Telephonophobia

I have been looking up the fear of talking on the telephone, and it has a name.  Telephonophobia.  That's so much fun to say!  I do not have this affliction, I thought I might so I looked it up.  Telephonophobia is a reluctance or fear of making or taking phone calls, literally, "fear of telephone(thanks wikipedia).  It would seem that I do have that, but after a quick survey on whether I do or not, I answered too many questions as no, so maybe I just have a reluctance, not an actual phobia.  

Now why on earth am I talking about this?  I guess because it hit me the other day that I was putting off phone calls and actually feeling anxious about making them.  Honestly, I absolutely HATE talking on the phone.  I'm not sure why.  I don't care if I call people at a bad time, I don't worry about awkward pauses, those were some of the questions asked on the questionnaire, and now I can't find it, so I can't tell you what the other things were.  All I remember is that I only answered yes to 2 out of 10.

I can talk to people just fine in person, I can email and text people without issue, it's just the phone.  Sometimes I think that I will get stuck on the phone and won't be able to get off.(which is silly, I can just hang up on people. I don't, but I could.  I can't run away from people in person, I could, but then they might think I need to be institutionalized!) Sometimes talking is just too much effort and I just don't have it in me to be coherent.  I can talk to my husband on the phone without issue, but there have been times that I've told him that I need to get off the phone because I just don't want to talk on the phone anymore.  He loves to talk to me on the phone, it drives me crazy.  I can hardly hear him half the time, and the other half, he has people talking to him in the background or his radar detector is going off in his car.  He has bluetooth and I can hear everything in the car around him...horns honking, wind if the window is open, and sometimes just the static alone makes me want to reach through the phone and punch him.  Instead of doing that, I just make him let me go.  

I am absolutely sure that I don't have this phobia as I spoke on the phone all morning without issue.  I called a bunch of people about a fundraiser, spoke to 3 different people, one for at least a half hour.  I called to book a hotel room for a soccer tournament, I called 311 regarding some vehicles that have been parked on my street for MONTHS, and haven't moved once.  I even answered my cell phone when it rang with an unknown number.  It was a friend calling from her work number, but I didn't know that and answered anyway. I don't normally do that.  At home, when the phone rings, I make other people answer.  I don't answer any calls from 1-888, or 800 numbers, nothing that I think might be a telemarketer.  I will answer calls from RBC, but anything unknown or that I don't recognize, it's going to voicemail.  If it's important, they'll leave a message.  

That all being said, if you call me and I don't answer, its because I am not home, or I really just don't want to talk on the phone.  It's not you, it's me!  If I don't answer, leave a message.  If you don't, I won't call you back.  I'm serious!  (Unless you are my sister, I'll call her back. She already knows I have issues!)  Tell me why you are calling, what exactly do you want from me?  You want to just chat, then don't bother calling, I don't do that. (I will chat for hours in person though) Do you have a question or problem?  Ok, I will talk, but not for too long!  And even then, text me, email me, I answer those really quickly!  I also don't like to call places that have inept people answering their phones.  If you work at that company, know your damn job or don't answer the phone.  (those people I can also handle in person, because I can make the face at them so they know that I think they are inept.)

I think I've said this before, but my time is very precious to me.  I find talking on the phone a huge waste of time and I don't want to do it, and you can't make me!  I really am not trying to be a cow, but I feel very strongly about this topic.  So if I don't like talking on the phone, why make me?  I'm not going to be all that nice to talk to.  Shoot me an email, have a coffee with me, just please, don't call me.

I can see the end of the long road

After the past year, the mass amounts of doctor visits, I feel like I can finally see the end.  It's not soon mind you, but it is there, in the somewhat near future.

Over the past few months, I have seen at least one doctor every week, some weeks up to 3.  It makes for a very busy life.  I always joke that I have a part time stretching my calves(the feet issue) and now it feels like I also have a part time visiting doctors.  What a great job, or hobby to have.  Although I always learn something from every visit, I am very happy to see the end of the constant visits.  I am starting to feel like a hypochondriac!  I should get a frequent visitor card and have a chance to win prizes.  But then everyone would want to go to the doctor.  And some people should....Ok, I have to stop this now before I show you that place in my brain that takes some really weird tangents.  You wouldn't believe the things that I can come up with and connect in my head.

