have officially lost 19 pounds!!!  I know it's not 20 and that's when people usually celebrate, but that will be next, and I'll celebrate that one hugely!

Right now I feel a bit pukey and I'm not sure why.  I think I'll take a gravol and go about my business.  It's a day off...which means I have to run errands.  But tonight is a real night off, which means I will do laundry, but I can do it in my jammies and not have to leave the house.  I was out in the rain for 3 hours last night at my daughter's game (1-1 tie, yay her) and my game - (1-0 for us.  Yes, we rock).  I played like crap, but it happens.  At least I ran fast and didn't fall down.  It's the little things that makes me happy!

If you miss me while I am on hiatus..ish, go outside and think of me!

I'm getting my own office!!

The school has finally decided that it is time for me to get my own office!  I have been at the school so much lately, 3 full days last week, 2 days this week.  When will the madness end?  Oh, yeah...June 28.  The school has not yet offered to pay me but I do get my own space.  Ok, maybe not a "space", but an area where the kids know that I will be, and the teachers too, for when they need me.  Maybe area is too grand of a word.....essentially I am getting a corner...... in the hallway......where I can just stand until I am needed.  I can just stand there, face to the wall, reading my emails from all the teachers that need my assistance.

Never mind, it's not that good of an offer.  I will refuse the hallway corner and just do my own thing until they call, text, email me, or hunt me down in person to do what they need.

I have to admit, I have done some pretty cool things this year with the school.  I got to go to Science school for a week with the Grade 3's, a fancy French restaurant with the Grade 7's, I chaperoned a concert and a play, planted flowers and pulled weeds, made clay, took pictures and a whole bunch of other things.  That was just the last 2 months, all the other things I have done the rest of the year has been placed some where in my brain that I don't have access to right now.

I am not complaining, I do love to be at the school, with my kids and their friends.  They all STILL think I am cool too!  Take that dummies from my high school!  I am totally cool now!  Side story - I was at my husband's soccer game a few weeks ago and he found me after the game surrounded by a bunch of 7-12 year old boys.  They thought I was cool too!  They all wanted to talk to me, I felt like a celebrity!

I guess now that I am all grown up, coolness takes on a whole new meaning.  I do get to lecture all the kids that come my way.  I spoke to a whole bunch of the Grade 7's about dating and how unnecessary it is.  One of the Grade 7 boys is a big fan of mine, ok more than one, but this one in particular makes my daughter jealous because he'll talk to me and not her!  It's not my fault!  I command attention!

In this rare minute of calm before the next shit storm happens, I can sit back and be happy about my new found coolness and relish in the fact that finally, finally, the junior high boys like me!

I have found my place in life

I think I always kind of knew this, but over the last few years, I have really begun to accept that my place in life, is exactly where I am right now.

I don't need to be working, I don't need to be doing anything that I am not already doing or not wanting to do.  My place is at home with my kids, where ever my husband needs me, at the school with my kids and other kids, on the soccer field with my team, on the soccer field with my daughter's team, running, being around for my sister and her family, and being with my friends.

I sometimes thought that I needed a better purpose in life, but what better purpose than the one that puts me in a place where I can affect so many people in such a good way?  What would a job give me?  Nothing that I need.  I get plenty of socialization, I don't need the money - what my husband makes is just enough to keep us where we are, and I don't need more that than.  A sense of worth?  I've got that too.  I volunteer so much time at the school and with soccer, I have a huge sense of worth.  I feel it every time a kid waves at me at school, I feel it every time one of those kids knows my name and asks me for help, or just talks to me. I feel it every time a kid gets hurt on the field and I am there to pick her up.

I am just so thankful to be where I am.  Some days aren't this great, and I think, is this all there is? Laundry, cooking, cleaning.  But then I remember what I do on the other days and I remember, my place is here.  I can help my friends, I can help the kids, and that makes me feel just great .

I was at a volunteer sign up post yesterday and out of the 400 people that showed up to the BBQ, I got 2 people to sign up and volunteer.  I wasn't surprised, but I was still disappointed.  But then I thought to myself, that is why I am here.  That is where I make the difference.  A lot of those parents don't care what their kids are up to at school, but I do.  They don't know that their kid had a bad day, but I know, and I was there to try and make it better.

