As Spongebob would say....4 years later...

It's been 4 years since I posted last, how time flies.  Here's a little catch up:

I am still cancer free, the husband is healthy, the kids are still at home, but they both drive.  We are still super into sports.  So, not a whole lot has changed.

I am way less angry, I have no idea where all that rage went, it just disappeared.  I didn't sleep last night, so this morning was a bit ragey, but that's not common anymore.  I still volunteer, a bit less now that I only have one kid under 18.  Shockingly, I am still trying to get my shit together.

I was diagnosed with Lyme disease 2 years ago.  It sucks.  At least I know why I feel like crap all the time.  There is a lot of info about the mother passing Lyme disease to their baby during pregnancy, and I'm pretty sure that both my kids have it.  We can pinpoint my infection to when I was about 17-18.  We have tried everything, and so far nothing has really helped.  I can't really help my kids until we find out what will help me, I'd rather I'm the guinea pig than them.

But weirdly enough, that's not why I'm here today.  I'm completely annoyed that there are very few antique stores and basically no architectural salvage stores near me.  All I hear is reduce, reuse, recycle, don't buy new, blah blah blah.....so where the hell is all the stuff that people are getting rid of?  I want to buy used stuff, and fix it, or use it as is, and I can't find anything.  Unless I want to spend a few hundred dollars on something that has basically been sitting outside in the dirt for decades, I'm out of luck.

That's my rant for today.  Why write here and not on facebook or something? Because this doesn't get a lot of traffic, and I just want to rant without actually talking about it.  That's it.  Maybe I'll be back again in less than 4 years!

The Journey Continues

Yes, yes, my journey of life goes on.  Cue the wind chimes and pan flutes.

Life has settled down in some ways, our health concerns are being managed, and we seem to be happy!  My son has gone sports crazy; ball hockey, ice hockey and soccer - not to mention a stint in wrestling.  My daughter is a bit of a hot mess, but she's making good choices and doesn't seem to be freaking out about life too often.

I'm hit and miss.  I don't nap everyday, but I have been in my jammies by 3pm twice this week.  I'm still volunteering a lot, next week I get to go to a "strings" camp!  My kids aren't even going, and my husband thinks I'm crazy to go, but it's 2 days, they feed me and I get to listen to cello's and violin's for 2 days!  It's like a mini vacation just for me.

I'm still working on myself, trying to figure out if I am a total bitch, or if I am justified in my anger issues.  I mostly just get angry when my loved ones are treated badly, but I tend to hold onto things for a really long time.  I'm pretty pissed about certain things that happened a year and a half ago, and I can't seem to shake it. Every time family "expectations" come up, I feel really resentful.  I know I'm being vague, but I don't like to openly air my dirty laundry!  I've always been pretty passive/aggressive, and confronting the problem, especially after this amount of time, seems a bit redundant.  The problem is one that has been around for all time, and being honest won't change that.  So how do I let it go, or confront it?

Yes, that's my issue right now.  Other than that, I can't complain, things are good.  I don't know how other people get through the day, it's a struggle most days for me. I suffer with being unfulfilled, but I also suffer from being exhausted all the time.  I dream of being awake and ambitious, I dream of wanting to do stuff and wanting to want to do stuff.  But, like I said, life is pretty good.  I wrote this, I volunteered already today, and I'm still in jeans, so it's a good day.  If I decide to take a nap now, so be it.

Just another day

On Monday I had my surgery for Basal Cell Carcinoma on my face.  I had a biopsy on this spot in August, they thought they may have missed a bit of it, so they sent me on for further inspection.  Doctor lead to Dermatologist, which lead to Plastic Surgeon.  By the time I got to this surgeon, they were mad that it took so long for me to see them.  I really didn't think it was a big deal, my first cut out resulted in 5 stitches.  I thought I got to them pretty quickly, so you will never hear me complain about our health care system. (It turns out that they removed a 1cm x 1cm chunk, a bit bigger than I expected!)

I wasn't all that concerned going in, but 4 hours and over 20 stitches later, I was a little less calm.  I'm proud of myself for not losing it completely, but I did have a little panic attack during surgery.  I almost didn't cry, but then I was told I couldn't play soccer for a while, and that set me off.

5 days later and I'm doing ok.  I haven't been able to eat much solid food, but I did find some crackers and chocolate that I can fit into my mouth.  Everything else is via straw.  I didn't realize that liquid calories are just not the same as chewed calories, you'd think I'd love being on smoothies, shakes and especially ice cream, but it's just not the same.

A few weeks after my husband had his heart attack, I found out about the cancer.  My daughter put it best - she asked if we could just be done with the problems...please.  I'm sorry sweetie, I know this crap isn't fun, but the alternatives are so much worse.  I really do hope that we are done with this bullshit, we could really use a good year.  Don't get me wrong, we have a great life, I'm just a little tired of having to deal with major events.  The great news is that I am not wearing make-up in this picture, and I think I look pretty decent, aside from the stitches of course!

It's my birthday today - so I will start my 40's cancer free, and I will celebrate with as much ice cream that I can cram in my mouth!