I don't have to see the sleep doctor until April as the medication that I am currently on is working really well.  I feel pretty good!  I have to see the oral appliance doctor next week, but even that is going well.  One night I thought it might be nice to take a break from wearing the appliance over night - I didn't sleep well at all!  I don't actually mind the appliance, it's just not the most attractive thing ever, and it makes my dry mouth even worse.  I saw my family doctor today and he is good with everything that we've got going on.  The anti-depressants....or chemical stabilizers as I like to call them, are working well.  (except for yesterday.  I damn near had a panic attack just thinking about using the phone...but that's another story)  My feet feel like they are on the mend, my jaw is just about back into place, my hip feels good after I get a few pops and clicks out.  Oh good lord, I really am a mess aren't I?!

Life is looking good though.  I feel like I am learning things about myself, I feel like I am growing as a person, and I find that I am learning how to self heal.  You know, taking the right medications and vitamins, stretching, positive affirmations and all that.  I really do have a great life.

I think I'd like to go back to the hypnotherapist and learn more about myself and how to improve myself.  Always learning and growing as a person, that is my goal.  Once you stop, I think you start to die. (pleasant aren't I)  But really, if you go through life doing the same thing, you never learn anything new.  You never give yourself the chance to see what else you are capable of.  Take soccer, I never thought that I would ever play a sport, much less compete in one.  And here I am, doing that, and getting better all the time!  The other night I played up for the premiere team again.  They are still in their seeding round and were playing against an even higher level team.  I just about threw up a few times in the game, I ran so hard and pushed myself beyond what I thought I was capable of.  And it was awesome!  We lost, but it was still amazing and totally fun!

I wish I could go back in time and give my younger self a shake.  Tell her to start learning now!  Tell her to push herself, do new things, want more from life.  I'm happy that I have done what I have done, but if I had started earlier, I'd be so much further ahead.  But that's ok, I am happy, I am on a good path and I don't see myself slowing down anytime soon.

In response to Real Simple's article on how to spend time alone.

I've said this before, I will say it again.  I read, a lot.  I just can't get enough.  Books, magazines, it doesn't matter, I need to read.

While perusing the January issue of Real Simple, I read a piece inside the article "10 Things your Mother never taught you".  I can't comment on that specifically, as I am sure that there are more than 10 things in life that my Mother never taught me.  No offence to my Mom, but she never taught me how to complain and get my way - I learned that the hard way.  She also never taught me how to use a computer, how to get vomit out of clothes, and how to mix drinks.  And those little tidbits weren't in that article!  She did however teach me how to be independent, how to do laundry....after I bitched too many times about how she didn't wash my clothes quick enough.  She kind of taught me how to drive, I already knew by the time she took me out, but she supervised.  She taught me how to clean a bathroom properly, how to make chocolate cake and how to answer the phone in a professional manner.  Those are important things.  But I digress...

The topic I am trying to get to is the bit called "How to spend time alone".  Now this, being alone, I am very good at this.  I LOVE being alone.  I love my kids and my husband, but being alone keeps me sane.  The thing that got me about this article was "Unless a person has a lot of psychological tools at her disposal, the mind is not a pleasant place to inhabit", it also stated that "We have evolved for survival, not happiness, and thus we have a natural tendency to focus on the negative".  I for one, do not agree.  I love being alone with my thoughts.  The first thought is always.....I have an hour alone!!!!  What can I do in one hour that will make me the happiest?

The answer is read, most of the time anyway.  Whether it is a book, or even reading stupid things on the Internet - all the funny stuff I search for on pintrest, looking at facebook stuff.  Whatever will make me the happiest at that moment wins.  Sometimes I do cleaning and laundry, get all the boring stuff done.  But I know that being alone is the best part of my day some days.

What do other people do and think about when they are alone?  I think about what I want for the future, what I want to watch on TV, what I think about things that are happening in my life, what could I do to make my life better?  I also think about what needs to be done around the house, what errands I need to do and what project I can dream up next.  I don't dwell on negative crap - it is such a waste of time.  And honestly, if you can't be alone with your own thoughts, how can you stand yourself?  I'm sorry, but if you are so pathetic that you can't be alone, who would ever want to be that person with you so you are not alone?