I can't save the world, but I can make a difference.  I made a tri fold for the event listing what needs to be done, and why it is important.  It hit me, that's what I want to do.  It's not just a thing to do right now while I'm not working, it's what I always want to do.  I want to be that Mom that everyone knows and talks to.  I want to be that Mom that bandages someone else's child's knee.  I want to be that Mom that hands out hugs to anyone that needs one.  I want to be that Mom that my own kid thinks is amazing.  It's what I am good at.

Gandhi once said, "The best way to find yourself, is to lose yourself in the service of others." 


That's my plan - and I have found out so much about myself, and I'll always be glad that I am able to do exactly what I am doing.

Adidas miCoach

I have a new obsession.  My husband bought an Adidas miCoach maybe 2 months ago - it's a tracking device that fits in his soccer cleats and tracks his movements.  It shows you how far you've run, how fast, how many calories you've burned and what percentage was a jog, run or walk.  It's a pretty amazing little gizmo.  Leo Messi from FC Barcelona also wears one - and my husband is obsessed with him and his team.

Last week my husband convinced me to get my own, so I did.  I've been running toward a goal at the gym, I got myself able to run just 1 lap, all the way to 25!  I decided that after I hit 25, I'd work on my speed.  I have to have goals otherwise I am just running in circles.  I achieved my first goal of 25 laps last week and I was elated!  Who knew I could run that much!  At the gym, the track tells you how many laps = how many km.  According to that, I assumed I was running 3.2 km at at time.  I tried my miCoach for the first time this week, ran my 25 laps and when I got home, I discovered that I had run over 4km!!!  Amazing!

My sweet little husband decided that he wanted me to be able to wear it while I play soccer.  His cleats have a slot for his miCoach because he bought the ones that are compatible, mine weren't.  So he dug a little hole in my insole and sized it for the miCoach.  I played on Saturday, came home and synced the miCoach to find that I had run 7km in the game!  I was so excited!!!  Me, running 7km!!  This from the girl who used to not be able run even if someone were chasing her!

That's not me anymore, obviously, but the changes I've made over the last few years amaze me and I am just so proud of myself.  Not only have I accomplished a lot, I have PROOF!  So if anyone says I should lose weight, I have the proof that I am trying.  If another doctor says that I need to change my lifestyle before he even knows me, I can show him my stats and shove them in his face.  Ok, I got a little excited there.  But I could slap those people that say stuff like that to me.  Not only can I challenge them and threaten to kick their ass, I really can kick their ass!  Take that stupid people!

Back to the miCoach - it is an addictive little tool.  Every time I wear it, I am always thinking about it and how much more can I run, how fast can I run?  By the way - at the gym I clocked myself at just over 15km/hr and at my game, I hit 18.68km/hr!!!  Now all I can think about it beating that!  Myself and I have a really heavy competition on now!  It's really exciting to see what my body can do, and then see how I can beat my own times.

I have to take a day off today - I ran 3 days straight and my feet are killing me.  But tomorrow, I'd better watch out, I am going to kick my own ass again!

Why do women compare themselves to models in magazines?

I am not gorgeous, I am not thin or beautiful, I do not have long legs, long hair or a flat stomach.

I have a (very) curvy body, (fat) muscular calves that have a hard time finding shin pads to fit.  I have a big butt that I am proud of, I am attractive, I have a belly that held 2 children, and some days it looks like one is still in there.  I have wiggly arms, wiggly inner thighs and yet, when I look in the mirror, I see a lovely woman.

I am kind and loving, loyal, determined, I work my ass off at the gym, I run my ass off on the soccer field.  I have a husband who adores me and 2 amazing kids that think I am the best Mom in the world.

Those models in the magazines should be comparing themselves to me, and maybe they do.  What do they have?  Yes they are beautiful, but remember, they are people too.  Beauty is their job - does it make them happy?  Maybe yes, maybe no.  They get pimples, they have bad days, they have hard times in relationships.