New Year Resolutions

I don't always make New Year Resolutions, but I thought I would try it this year.

The last time I really made a list of goals was in College, and I achieved all of those goals, so I basically thought I was done and didn't need to make new goals.  That, and I didn't know what goals I even wanted.

That has been the struggle for the last few, 10, 15 years.  Then I had kids and all of the ideas of even making goals went out the window, unless you included the goal of getting in a shower at least every other day!

Now, I have decided to think about what it is that I want in life and how I plan to achieve it.  My goals this year are going to be a bit of a small start.  I resolve to be more assertive, I resolve to be more active and be able to zip up my jeans a bit easier.  (I've kind of let that aspect of my life go a bit - I'm still active, still playing soccer, but I've been eating way too many muffins and bowls of ice cream lately!) I resolve to make my kids do their chores more often so I don't have to yell at them.  I resolve to travel more.

That's all I've really got for now.  Not too lofty, I know, but I'll get there.  I'm going to work myself up to way more interesting things...probably.

I have (some sort) of Social Anxiety

Ok, I said it, I have social anxiety.  But mine is not named thus far, so we will call it the "Pamela Phenomenon".  This anxiety is a lot like regular social anxiety, with exceptions like I am capable of being social, I can talk in front of a crowd(but only if my face is bright red), and I am actually very good with people.  The difference?  I don't want to be.

I was raised in a way that we always had people over, the phone was always ringing, and it was perfectly acceptable for people to "just drop in unannounced".  I was constantly surrounded by people and I was expected to be ok with that.  I wasn't.  I would hide, go to my room, I would need to take a "really long poo".  I would be there one moment, and then just sneak away to where I could be for the longest without people finding me.  I was labeled "anti-social".

I am not anti-social.  I am selectively social.  If you drop in on me unannounced, if I even bother to open the door, you will see that look on my face...the look that says "I am trying to smile but it is killing me to do so".

People just don't get it, I am nice, friendly, I am really good with people, for short periods of time.  If I am out in public, you can bet that I would much rather be at home, alone most times.  Or with my people.  And to make that clear, I only have 3 people - my kids and my husband and sometimes they don't even make the list.  It's not that I don't like people, I just really need my time alone, and I do not require socialization nearly as much as most people.

Christmas is a really hard time for me - parties, cookie-exchanges, more parties.  I can't stand it.  If you see me at a party, I guarantee that I have been forced to go and it was not my idea to be there.  I went to my husband's Christmas party the other night, I did a good job of being nice, I even had good conversations with nice people.  I didn't have a bad time, but I would have rather been somewhere else, preferably alone. This week is tough for me, a lot of pre-planned social  activities, and the invitations just keep coming.  I have said yes to 3 already this week, and that is already too much.  I know that for my sanity, I have to say no to the other ones that come in, but I do feel bad.  It's not easy telling people that I can't go.  They ask why. What do I say?  I usually come up with an excuse that we already have plans, but what I really want to say is that I can't have anymore social interactions this week.  Try me back in a month!

Obviously I am an introvert, but due to the way that I was raised, I am good with people, and I mean really good.  If you didn't know how I felt, you wouldn't be able to tell.  (Exceptions include when I am around people that I really don't like, then you can tell.  I get that forced smile, sneer thing, and I am ultra sarcastic and bitchy.  My husband has even said that I am confrontational!)  I like people, there are some people that I really like a lot, and those people are the hardest to tell about my issue.

I tell some people what I am like, and they always joke that I don't like anyone, except them.  Well that's just not true.  It's not that I don't like them at all, it's just that I don't want to be around them very often.  And that goes for EVERYONE.  I can't be around anyone that much.  Even my kids know that, because they know when to leave me alone.  My husband, well he just doesn't get it.  He still thinks that he's the exception too. He's not.

The ironic thing is, I am writing this on a very public forum.  Not that a million people are going to read this, but I have put it out there for anyone to stumble upon.  In one way it might seem that I want attention to this, for for this.  I don't, I just want to say it enough, in safe ways, so that I can learn how to say it in real life.

Because it's not just being with people that gets to me, it's also the seemingly constant need for people to communicate with me.  Emails, phone calls, texts.  My perfect day is one where I get to do what I want to do without interruption from others.  I'd like to take a nap without the phone ringing, I'd like to clean the house without the email and text alerts.  One day.  Is that too much to ask?

I know I am a good person, but can't I be a good person, at home, alone?

I come off as nice and friendly, the kids at school LOVE me - and it's easy with them, because at the end of the day, I know they won't be calling me to go for coffee!  But it's a really hard balance for me.  I am how I am, I can't change that - but the way I am seems to encourage people to like me and want to be around me. I just hope that I can learn how to be the way I am, and also be able to tell people what I need.  That it's not them, it is me, and I just need my distance.

I have a really good excuse this time...

Its been a really long time since I have been here.  What am I doing?  Well, let's see.  I went to Germany in April, watched FC Bayern Munich vs Manchester United.  Amazing!  My husband had a broken foot on the trip, but he did ok.

I don't remember May, June was a blur of soccer and school functions.