I've recently realized that I am not really anti social, as those who know me have always thought.  I am an introvert.  Ok, have your laugh, but it's true.  Sometimes, when I am feeling not so great - when I am tired, or my medication isn't working, I don't even want to talk to people.  I dread it!  Not for reason's that you might think, only god knows what that might be!  I just find that some people take up too much of my time, and I have a hard time walking away, or telling people that I have to go.  Therefore, I sit there, and listen to people drone on about shit that I don't care about.  And there are so many things that I just don't care about!

When I am feeling better, more like how I am supposed to feel, I can remind myself that I have the choice to walk away from people, to stop them from taking up my time.  I also have earphones that I can shove in my ears to drive people away!

Another point in this article is the difference between being alone privately and alone publicly.  My Mom, funny that she really did teach me this, told me to learn how to eat alone.  She never did, well the last time we talked about this she hadn't.  She hated to eat alone, she thought it would be a brave thing to be able to be alone in public and not ashamed of it.  That is the best lesson my Mom ever taught me.  I LOVE to eat alone.  Yes I bring a book, mainly because I love to read, but also so that people don't try to talk to me.  I don't want them to!  I am not sad to be alone, I am thrilled!  I also shop alone, go to movies alone...and yes, laugh my ass off or cry if I want to.  I'm not sure if there is anything that I don't or can't do alone.

Maybe I am unusual, ok, I know I am, but in this way specifically.  When I am out alone, I don't think (or care) if people are looking at me.  I don't care what they think about me being alone.  I am happy about it, I am more than content and I am never bored alone.  My mind can occupy me for hours.  When the kids are at school and I am home alone, I don't watch TV, I don't talk on the phone.  Sometimes I listen to music, but for the most part, it's just me and my mind having a very pleasant time.

So I say to you - writer of this article in Real Simple.  Pull your head out of your ass.  If you truly believe that the "mind is not a pleasant place to inhabit", you have some real issues and maybe you shouldn't be telling other people what to do if you can't even stand to be alone with yourself!  I wonder how other people feel about that.  And if you don't like to be alone, why not?  Maybe you should get to a point where being alone is not only something you can do, it's something that you like to do.  To love your own company, that is a great thing.

I'm Awake!!!

Some newer new meds, a trip to Cuba, Christmas, a New Year, 2 kids, one husband, and I am finally awake!!!  I feel like I can conquer the world!  Ok, I feel like I can clean the house and stay awake all day, but to me, that's about the same thing!

I am almost at the end of the line as far as medications go - there is only one left to try if the one I am on right now doesn't work.  But it is working right now, and I will take that for as long as I can.  The side effects are less, and dry mouth, well I guess I can deal with that.  I did go back on anti-depressants.  I didn't want to, because I am not "depressed".  However, I think my life is awesome, everything is great and I just couldn't seem to deal.  After lengthy conversations with all 3 of my doctor's, they advised that I am "depressed" and told me to go back on those meds.

I know why there is such stigma over the whole mental illness issue - and the medications that go with it.  I am not sad, nor am I suicidal.  I do not have issues, I have a chemical imbalance that leads me to be quite incapable with dealing with life.  And like I said, I have a good life.  I am not broke, my marriage is solid, my kids are great, I don't have job issues or anything like that.  I simply lack the ability to create the correct chemicals to keep me...stable...awake, able to cope.  It's the same as having diabetes, my body just doesn't make the right amount of things and therefore I need medication.  Is it a mental illness, well yeah - it's all in my head!  But whatever.  I know what I need to do and I am willing to do it so that I can cope with being awesome.

Cuba was lovely, the food is worse than everyone says - a lot of it was inedible, not just bland.  I ate a lot of bread and my body didn't like that.  I hope to be back to normal within the month.  It may take a lot of prunes and broccoli, but I am willing to do what needs to be done to get things moving again!  (TMI, I know!)  It was hot every day that we were there, the beach was amazing, the ocean even better.  I got a great tan and the vitamin D boost that I needed.  The kids loved the water and the sun, and spending time together.  We had a lot of fun and I don't regret going, but I doubt we'd go back there.  We'll have to find another hot place that meets our requirements.

Christmas was wonderful - it was just the 4 of us for both Christmas eve and day.  I loved it!  I didn't leave the house or get out of my jammies for 2 whole days!  Heaven!  Then the kids and I set off to see my family, it was actually a really nice visit.  I let all of my tension about it go, and just had a good time.  The nephews are so awesome, they are just great boys and I love to see them.  They are all so different, and a lot alike at the same time.  They make me laugh and the older boys even stood still while I hugged them!  Last time I saw them I had to pin one of them against the wall with a chair to get a hug.  I did take it a bit too far and tried to hug them multiple times.  The little ones hugged me every time I asked, and that was so awesome!