Those models that you compare yourself to - they are judged every single day about how they look.  I don't have to worry about that.  Those models have to watch what they eat, worry if they get a pimple, worry if they gain weight, worry about the next model that is just waiting to take their place.  I am not envious of them, that can't be easy.

My life - there's no one that can take my place - my kids and husband will attest to that.  I don't care if I gain 5 pounds, I'd rather lose 5, but it won't affect my life either way.  I get pimples, I have bad hair days, and I just laugh along with the people like me who make fun of me for it.

You can't compare yourself to anyone else.  Take the time to see what you have to offer, what your great qualities are.  Tell yourself that you are beautiful and wonderful until YOU believe it.  Make the decision to have good self esteem, and remind yourself to work on it.  I say, fake it til you make it!  That's what I did.

I went a little overboard and I am a tad bit egotistical.  But that's ok - I'm awesome.  I just wish I could make the women of the world understand that they are wonderful just the way they are.  The men too.  Stop comparing yourself to other people and work on yourself.  I have nothing that other people don't have - except the knowledge that I am great, just the way I am.  Take a page from the "Book of Pam" and love yourself - that is always the first step.

As a side note, I played my first game of outdoor soccer for the season last night.  I was sooo nervous, but I did great.  We won, but best of all, I felt great just being there.  Do something for you - you're worth it. (that sounds cheesy as I read it, but it's true, and I can be cheesy if I want to be!)

Why does it surprise me when my kids surprise me?

Yesterday was a very long day.  My son had a soccer game that he and my husband went to, my daughter and I were going to watch a bit before we had to leave for her game.  My daughter's coach called and said that he was sick - could I fill in for him?  Being the assistant coach and really wanting to coach, I said yes.  We had to skip my son's game, we picked up the soccer balls from the coach's house, ran up to the field, which turned out to be the wrong field and got over to the right field just a few minutes before game time.

I am going to skip over the game for now and get on with the rest of the day.  My husband showed up for my daughter's game, after the game, he took the kids home so he could go to practice and I left after the game to get to my practice.  After my practice, I had a party to go to, showed up all gross and sweaty, hung out for an hour and left to get the family some Chinese food.  I got home, we watched "The boy in the Striped Pyjamas" and held my daughter on the couch as she cried her eyes out over the movie.  She was horrified by it and understood way too much of what happened.  We have told her all about that time of war, so she knew, but that movie just made it very real.  I could go on about that, but it makes me cry and I have a different story to tell.

Back to my daughter's game.  Her team is new, they haven't had much time together and they have tied one game and lost 2.  We have a girl that plays in net, but only for half the game.  Another girl volunteered once and was then on deemed the back up goalie, even though she didn't want to be.  The other day, my daughter decided, she was going to be in net for yesterday's game.  I asked if she was sure, and she was adamant.  She's never had a desire to be goalie, so I was a bit surprised.  The big shock of the day - she was AMAZING!!!  Man that kid can kick a ball!  She made at least 15 saves, she did let in 3 goals, but as it was her first time ever in net, I let that slide.  She dove for the ball, she challenged and she can kick to ball to the centre line every time!  The first time she did a goal kick, everyone on our team, who was on the sideline, including the other assistant coach, their jaws dropped.  The assistant coach exclaimed, she's got a kick on her.  Yes, yes she does.

My daughter, who has had a full half hour of goalie training, is now the goalie extraordinaire!  I really wouldn't have believed it if I had not seen it with my own eyes.  It's not that I didn't think she could do it, I just didn't think she wanted to.  These kids, they surprise me like that all the time.  I am very biased, we all know that I think my kids are amazing, but even I was blown away at how amazing they can be.  Why does it surprise me that I am surprised?  I should just expect that they will shock me like that from time to time, but I have no idea when they are going to do it.  I made some pretty amazing kids!

I guess that this is my Mother's day post, and how fitting.  I am so thankful that I have been blessed with such wonderful children.  It is my honour to be their Mother, and they make me proud every where they go.  They make me look like the best Mother in the world!

Happy Mother's Day!

2 in one day!

I was out all day delivering brochures for my soccer team to schools in the SW area of Calgary.  It was a lot of in and out of the car, and lots of counting!  It wasn't that bad though, I got to listen to music all day, saw some new places in the city and was very thankful that my kids go to such a great school.  Some of the schools I saw were nice, some were not, and some, the staff were a bit crabby.  Not to say that our school is the best - but we do love it.

