Can I run away?

And why do I feel like I need to ask permission to run away?  I never did as a kid, I just left.  That's the point of running away!

I'm not having a breakdown....I don't think. I just feel like I could really use a vacation, by myself.

I yelled at the kids this morning, which makes them have a bad start to the day, and then I feel like crap for doing it.  They just don't appreciate what I do for them.  Even the things that I don't do for them, I still have to tell them to do it!  I almost picked up a pile of my son's soccer stuff last night to put away, my husband told me to leave it and make my son take care of it.  Nice idea, but then I go to the laundry room to see my husband's crap all over the place in there!  If I don't clean it up, then I have to step over it all the time.  Where do I draw the line?  Do I yell at him - which will then make him say that he has barely anything lying around and if that's how I want to be, he'll clean up his stuff and no one else's......which would mean what?  That all would be normal, because he still wouldn't clean up his stuff and his shit would still be all over the place anyway!

So I'm thinking Germany for my solo vacation!  But the problem is the weather, I don't want to go from crappy weather here to crappy weather there.  Then I think about someplace sunny.  Where could I go that would be sunny, I'd feel safe walking around all over the place alone...and then lets get realistic, I couldn't do it.  My family would die without me.

They'd miss all their soccer games and practices because no one would be there to make sure they know what's going on each day, instead of doing laundry, my husband would just make them all re wear their clothes, underwear included.  They'd eat out every day because no one even knows how to make toast, then they'd get diarrhea or constipation due to all the crap they'd been eating, they'd die from that, or sugar coma's!  If they somehow made it through all of that, my daughter would stop leaving the house because I am not there to fix her hair or make-up, all of my son's teeth would fall out because he can't remember to brush them, my husband would forget that he had kids and just go play soccer all day and night, then smoke himself to death afterwards.

Now I realize I might sound a little bitter.  That sounds about right.

I know what you are thinking, why not make them do things for themselves?  What the heck do you think I have been trying to do???  Or maybe you are thinking that I should get a job to have something for me.  Well no thanks.  I do not want to work for some dipshit that just makes me feel the same way I do at home.  No one could pay me enough to go back to that.

Stay at home Mom's have a difficult position.  (Please don't think that I think working Mom's have it any easier - I know they don't, I've been there too.)  But since I am here, now, this is how I feel.  I don't have a job, so my job is to take care of the house and the kids and the husband, do the errands, and all the crap that needs to get done.  But if I do it all, what am I teaching my kids AND my husband?  That they have a nice little slave?  Then if I don't do it, well then I am not doing my part.  Bahhh! I just can't win.

I just want a little appreciation, and really, some time off.  Even vacation with them isn't time off because I still have to remind them to do stuff and clean up their crap.  Yes, a solo vacation is my dream.  I think I am just going to have to make it a reality.  The only question then is....how long can I go away for that will give me enough time to calm down, and the family enough time to learn how to do shit on their own?