The New Year was rung in with wine and just the 4 of us again.  It was good.  We spent yesterday at the lake tobogganing and skating, and then we started the cleaning of the basement.  That is ongoing and will be for some time.  In the chaos of it all, we lost a goalie glove and we are trying to find it by cleaning the house top to bottom.  We spring clean in the winter anyway, and we were due.  I do hope we find it!

I also had a soccer tournament over the holidays, I played 3 games out of 4 and we won silver!  I didn't injure myself and only fell down once - but it wasn't even because I am clumsy!

I look forward to the next few days with the kids - we have a lot planned, and lots of downtime too!  Next week will be back to normal, and I am even looking forward to that.  Now that I can stay awake and I don't feel like a zombie, I know that I will be able to get done all the things I have been planning to do!

Happy New Year!  I hope you are as excited as I am for the future!

And now, the continuing saga of the housewife who couldn't stay awake. In this episode, New Meds!

This sleep disorder is kicking my ass.  Over the past few weeks, the side effects and the lack of wakefulness has lead me back to the doctor to change up my medication.  So far, it's not going so well.

I started on one pill for the last 2 days, and I had to take 2 naps each day, and still felt like total crap.  This morning I was allowed to up the pills to 2!  So far, not bad.  It didn't start off very well, but a little chat with friends in the brisk morning air helped me from going home and going straight back to bed.  I feel half awake and ready to take on some laundry, more coffee and maybe I might even clean a bathroom!

I just want to get through the day without the absolute necessity of taking a nap.  Is that too much to ask?  I hope not.  The last few nights my sleep has been terrible to top things of.  My mouth has been so dry, I wake up feeling like the Sahara Desert has taken over my mouth.  That happens a few times a night, so I know I am not getting restful sleep.  My husband has been making fun of me too - the other night he asked me just how many things I had put in my mouth.  The answer.....4.  I have the top part of my appliance, the bottom part of my appliance and 2 sticky minty things that are supposed to help my mouth create saliva.  Yes, I am super hot when I go to bed.

I have to get more of the minty sticky things because apparently, I can't sleep without those now either.

My sister would be so proud of me today though.  I said no to something!!!  It's a cookie exchange, and it's not a bad thing to do, but it's one more thing to add to my list that I really shouldn't be adding.  So I told the girls I just couldn't do it!  I can't believe I actually said no.  That's a huge thing for me.  I get such anxiety about doing things that I don't want to do, or just can't fit into my schedule.  But I have to take care of myself and in order to do that, I have to stop taking other things on.

I have enough to deal with just trying to keep the house clean, food on the table, and laundry.  Oh yeah, and staying awake long enough to spend time with the kids and the husband.  Put soccer on top of that, all the appointments I have for my feet and the sleep issue, and it just gets to be too much.  I am lucky, and VERY thankful, that I don't have to work on top of that.  (Thanks be to Andre)

I'm still plugging away, some days are better than others.  I do have hope.  I am very thankful that I have some wonderful doctor's who listen - because I sure didn't have that before.  I have doctor's who found the issue and are trying to fix it, I didn't have that before either.  So I know that I am not alone, I am going in the right direction, and there will be a solution to this problem....I just have to be patient and wait for it to happen.

Until then, I will nap, try to get the necessities done, and be a little less hard on myself.

Let's just pause and appreciate how amazing I am!

I thought my head was big before, hitting a loss of 30 pounds yesterday, and my ego is just through the roof!  I am 190 lbs, and I hope to break the 180's soon!!!!

I thought that with each pound I lost it would be a lot more exciting though.  It's not.  Don't get me wrong, I am very happy with my success, but where is my party?  Why aren't people celebrating my huge milestones???  Oh yeah, this isn't tv.  It's too bad, maybe a few balloons and some party horns might make it seem a bit more of a big deal.  Maybe I should video tape the weigh in, or the trying on of all my clothes in my closet that are too big, and make my own soundtrack.  Then I can watch it over and over again and really celebrate!

Fine, I'll just go buy myself something pretty, that fits, to celebrate instead!