I also had a lot of time to think today.  I like to volunteer my time and I realized one of the reason's why.  I really like that feeling that I belong to something, a family, a group of friends, a soccer team.  It makes me feel like I am part of something that is bigger than I am.  It makes me feels useful, needed and wanted.  That's a great feeling.  

I didn't always have that feeling growing up, I always felt like I was just on the outside of a lot of things.  Now I have my beautiful little family whom I adore, a great group of friends and a soccer team that I really enjoy spending time with.  I feel like I found my place in the world.  Volunteering for my soccer club and the school just shows me, and other people, that I belong.  I know that I am the only one that should matter, but after being on the outside for so long, it feels good to know that other's see me as belonging to something.  It's why I wear my soccer jacket every where I go and why I hang out at the school and know most of the kids names.  That is also why I hang out with people that feel the same way.  

It was a long day though.  This week went by really quickly, not like last week, and this day was quick and long all at the same time.  I am going to go put my feet up now and relax for a while.  I have earned it today!

I woke up refreshed this morning! I was shocked!

No is not in my vocabulary

I ended my last post with the notion that I would say no more often.  It didn't work.

I did say no to a lunch with a person that I used to know, but wasn't really friends with and don't really want to bring back into my life.  That was a good start.

Then I went on to say yes to 3 days of volunteering at the school, one full day of delivering for my soccer club, 4 appointments, being an assistant soccer coach for my daughter's team and one full day at home waiting for the gas meter people.  To defend myself, I did make a promise to help out with my soccer club, I love volunteering at the school and the appointments were really needed.  I also have to get my daughter to her games anyway, and I really like being able to have my say in things.

I don't feel bad or resentful for saying yes to these things, so that must mean that it's ok.  Sometimes I am saying yes to things that I really don't want to do, so that's an improvement at least.  I have an awesome reason now to say no - aka the sleep disorder - that gives me an excuse to say no to the things I really just don't want to do, I have a valid reason for saying no, and I don't feel bad about it.  I guess I just need to practice the art of saying no.

I also know that I am the type of person that NEEDS alone time.  As long as I am not overworking myself, going to the gym enough, not feeling run off my feet and getting enough alone time, I am good.  The second that alone time is being compromised, I feel really bitchy!  Then everything else feels like too much.

I have to admit that I have a pretty cushy life - I don't work, but I also just about had a nervous breakdown a few years ago and I need to make sure that I am taking care of myself so that doesn't happen again.  Yes it was extenuating circumstance, but throughout that whole ordeal, I (finally) realized that I don't deal with stress very well.  My family wants and needs me at home, so for now, that is where I sill stay and keep my life as stress free as possible.  AND I am not going to feel bad about that.

Ok, say no to things I don't want to do, keep saying yes to things I like and be low stress - I hope I can manage to do that.

It's been a long week

I have been running around like crazy since Monday morning, just waiting for this week to be over.  I've been busy every day, all day and it's really taking its toll on me.  I have a very rare afternoon off right now and I am not sure where to start from here.

Yesterday was brutal, I woke up exhausted, I took 2 pills in the morning and one in the afternoon, and I still needed a nap after school.  It doesn't help that I have been up late very night doing stuff that needs to be done, and I haven't been getting enough actual hours in bed, so probably not near enough sleep.  I am hoping to catch up this weekend, if anyone wakes me up before 8:30 or 9, I might just go postal!

All week I have been doing the things that I haven't been able to get around to for the last, I don't know, year?  The more I remember, the more I remember that I have forgotten!  I finally got blinds for the master bedroom ordered - it's a good thing too - the curtain rods are literally falling out of the walls!  I know, that's just sad and so very trashy!