July was ok - did some white water rafting, Sky Trek, hiking, biking, boating, swimming and tanning.

August - well that's where it all falls apart.  My husband (who is 39!) had a massive heart attack.  He was in the Cardiac ICU for 5 days.  The type of heart attack he had is called a "widow maker".  Yes, most people die when they have a heart attack in this section of their heart.

It's a somewhat funny, kind of awful story.  We had been digging trenches in the yard all weekend to put in underground sprinklers, so his arms were a bit sore.  He also was feeling kind of yucky that day. He went to his soccer game that night anyway, because that is what he does.  He doesn't know how to relax or slow down.  After his game, he came home, had a snack and writhed in pain for a while.  He went upstairs, writhed a bit more, then it looked like he had fallen asleep.  So of course I took a shower, thinking he was resting.  When I was done, I noticed he was writhing again, I was looking up symptoms of heart attacks on the net, but not really thinking anything of it because his pain was justifiable we thought.  THEN, he stuck his hand in his mouth and rubbed his teeth.  I asked if his teeth hurt, he spoke but didn't make any sense.  It was only then that I thought something might really be wrong.  On the net somewhere, I noticed a very "rare" symptom of heart attacks, jaw pain.

I told the kids that I was taking their Dad to the hospital, just in case.  Before I tell the next part, I must emphasize that my husband is a complete baby when he is sick or sore - so I cannot be blamed for thinking he was just being a big baby!

I told our 15 year old daughter that I was "taking Daddy to the hospital, and he had better be having a fucking heart attack".  Yes, I am a truly horrible person.

Anyway - off to the hospital, I dropped him at the doors as per his suggestion, I parked the car, and by the time I got inside, all of 5 minutes later...or less, he was in a bed and hooked up to machines.  That was then they verified that he was having a massive heart attack - we were shocked.

In 10 minutes he was on his way to another Hospital in an ambulance.  Within the hour he was in the Cath lab,  and had angioplasty - he had 2 stents put into his heart.  I got to see him about 3 hours later.

My husband actually asked if he could go home the next day.  He had no idea where he was and how serious his situation was.  I did, unfortunately, because I asked, and the nurses were very blunt about everything.  I'm glad they were, I don't do well with sugar coating.

2 days later he asked to go home again, and the nurse actually yelled at him.  It was awesome!  I got to watch the whole thing.  The nurse told him what had happened, where he was and why he was there...and that he was going to be there until they told him he could go home.  It was then that he realized how sick he really was.  That was hard, just to see the understanding in his face.

He came home a few days later, he's on tons of medication and a modified diet.  He feels ok now, he's back to work and also doing cardiac rehab.  They watch him while he exercises, but he's just happy to be able to exercise.  We've been told that the fact that he is so fit is what saved his life.

Things have been hard to adjust to at times.  We have scaled back ALL of our volunteer efforts, which was a lot.  People see him, he looks fine, so they think that we should be able to resume life as normal, but it just doesn't work that way.  When you almost lose your husband, you see where your priorities are.  Right now, I've got to concentrate on him, the kids, and myself.  Everything and everyone else has to just wait.

It's been 41 days since his heart attack, and 41 days since his last cigarette too!  We are managing, we are trying to get used to the new normal, and we are working on making everything ok.

But wait, there's more.

The kids started school last Tuesday, the same day that I had stitches removed from my face.  I had had a "thing" removed from above my lip as a precaution.  Test results?  Basal Cell Carcinoma.  Just what I needed.

I've told the kids and my husband.  The only thing that can be said to sum this all up, came from my daughter.  She sighed and said "ok, can you guys just be done with all of this now?  No more please."

It's been a lot to take in.  What is normal now?  What do I do to make this all ok?  I have no idea, but getting stupid things done, like laundry, that at least helps a bit.

I have found myself telling people what has happened if only to have them back off a bit.  We need to take care of us now, we need to stop doing things that other people want us to do and make sure we are taken care of first.

Who knows when I will write again - I'll try, but only if it makes me feel better!

Am I even speaking english??

Some days I really wonder if I am speaking a different language than everyone around me.  I think I'm making sense, but maybe I'm not.  I really question my communication skills at times.  (if you read this and I'm not making sense, for the love of God, please tell me!)

Maybe I am speaking English, but the person I am with isn't.  Maybe that's why I can't understand what the heck they are saying.  Maybe I just don't care enough to figure it out?  Do men and women even speak the same language?

I swear, I can't have a conversation with my husband some days.  He thinks he is talking, but he's not making any sense to me.  I think I am making sense and he looks at me like I've grown another head.  I question my sanity a lot when talking to him.  That's just not right.

Maybe I need a brain douche.  Ha, I just had to get that word in there.  But really, I wish there was a product that I could stick in my ear, shake my head around a bit, and all the crazy shit, the unneeded information, the bad memories, the stuff that just doesn't make any sense, would just fall out.  Then I could go on my way, with a clear brain, a clean slate.  That would be super helpful right now.  Like a defrag computer program!

Brain douche, the product you never knew you needed.