I did have a bit of a tv moment at one of my games last week.  I was in the corner at the opposing net when time stopped.  No one moved....it was so quiet...you could hear the clock ticking.  As I was standing there with the ball it really was like time stood still and I had a moment of clarity....something I don't get much in a game.  It was just me and the ball, and one girl defending me.  I thought long and hard and I made my move.  I took a fake kick..... the defender ran the other way and I took a shot on net......and totally missed!  But it was one hell of a moment in time for me.  The girls on the bench were laughing their asses off.  They couldn't believe that I had pulled off that move.  To be honest, I was a bit of a panicky player before, and for me to make a move like that and have it work, well I had to laugh too!  I did the same move against my coach the week before and burnt her - she was shocked!  She's been there to watch me play from the start - so it was a bit of a surprise that after only a few seasons, I could burn around her!

It's hard to believe the person I was once has changed into the person I am today.  I have my bad days, but for the most part, I am happy, healthy, in love, and so positive about everything.  I never would have thought that I could be this person, strong, a leader, an athlete.  I had a nurse yesterday accuse me of being perfect!  That is not a word that I would use to describe me.  She did feel better after she decided that I was probably vitamin D deficient!  I most likely am.  (Someone should really move me to a warmer climate - I am not meant for this cold.  I should be somewhere warm, with my bikini on, running on the beach.  Well not at the same time.  Me and bikini running.....not yet thanks.  I am still trying not to look like a rabid rottweiler when I run with clothes on!)  I always wanted to be here, in this state of mind, I just wasn't sure it could happen.  I never did want to be an athlete, but now that I am, I wish I would have thought of it sooner!

Yes, I am annoyingly happy.  I've heard that only despair and scandal will get anything you post to go viral, so I am not going there anytime soon.  But that's ok.  I am happy, and I am not going to create shit and drama to get noticed.

So much to do, so little motivation!

I have to admit, I've been getting some stuff done.  Maybe it feels like I'm not because those things I have been getting done have been on my list for a VERY long time!  I called Enmax....2 months after my contract expired.  Ooops.  They didn't care, I pay my bill, they charge me whatever they want.  Now I don't have to call them again for 5 years!  That is my kind of conversation.  Oh good to hear from you, talk to you in 5 years!

I'm not anti social (much), I just find that too many people want my attention far too often.  It's no wonder I hide in my house!

Is that abnormal?  Most people want to be popular, I just want people to leave me alone!  I think I've just gotten into the habit of saying yes...ok, I KNOW I've gotten into the habit of saying yes all the time.  I really need to stop that and remember that my time is very valuable.  It's all I have really.  And I give it away!  Well no more.  I have to remind myself everyday that I can say no, and I have to keep myself calm instead of worrying about who will ask me to do what next.  Read it slowly, I swear that sentence makes sense!

There are a few things that I like to offer myself up for - school stuff, soccer, coffee with people I actually like and want to spend time with.  I've gone to 2 parties in the last 2 months and had a great time, because I actually wanted to be there.  Normally I dread those things.  I drove an hour and a half just to see my sister to go to a craft show.  Totally worth my time!

I played up for the Premier soccer team last night - again, worth it.  We did get our asses handed to us, 8-0, but it wasn't because of me!  The other team is just that good.  I told that team to call on me anytime.  They even thanked me for coming!  I'm sorry, but playing up for a team like that is huge for me.  For them to thank me for being there instead of telling me that I suck - makes me feel pretty damn good!  I was even told I played well!  I scoffed at that, but I was assured that I did well and that I listen. That's a huge pat on the back for me!

I have a huge "to do" list and I guess I am working my way slowly through it.  I think that I might be able to paint my master bedroom finally.  I bought the paint at least 6 months ago!  I had it checked, it's still good to use.  I've been getting rid of crap, I still have a ton of crap to get rid of.  I've gotten rid of a bunch of my clothes because they are WAYYYY too BIG!!!!!  I have organized things and made appointments.  So what if I take a day off here and there, I deserve it!  (if you see my husband, remind him that I do deserve it!)  I shovelled the walk already today too.  I told my husband that with all the shovelling I have to do, there's no way I could ever get a job!  He laughed....

It might sound odd that I have to remind myself of things everyday.....you can say no, you can take a day off, you don't have to do everything all the time.  I guess I just get caught up worrying about everyone else that I forget about what is important to me.  I'm not dumb, I'm just super forgetful.  I'll just have to set up some reminders to myself to remember all that.