I have been at the school a lot the last week, as usual, but it's gotten to the point that I am angry!  Not about being at the school, I love that.  I love being with the kids and seeing what they are doing.  What I am mad about is the other parents that are NEVER there!  Where the hell are they all?  I get it, so people work full time.  Oh wait, I used to too, and I still did the reading program at the school with my daughter. I know people are busy...oh wait...I'm busy too!  I may not have a job, but I have a lot of stuff to do.  Between taking care of the house and the kids, and the finances, I also volunteer a lot, I go to the gym, play soccer, drive to soccer, coach soccer, I help out my friends, I have tons of doctor appointments all the time, and .....wait for it.....I have a freaking sleep disorder so I am exhausted all the time!  So there really are no excuses for those deadbeat parents!

Some of those parents just can't be bothered to parent their kids at home, why the hell would they want to hang out with them and be a part of their school life.  And trust me, if you are an uninvolved parent, it shows.  Those are the kids in grade 3 that are using the F word (and unbelievable the C word) at school and saying them to grade 2 students.  Those are the kids that have crap in their lunch every day, those are the kids that are the bullies, the sluts, the ones with self esteem problems.  I don't blame the kids, I blame the useless parents.  I am NOT the perfect parent, far from it.  But I am involved and I am present.  And let's face it, my kids adore me, so I must be doing something right.

So you see, it's been a long week.  I am cranky, I am mad and ranting about things I can nothing about, and I am soooo tired.  I also look like hell this week - awesome.

There's my rant for today - no doubt you've seen this rant before, and I am sure you will see it again.  Other than this being a brutal week, things are still looking up.  I do feel like I am on the right track with the sleeping issues.  I had almost a full week of being awake, I am sure I can make that happen again.  I really liked it too - I did get a lot done!  Life is great, I can't complain, even though I do anyway!  I feel crappy right now, but I know it won't last.  I am still hopeful, happy and always learning and growing.  My next step?  Learning how to say NO!

What a difference a day makes

Today was unlike any day that I have experienced in a VERY long time.  I took my new pill yesterday afternoon and felt great for the rest of the day and night.  I took my sleeping pill last night and slept like a baby.  I got up - went outside in my jammies to let the annoying borrowed dog out - and took my anti-narcoleptic pill.  I then got on with my day, you won't believe what I got done!

I took the kids to school, took the annoying dog for a walk, went home, got ready, got the kids some lunches as I didn't make them last night ( I make lunches 99% of the time, but last night the lunch kits were dirty and I hate making school lunches, so I just didn't), and took the lunch to the kids.  I then went and loaded up on stuff for the garden, bought a new sweater and bathing suit, and a gift for a friend.  Then, I went to the mall, parked at one end, walked very quickly all the way to the other end to get my face wash and stuff that was on sale, added to the gift for my friend, got some t shirts, got some soap and at 2pm, finally sat down to eat lunch.

This is where it gets interesting!  I ordered a normal lunch, some veggies, chicken and noodles and I couldn't even eat half of it!  This has never happened before.  I am NOT kidding.  I almost always clean my plate, if I even remotely like the food, I will finish it.  Today I realized I was full halfway through and I couldn't even take one more bite.  It was really weird.  I'm not sure if the new pills suppress my appetite, I hope they do, but this could just be a fluke.  All I know is that I have never not finished a meal that I liked.  AND...I didn't even want dessert after.

I feel so good, it's amazing.  If this is what it feels like when I am awake, I want to feel like this everyday! It's almost funny that I am taking anti-narcoleptic pills.  Not that I have narcolepsy, or think having it is even remotely funny, but the things they call pills.  The doctor called them an alerting medication, I call them legal speed.  But like I said, I don't feel high or jittery, just awake.  I have been half asleep for so long, I just want to do things.  I want to be outside, I want to go for a walk, I want to talk to my kids, my husband and my friends.  I just don't feel the need to nap.  I am going on 2 days without a nap - I think it may be a record!

A diagnosis!

I was going to call this post "Legal Speed" but then I thought that might attract unwanted attention from ne'er do well's and possibly the police - so I decided against it.

I have been given a diagnosis of Sleep breathing disorder. As I have said a few weeks ago, this is what they thought I had, but now it is confirmed. I also have pathological day sleepiness. The good news in all this is that I will be fitted for a mouth piece that should take care of my problem - and I don't have to wear the dreaded sleep mask - and I have sleeping pills to last me until I get used to that device. The REALLY good news is that I was also prescribed an alerting medication! Otherwise known as legal speed!