Just doing it

I finally, FINALLY, painted my master bedroom!!!  It only took me a year and half!  I started last week, on Thursday I think.  It really didn't take that long, a day and a half, and it looks amazing!

So yes, the room is messy before and after, and I haven't gotten any pictures up on the walls yet.  But the point is, it is painted, and all the outlet and switch covers are even back on!  It's a whole lot brighter in there now.

I am trying really hard to stop procrastinating.  I am getting stuff done, not avoiding things.  I tidy the house when I have a few minutes.  I answer most emails in a timely fashion.  I want to add that I painted the room even though I was working on the school fundraiser AND soccer intake.  

I am trying really hard - and I feel a lot better not having things weigh on me. I just have to remind myself of that.  It's better to deal with the crappy stuff right away, otherwise it just sits there on my shoulders.  I have even become a little more blunt.  If that was even possible.  

As a leader - no I didn't choose to be a leader, but I am one of those people that just gets themselves into leading things because other people won't - I was very reluctant.  I would be wishy washy, and I HATE it when people are like that, so it made me angry at myself.  I decided that if I am going to lead, whether I wanted to or not, I will be firm and decisive.  Who cares if people don't think I am nice?  The husband said just last night that I am too nice anyway and nice doesn't get shit done.  

So there it is, Just Doing It, my new motto.  I may not be doing it perfectly, but its good enough, and unless someone is paying me for perfect, good enough is good enough for me.

Now what?

For the past few years, I have been on a journey of personal growth.  How's it going?  Well that depends on who you ask.  If you ask me, I am just treading water, trying to keep afloat.

I know that all the pressure I feel to be a certain way, to do certain things, it all comes from within.  I don't have a lot pressure from outside forces.  Sure, I have school council and soccer commitments, but the pressure I feel from these things would be dramatically less if I could just let some things go.  If I could stop worrying about writing that email, and just get it done!  Procrastination is my biggest challenge.  The longer I hold things off, the more pressure I feel to do them, the more pressure I feel to do them, the more I want to hold it off!  I wrote a school council email just a few minutes ago, and it feels good to have that off my plate.  Then, the stress of all the emails that might come from that...that gets to me.  Yes, communication with other people is a real issue for me!

I guess I just need to remind myself to breathe, and not worry about it so much.

I was talking to my sweet husband last night, and as I was telling him the stress I was feeling, I realized how silly it was.  No one is making me do the things I think I should be doing.  I am the one that thinks up these crazy ideas, like how the house should be spotless (it never is), and how my little projects need to be done (they never are).  I should be looking at these projects as something I'd like to do, not that I have to do.

By the way, the sweet husband thinks the house looks just fine.  Maybe he needs glasses?  But if he doesn't care that much, why should I?  He said I should write down 10 things I want to get done in the next 30 days.  What did I do?  Instant panic!  10 things???  30 days???  That sounds an awful lot like a deadline!  But maybe if I set a deadline it would get done?  Like the painting of my bedroom, yup, that is still not done!  I did move the paint to the bedroom.  Then I moved it to another spot in the bedroom. I like painting, why am I not doing this?  It will look so nice!

But I put it off.  Then instead of doing all the things I want to do, I sit on the ipad at night looking for new ideas.  Yes, I realize how dumb that is.  I have all these great ideas, I build up the supplies, and then I don't do them.  I am all about excuses.  Well I can't do it in one day, where do I have 2 days I could do this?  Nowhere, ok, guess it won't happen then.  OR...I was going to do this today but then someone needed me to do something else, so I did that instead.  Why can't I just put myself first?  Why do I put off the things I really want to do?

My husband said that he is always "putting out fires" - doing the things that people are asking about right now.  That's the same for me.  (He's not a fireman, but I did just picture him as a fireman...hot!) Anyway.....I am always putting stuff off to do other stuff.  I really need to just get some shit done, tell other people that they can wait.  I need a schedule.

I wish there was a way that I could tell that one day was ending and a new day was starting.  You know, like it gets light and then dark, that would be super helpful.

In other words, I need to get my shit together.  I need to figure out what my shit is, and what I want my shit to be.  What is important?  What can I let go of, and I mean really let go - not just not do it, but not even think about doing it, and letting go of the stress and the guilt that I should be doing it.

I've let go of some "friendship" stress, that felt great.  I had coffee with 2 real friends, and it felt so nice to be with people that I actually liked.  I've stopped spending so much time with "time suckers".

I think a big struggle is that I have had a schedule all of my life, and the I have really struggled the last 7 years without that structure.  I think that I don't like structure, so I avoid it, but I think that if I just instilled some structure, that would actually help me.  It's like the old budget debate.  But that is another story.

So, the plan is, get my shit together.  Find out what my shit is first.  This whole idea, it somehow doesn't feel new.  It feels like I've been here before....

Is getting sick good for you?

I am fully aware that getting sick builds up antibodies that protect your body from getting that illness again, and enables your immune system to become stronger.  But that's not where I am going with this.

I have been sick for a little over a week.  Last week was nausea and the sweats, Sunday was pure exhaustion, and for the last few days I have had a sinus thing, I've lost my voice and feel just like complete crap.

