And now, the continuing saga of the housewife who couldn't stay awake. In this episode, New Meds!

This sleep disorder is kicking my ass.  Over the past few weeks, the side effects and the lack of wakefulness has lead me back to the doctor to change up my medication.  So far, it's not going so well.

I started on one pill for the last 2 days, and I had to take 2 naps each day, and still felt like total crap.  This morning I was allowed to up the pills to 2!  So far, not bad.  It didn't start off very well, but a little chat with friends in the brisk morning air helped me from going home and going straight back to bed.  I feel half awake and ready to take on some laundry, more coffee and maybe I might even clean a bathroom!

I just want to get through the day without the absolute necessity of taking a nap.  Is that too much to ask?  I hope not.  The last few nights my sleep has been terrible to top things of.  My mouth has been so dry, I wake up feeling like the Sahara Desert has taken over my mouth.  That happens a few times a night, so I know I am not getting restful sleep.  My husband has been making fun of me too - the other night he asked me just how many things I had put in my mouth.  The answer.....4.  I have the top part of my appliance, the bottom part of my appliance and 2 sticky minty things that are supposed to help my mouth create saliva.  Yes, I am super hot when I go to bed.

I have to get more of the minty sticky things because apparently, I can't sleep without those now either.

My sister would be so proud of me today though.  I said no to something!!!  It's a cookie exchange, and it's not a bad thing to do, but it's one more thing to add to my list that I really shouldn't be adding.  So I told the girls I just couldn't do it!  I can't believe I actually said no.  That's a huge thing for me.  I get such anxiety about doing things that I don't want to do, or just can't fit into my schedule.  But I have to take care of myself and in order to do that, I have to stop taking other things on.

I have enough to deal with just trying to keep the house clean, food on the table, and laundry.  Oh yeah, and staying awake long enough to spend time with the kids and the husband.  Put soccer on top of that, all the appointments I have for my feet and the sleep issue, and it just gets to be too much.  I am lucky, and VERY thankful, that I don't have to work on top of that.  (Thanks be to Andre)

I'm still plugging away, some days are better than others.  I do have hope.  I am very thankful that I have some wonderful doctor's who listen - because I sure didn't have that before.  I have doctor's who found the issue and are trying to fix it, I didn't have that before either.  So I know that I am not alone, I am going in the right direction, and there will be a solution to this problem....I just have to be patient and wait for it to happen.

Until then, I will nap, try to get the necessities done, and be a little less hard on myself.

Let's just pause and appreciate how amazing I am!

I thought my head was big before, hitting a loss of 30 pounds yesterday, and my ego is just through the roof!  I am 190 lbs, and I hope to break the 180's soon!!!!

I thought that with each pound I lost it would be a lot more exciting though.  It's not.  Don't get me wrong, I am very happy with my success, but where is my party?  Why aren't people celebrating my huge milestones???  Oh yeah, this isn't tv.  It's too bad, maybe a few balloons and some party horns might make it seem a bit more of a big deal.  Maybe I should video tape the weigh in, or the trying on of all my clothes in my closet that are too big, and make my own soundtrack.  Then I can watch it over and over again and really celebrate!

Fine, I'll just go buy myself something pretty, that fits, to celebrate instead!

I did have a bit of a tv moment at one of my games last week.  I was in the corner at the opposing net when time stopped.  No one moved....it was so quiet...you could hear the clock ticking.  As I was standing there with the ball it really was like time stood still and I had a moment of clarity....something I don't get much in a game.  It was just me and the ball, and one girl defending me.  I thought long and hard and I made my move.  I took a fake kick..... the defender ran the other way and I took a shot on net......and totally missed!  But it was one hell of a moment in time for me.  The girls on the bench were laughing their asses off.  They couldn't believe that I had pulled off that move.  To be honest, I was a bit of a panicky player before, and for me to make a move like that and have it work, well I had to laugh too!  I did the same move against my coach the week before and burnt her - she was shocked!  She's been there to watch me play from the start - so it was a bit of a surprise that after only a few seasons, I could burn around her!