I took my first pill this afternoon, right after lunch. I have to admit that I have a bit of a headache, but nothing I can't handle, and I only started yawning at 9pm. Before that I felt...what is the word for it....ah yes, AWAKE! Not high, not crazy energetic or anything, but awake! I felt so good after I saw the doctor that I immediately went to the gym and had a quick run, did some weights, got hit on by a 25 year old guy, and did 200 sit ups! I then went to get my pills, went home, ate lunch, showered and then took my first pill. I didn't need a nap, I didn't think about a nap, I didn't even barely sit down all evening, and it felt great!!! When I did sit down, I didn't get drowsy. When I started to yawn, I didn't feel like I was so desperate for sleep that I felt sick. It was great! I visited with a friend after school, I came home and made supper, I got my daughter back to the school for her band performance, stayed there for 2 hours, came home and walked my Mom's annoying dog, put the kids to bed and wrote this. All that without the desperation (and crankiness) of being sooo tired.

Now that I can be awake, just imagine what I can accomplish! I can clean the house, do errands, get through a day without wasting so much time on the couch sleeping or thinking about when I can get my next "fix"...aka nap. If I can get all that normal and boring stuff done, maybe I can even make some goals and achieve them! I don't want to get too ahead of myself, I know it's just the first day, but I don't waste so much time sleeping, I can actual get stuff done and want to get stuff done. It was such a huge relief getting this diagnosis.

I called my husband after and he was "oh, that's good", and I was annoyed that he didn't understand how HUGE this was for me! So I called my big sister and she yelled and congratulated me like I needed. I felt much better after getting that understanding reaction. Most people just don't know what it's like to be sleep deprived for so long. I thought I'd be ok once the kids started sleeping through the night, like I could get more sleep too. But sleep, good, restful sleep, eluded me for so long.

I feel so hopeful that I will be able to have a life again. I felt literally like a drug addict, and sleeping was my drug, but it never made me feel any better. Now, I am like a drug addict taking my pills to keep me awake and then ones to make me sleep, but I will do anything to get to that point where I have a mouth piece and that does it all for me. It was interesting seeing the results of the sleep study. I even saw the video of me, sleeping in bed and tossing and turning. You can see on the results page where I am asleep, where I gasp for breath, where I wake up - it's all in the brain waves. It's crazy.

This isn't the end of the road yet, I still have to be fitted for the mouth piece, and go back for adjustments. I still have to see the doctor to make sure it's working, and of course I have the pills for now. The diagnosis is the climax of this story and it's all conclusion from here.

Eat right, exercise, die anyway

I saw that on a bumper sticker after grocery shopping today. It made me laugh. I do spend a lot of time worrying about eating right and exercising.

I spend a lot of time actually exercising, but the eating right, I haven't got that down just yet. I eat all sorts of healthy stuff, but I just really like food. It's yummy! And the things that I love seem to be really bad for me. Don't get me wrong, I love salad and veggies, fruits and yogurts. But I really love ice cream...it calls my name when it's in the house. I also really love it when other people make me food, like restaurants.

I love going to a restaurant all by myself, with a book, and eat what I want to eat, and not have to worry about how long it will take to make and cleaning up after myself. I love my lunches alone. I find that being alone is so relaxing. I just read my book, and take as long as I want. I get to choose where I go, at what time, and stay as long as I want to. Eating with other people is always so noisy! They insist on talking while I'm eating! My husband and the kids are the worst! I know it sounds terribly antisocial, but I think I need more down time, or alone time than most people.

Back to the eating right and stuff. I do worry about all that, but I also know that life without pleasure is not worth living. I like to eat, so I do. I actually am one of those rare people (especially given my size) that love to exercise. It makes me feel good and powerful. Exercise is something that I can do to make myself healthier. I love to run and lifts weights, I love to swim, play soccer and push my body further and further. One day, hopefully not anytime soon, I will die. I will be happy that I was happy with myself, ate all that ice cream and worked my ass off at the gym and on the soccer field. I don't think I will regret anything. Maybe I will worry a little less and push myself just a little bit more. That'll even it all out.....right??