But.....yesterday I felt that my brain at least was recovering.  I, for some strange reason, had some wonderful new ideas for my yard. This is odd because there is a few feet of snow on the ground, its been there for weeks and it shows no signs of going away.  But my brain had hope and was looking ahead to spring.  The best news was that my brain had decided to step away from the sick fog and have some thoughts and ideas again.

It happened again this morning.  Now I have already forgotten what those particular ideas were, but I have hope that they will come back to me.  Yesterday I wrote down my ideas before I forgot them.  Give me a break, I've been sick!

I think that when a person gets sick, along with the purging of all the snot (sorry, I know it's gross, but it's true and you know it), you also purge things in your brain that you don't need.  Mine come out my nose, very handy!  Maybe it's just me, but after I have been sick, I get to the point where I can feel the sickness lifting, and I feel fresher, more engaged, and a lot more positive about what is going on in my life.  It really is like a cleanse.

Anyway, maybe it's just me.  All I know is that I dread getting sick, I hate being sick, but at the end of it, I get really excited about not being sick, and think of all the things that I could be doing.  I am still going to hermit myself in the house for at least today, maybe the rest of the week, just in case.  But after that, I am sure I will have a to do list the length of my arm, and I will be really happy to get all those things done.

Who knows, maybe I'll have a mental breakthrough and decide what I want to be when I grow up too! (at the verge of 39, you'd think I'd know by now, but I don't)

Saturday Night's all right for fighting!

So is a Tuesday afternoon.

Unfortunately I didn't get a fight....and I was so prepared!  I am so sick of people complaining about shit to me that I have no control over.  How about instead of complaining, do something about it!

If you don't like what you've got, why don't you change it?  (And other great 80's songs are just floating around in my head)

Do you think that I like everything that I have to do?  I don't, but there are some things that you just have to pull up your big girl panties and deal with.  I don't want to clean my house, but I want a clean house.  I don't want to fund raise, but I don't want my kids to not get the opportunities that they should be getting.  I don't want to talk to parents about fundraising, or about anything really.  If you have so little in life to do but complain about stuff, then I don't want to talk to you at all.

Life really shouldn't be so painful.  Get the crap done and enjoy the good stuff.  You don't have any good stuff?  Not my problem - go talk to someone who cares.

I am tired of people thinking that they can walk all over me.  I try really hard not to be a bitch, because I don't think it's necessary.  But if I have to be a bitch, well, then I guess I will be.  But I will pull out the bitch only when needed, and try to be nice the rest of the time.  I just don't have the energy to keep up the bitch like I used too.  But I have to hand it to her, the bitch gets stuff done.

There's my rant for today.  If anyone is looking for a fight, I've still got some fight in me.  But after that, I am taking a well deserved nap!  Being sick makes me a little more goal oriented I think.

Can I run away?

And why do I feel like I need to ask permission to run away?  I never did as a kid, I just left.  That's the point of running away!

I'm not having a breakdown....I don't think. I just feel like I could really use a vacation, by myself.

I yelled at the kids this morning, which makes them have a bad start to the day, and then I feel like crap for doing it.  They just don't appreciate what I do for them.  Even the things that I don't do for them, I still have to tell them to do it!  I almost picked up a pile of my son's soccer stuff last night to put away, my husband told me to leave it and make my son take care of it.  Nice idea, but then I go to the laundry room to see my husband's crap all over the place in there!  If I don't clean it up, then I have to step over it all the time.  Where do I draw the line?  Do I yell at him - which will then make him say that he has barely anything lying around and if that's how I want to be, he'll clean up his stuff and no one else's......which would mean what?  That all would be normal, because he still wouldn't clean up his stuff and his shit would still be all over the place anyway!

So I'm thinking Germany for my solo vacation!  But the problem is the weather, I don't want to go from crappy weather here to crappy weather there.  Then I think about someplace sunny.  Where could I go that would be sunny, I'd feel safe walking around all over the place alone...and then lets get realistic, I couldn't do it.  My family would die without me.

They'd miss all their soccer games and practices because no one would be there to make sure they know what's going on each day, instead of doing laundry, my husband would just make them all re wear their clothes, underwear included.  They'd eat out every day because no one even knows how to make toast, then they'd get diarrhea or constipation due to all the crap they'd been eating, they'd die from that, or sugar coma's!  If they somehow made it through all of that, my daughter would stop leaving the house because I am not there to fix her hair or make-up, all of my son's teeth would fall out because he can't remember to brush them, my husband would forget that he had kids and just go play soccer all day and night, then smoke himself to death afterwards.

Now I realize I might sound a little bitter.  That sounds about right.

I know what you are thinking, why not make them do things for themselves?  What the heck do you think I have been trying to do???  Or maybe you are thinking that I should get a job to have something for me.  Well no thanks.  I do not want to work for some dipshit that just makes me feel the same way I do at home.  No one could pay me enough to go back to that.

Stay at home Mom's have a difficult position.  (Please don't think that I think working Mom's have it any easier - I know they don't, I've been there too.)  But since I am here, now, this is how I feel.  I don't have a job, so my job is to take care of the house and the kids and the husband, do the errands, and all the crap that needs to get done.  But if I do it all, what am I teaching my kids AND my husband?  That they have a nice little slave?  Then if I don't do it, well then I am not doing my part.  Bahhh! I just can't win.

I just want a little appreciation, and really, some time off.  Even vacation with them isn't time off because I still have to remind them to do stuff and clean up their crap.  Yes, a solo vacation is my dream.  I think I am just going to have to make it a reality.  The only question then is....how long can I go away for that will give me enough time to calm down, and the family enough time to learn how to do shit on their own?

What's your closet?

My closet?  I'm a crier, I'm super emotional.  I try to stifle it, I try to be discreet, I try to breathe through it....but all the while, my body is shaking, I start to make little squeaky noises.  I try so hard to be a cute little dainty crier, but I just can't do it.  I sob, I breathe loudly, I sniffle.  I     just     cry.

Ok, maybe that's just the closet door.  My closet is that I am affected so deeply by all of the things around me.  I try to step back, not be touched by the things that go on around me, and I just can't.

The love for my kids, that makes me cry more than I can tell you.  My kids would tell you.  Mom, are you going to cry?  Yes, kid, yes I am.  And it's ok to cry.  I just love them so much, my body is so filled and overflows with love for them.  I want to hold them and kiss them forever, I want to keep them with me all the time.  But I can't.  They seem to think they "need" to go to school!  So....I cry.  And they cry with me, because they have the same feelings towards me.

The sadness around me, the hope, the fear, the people reaching out, that gets to me.  I can't be there for everyone.  I have to pick and choose who I can feel for.  Most, are not deserving.  They want.  Yes, that's it, they just WANT.  They don't need, they want approval, they want love, but they don't need it, they just think it should be theirs.  They don't want to work for it, they wouldn't appreciate it.  Everyday I have to stop myself from caring about everything because it would just break me.

So I cry.  I cry because I can't make other's see what I see, and I can't give them what they need.  The ones that get it, they cry with me.  Not unhappy tears, the happy, fulfilled, overflowing tears that you just can't stop.  The crying because a song is just so beautiful, the crying that a person just said something that makes absolute sense, the crying because I know that someone else gets it.

I can't stop it, but one day, I hope to control it a little better.  I do not look good even after a little cry.  I turn all red, my nose is stuffy and hurts, my eyes just won't focus.

Upworthy got me again this morning - a post that made me be able to put more words to how I am feeling, and why.  The more I know that other people get it, the more I cry.  It's nice to be able to express how I feel in words instead of tears, even if they aren't my words.  One day I'd like to be able to just express myself instead of crying, instead of holding back all the time.

Upworthy - Ash Beckham

Rules to Live by

Be Authentic
Be Direct
Be Unapologetic

I just want everyone to want more

I am sitting here at my computer, I'd come home after dropping the kids at school so that I could do my banking, and remember to wear my wedding ring before I go tan and finish up my Christmas shopping.  Luckily I also just remembered to take my medication too!

I had an extra few minutes, so of course I checked the Internet, logged into facebook to see what everyone was up to as it is too cold out to see anyone outside!  The fist link on facebook was to Upworthy - and I didn't know it at the start, but apparently I needed a good little cry.  Just take a look if you might need a cry too.

http://www.upworthy.com/watch-a-teenager-bring-his-class-to-tears-just-by-saying-a-few-words-2?c=reccon1

http://www.upworthy.com/watch-a-student-totally-nail-something-about-women-that-ive-been-trying-to-articulate-for-37-years-6?c=reccon1

I'm not crying because I am sad, I am crying because I just want more.

I've said that for the longest time, I want more.  What is it that you want? People ask me, my Mother, my husband.  I want more time, I want to see more, I want to feel more, I want to do more.  I want everyone I see to want more, more honesty, more real conversations.

It's not enough for me to talk about trivial things, maybe that is why I avoid people so much.  I want to talk about what really matters.  What are you feeling?  What do you dream about?

I want to hold my kids, I want to hear what they do, what they want to do, how they think, what happens in their minds.

What does my husband think about?  Does he have deep thoughts?  And why does he feel so afraid to share them with me?

My honesty is seen as rude - I am nosy.  I don't want to know these things because I want to judge you, I want to know these things so that I know you.  I am afraid to ask these questions for so many reasons.  People are afraid of what I want from them, why do I want to know?  I am simply curious, I think we all hide behind what we are supposed to be like, what we want people to see.

I've said it before, and now that I have accepted it, I will say it more.  I am awkward.  I am not embarrassed about this.  I fell on my butt last night in front of a bunch of 11 year olds, and I was ok with them laughing.  I wanted them to.  I fall, I say weird things, that is just who I am, and I will not hide that.  For the most part, I am honest, I am exactly what you see.  If I am being shallow and not being my true self, I think it is because you may not be able to handle me, and you are not being honest, or capable of being your true self with me.  And that's ok, not everyone can be that open.  It's scary.

It took me a long time to get here, and now that I am, I am ok with being just how I am.  I will cry at weird things, I will fall, I will say strange things, I will ask weird questions.  But when I am like that, that's me, and I will not let anyone make me feel bad about that.

I have a hard time pushing others to be honest.  I don't like to be confrontational, I won't call you out on your mistakes unless I have to.  But me, I will tell you what I did wrong, how can I fix things if I can't admit that I did something wrong?  I feel so out of place with people, and it's not because I don't care, its because I care too much and I have been let down so many times.  When you are ready to be real, that's when you can handle me, and that is where I really shine.

2 for me!

Maybe even 3!

Being cryptic is not my strong suit, I must explain myself.

I finished what I was supposed to do on the website I was working on, and I am writing on my blog again, twice in 2 days!  The third one is that I played a game last night!

Yes, it's true, I impress myself easily!

I think the sick kid is on the mend, I have been awake all day and haven't even thought about taking a nap, I will get the other kid to try on her shorts and bathing suits to see if we need to buy anything for our trip to Mexico, and the house is kind of clean!  Yay me!

I am hoping that I get to get some stuff done next week - aside from the appointments that I and the kids have, a few trips to the school, and a bunch of soccer things.....you know, the stuff I am always doing no matter what.  I am trying hard to get to the stuff that I want to do.  No, I can't just go do it.  All that other stuff needs my attention before I feel like I have time for my interests.

A stay at home Mom's job is never done.

(ps...my spell check has gone missing, so if I spelled anything wrong...well then I missed it and I can just tell you that I really do know how to spell, I just can't always prove it!)

Surprise! I'm still unorganized!

I've been at home with a sick kid all week, and I haven't done much of anything.  Well of course I have done tons of things, but never the stuff I think I should be getting done!

The hardwood floors are complete throughout the main floor.  The living/Lego room and dining room have been dusted and arranged.  But that's about it, I still have a ton of dust everywhere else.  I did get the upstairs clean last week, so that's something.

Today I've been tidying, bring the sick one drinks and taking his temperature.  I've also been updating my husband's website and adding a photo gallery.  That is taking a lot longer than I wanted - the slide show has been saving for 5 minutes already!

Other than that, the last few weeks have been filled with doing the hardwood, managing the U12 boys team, starting and completing a fundraiser for the school, playing soccer, and general tidying.  And I've been baking a lot!  I'm not sure why, but whatever, it makes the boys soccer team happy when I bring them treats, and the kids are thrilled to have homemade treats to eat.

I've decided that my goal is not to become organized.  I figure, the day I become organized, it will be such a shock to my system, that I will just keel over and die.  I've thought a lot about getting a personal assistant, but I doubt I would let them do any of the stuff that I want done, and that would mean I would have to spend time with someone!  Ach, no thanks.

My goal is to keep doing the things I like to do, and keep not doing the things I don't like to do!  Pretty achievable, I think!

Next discussion - why are some people so stupid???

Nobody cares!

It's true, nobody cares.  Not in the "oh whoa is me, no one cares, boo hoo" kind of way.

What I mean is, no one really cares what you are doing, unless they do.  No one cares what you ate, how far you ran, what sports you play, how important you THINK you are.  Everyone is so hell bent on telling the world that "I" did this and "I" did that.  Facebook, Instagram, all social media really, was set up so that we could tell the world what we are doing.  You also get that in person too - old fashioned I know.  People tell me all the time about the stuff they do - and some I care about.  Some I care a lot about.  But those other people, they are really telling me why I should think they are important.

I found myself updating my status, I scored a goal, I played a game of soccer, I got a bruise, I volunteer at the school, blah, blah, blah.  No one cares!  And you know what, if they do care, they care and will ask you about it.  Everyone is so self involved, they want to be seen as important.  I have to ask, important to who?  Why do they care if I think they are important?

I am important - to my kids, to my husband, my sisters.  That's all that really matters.  And they will care, they will ask about me, because they want to know me.  All those other people, they could care less what I am doing.  How do I know this?  They DON'T ask about me.  All they care about is telling me about what they did.  And funnily enough, I don't care!  I'm not even sure why I listen to some of these people, its a waste of my time!  I don't care that you ran today, I care if I ran today.  I care about what my kids are doing, how my husband's day was.  They are so important to me, that they don't need to prove that they are important.

I've always wondered why some people seem to think that they are so important.  They walk around telling us that they are important, and we just blindly believe them that they are important.  But I'm tired of it.  I've learned.  I know who is important to me, and who I am important to.  Who are you to tell me that you are important?

I've used the word important so much - it is now meaningless!

I'm not going to do it anymore - if you think you are so important, prove it!  Don't tell me about it!  I got into the whole thing trying to explain my importance, and I realized that I don't have to.  I know who I am important to, I know who is important to me.  That's all I really need.

So when people tell me all about why they are so important, instead of thinking to myself "they must be important....or why do I want to punch you in the face so badly", I will simply understand that I know why that whole spiel bugs me.  I will understand why I have a sudden urge to kick them.  They aren't important to me, and no matter what they say, I will not be convinced.  And the ones that are important to me, I will listen to, and be happy that I know how great they are.

This ended up being a little more "ranty*"  than I thought it would be.  But whatever.  It's also a little "Mr. Brady* speechy".

*Ranty - you know, standing on your soapbox shouting, *Mr. Brady.....long, overdone, repetitive. Yes, ranty and speechy are now words, deal with it!  Not my best work, but I do feel better getting that off my chest!

Well finally!

The depression fog has just lifted!  Yay!

I am super tired right now, but in the giddy overtired, I'm talking crazy, kind of way.  But the little fog I have been in seems to be clearing.  I got up this morning and everything just seemed ok again.

I don't know if it was sadness about losing the kids to school, or what, but I was not feeling all that great the last week or so.  I don't know why I'd be sad about the kids, they are so noisy, and they fight, and they always want me to feed them!  But they are super cute and snugly, and they have fun stories.  You can see how I might be torn about losing them for the school day.

I've got lots done already today - I took a nice walk, had some good conversation, made a bunch of appointments...by calling people on the phone!  I also called the pharmacy and spoke to a real person to get my refills, I spoke to yet another person with the police for them to send out a cruiser to patrol the maniacs that drive through our school zone area.  Yup, I used the phone several times.

I have a few more calls to make, a bunch of stuff to do on the computer - reminding myself the whole time to watch my posture so as not to get another headache.  Then I will treat myself to a little "Orange is the new Black" for lunch!  The only trouble is, I am on the last episode and I heard the new ones won't be out until 2014!!!!  What the heck am I going to watch for fun?

Things are looking good, life is good, I'm happy, healthy and.....what's another h word I can use?  (Get your mind out of the gutter, I just thought that one too though.)  Hopeful?  Holiday bound?  I wish.  HOME, that one works.  Done.

I must finish all my crap so I can deserve my show - delayed gratification and all that.

Oi, blah, pffft and ok

Yes I know, random title.

That's kind of how I feel today.  I had a game last night, we won, it was awesome.  But I felt like I played like crap!  Oh well.  Had a crappy sleep last night, went for a nice walk this morning with friends and then went to buy more milk.  Then I looked in the mirror, and I looked like I had gone feral.  Not a good look for me.  My hair was a bit wild and my eyes were a bit glassy.  But I remembered to get milk and even gas.  Yay.

I came home and did a few odd bits of things, cleaned the kitchen a bit, disposed of a few mice caught in the garden, sent some emails.

Then I actually answered the phone....and it was an unknown name!  Let that sink in ................
...................................and then I spoke to a person for over 10 minutes!  Need more time to be astonished?

Anyway...a parent new to our school called me to ask a few questions, and I think I was actually helpful.  Her kid was taken out of the original class he was placed in, and was really upset about it.  I told her who to talk to, to see if they can put him back in the original class.  I really hope they can, when a kid clicks with a teacher it really makes a difference to their school year.  Her child is a bit, for lack of a better word, sensitive.  I don't know him, but that's what word she finally used.  I totally get it.  My son is the same way.  Not sensitive, like he will cry all the time or is fragile, he just needs to be talked to a certain way, or explained things a certain way.  We all do have our own ways, he is just a very gentle soul and will become a great person, a great man, if we can keep him gentle.  There aren't a lot of people like him out there, and I really want him to be that sweet person all his life.

That made me feel pretty good about myself, kind of like I am conquering my fears a little bit.  It's not easy being social!

I've had a trying few days, I wanted this school year to be less crazy than last year.  I want to be on time for school, I don't want to yell at the kids at bed time and in the morning!  Last night I came home, after being gone for 4 hours, my son's chores had been done, but he hadn't showered or did his 30 minutes of reading.  I had to get firm.  I told him it wasn't my responsibility to make sure that stuff got done. He has to be more responsible for those things now.  He's 10!  Not 3.  He told me that I should let him stay up later so he could finish reading.  I held my ground and said no, it wasn't my problem, he could have done that while I was at soccer.  So he was mad, he wouldn't kiss me and he fell asleep.  Morning comes, he got up, took a shower and read while he ate his breakfast, and set a timer to make sure he got the full time in!  That is a real Yay!

My daughter also hadn't showered, was still "doing her homework", and didn't do the dishes like I had asked her to.  She said she wasn't sure if I wanted them done!  I told her, that if there was any question about that, to just do it and assume I wanted them done.

They really need to be more responsible, and that means that I have to step back, and be consistent.  I always talk about that, and then I let things slide, and they take advantage.

I am trying really hard to keep on top of things.  I found that I was so behind on so many things last school year, that I just stopped doing things when they piled up.  Not anymore!  I have returned a bunch of emails already, that I normally would just worry about.  I am going to make sure that I have my priorities and stand my ground, say no every once in a while, and take more real time for me.  Not shopping time!

I will just remind myself of that as often as possible, and just do stuff to get it off my plate.  As I say that, the office around me is in shambles, and I will try to pick out the important stuff, do it, and not worry about the rest.  Ahh, September.  Always a fresh start!