It's hard to believe the person I was once has changed into the person I am today.  I have my bad days, but for the most part, I am happy, healthy, in love, and so positive about everything.  I never would have thought that I could be this person, strong, a leader, an athlete.  I had a nurse yesterday accuse me of being perfect!  That is not a word that I would use to describe me.  She did feel better after she decided that I was probably vitamin D deficient!  I most likely am.  (Someone should really move me to a warmer climate - I am not meant for this cold.  I should be somewhere warm, with my bikini on, running on the beach.  Well not at the same time.  Me and bikini running.....not yet thanks.  I am still trying not to look like a rabid rottweiler when I run with clothes on!)  I always wanted to be here, in this state of mind, I just wasn't sure it could happen.  I never did want to be an athlete, but now that I am, I wish I would have thought of it sooner!

Yes, I am annoyingly happy.  I've heard that only despair and scandal will get anything you post to go viral, so I am not going there anytime soon.  But that's ok.  I am happy, and I am not going to create shit and drama to get noticed.

So much to do, so little motivation!

I have to admit, I've been getting some stuff done.  Maybe it feels like I'm not because those things I have been getting done have been on my list for a VERY long time!  I called Enmax....2 months after my contract expired.  Ooops.  They didn't care, I pay my bill, they charge me whatever they want.  Now I don't have to call them again for 5 years!  That is my kind of conversation.  Oh good to hear from you, talk to you in 5 years!

I'm not anti social (much), I just find that too many people want my attention far too often.  It's no wonder I hide in my house!

Is that abnormal?  Most people want to be popular, I just want people to leave me alone!  I think I've just gotten into the habit of saying yes...ok, I KNOW I've gotten into the habit of saying yes all the time.  I really need to stop that and remember that my time is very valuable.  It's all I have really.  And I give it away!  Well no more.  I have to remind myself everyday that I can say no, and I have to keep myself calm instead of worrying about who will ask me to do what next.  Read it slowly, I swear that sentence makes sense!

There are a few things that I like to offer myself up for - school stuff, soccer, coffee with people I actually like and want to spend time with.  I've gone to 2 parties in the last 2 months and had a great time, because I actually wanted to be there.  Normally I dread those things.  I drove an hour and a half just to see my sister to go to a craft show.  Totally worth my time!

I played up for the Premier soccer team last night - again, worth it.  We did get our asses handed to us, 8-0, but it wasn't because of me!  The other team is just that good.  I told that team to call on me anytime.  They even thanked me for coming!  I'm sorry, but playing up for a team like that is huge for me.  For them to thank me for being there instead of telling me that I suck - makes me feel pretty damn good!  I was even told I played well!  I scoffed at that, but I was assured that I did well and that I listen. That's a huge pat on the back for me!

I have a huge "to do" list and I guess I am working my way slowly through it.  I think that I might be able to paint my master bedroom finally.  I bought the paint at least 6 months ago!  I had it checked, it's still good to use.  I've been getting rid of crap, I still have a ton of crap to get rid of.  I've gotten rid of a bunch of my clothes because they are WAYYYY too BIG!!!!!  I have organized things and made appointments.  So what if I take a day off here and there, I deserve it!  (if you see my husband, remind him that I do deserve it!)  I shovelled the walk already today too.  I told my husband that with all the shovelling I have to do, there's no way I could ever get a job!  He laughed....

It might sound odd that I have to remind myself of things everyday.....you can say no, you can take a day off, you don't have to do everything all the time.  I guess I just get caught up worrying about everyone else that I forget about what is important to me.  I'm not dumb, I'm just super forgetful.  I'll just have to set up some reminders to myself to remember all that.

I took a nap....

I had to, I have been so tired!  I've been doing really well - with the exception of last Saturday when I missed my window to take my medication.  I thought taking one day off wouldn't hurt, well it did, and if I do it again, it might hurt more than just me.  I almost took my husband's head off yelling at him to leave me alone and just let me sleep!  I took 3 naps that day.

I also thought that not taking my night time medication wasn't a big deal either....wrong again.  I have learned my lesson.  Until I have this sleep disorder under control, I am NEVER going to forget my medication again.

My medication is not there to make me feel a bit better, it's not there because I just love the high it gives me.  It doesn't give me a high at all.  It makes it possible for me to get through the day without falling asleep on the couch, or God forbid, at the wheel.  It's not fun, I don't love it.  I think that certain people, who shall remain nameless, just don't understand that this is a medical condition, not just a little problem that I can deal with myself.  It's like having a broken leg, can I live with it, sure.  Will I be able to do normal things, no.

I was kind of secretive about the whole medication thing, I didn't want people to think that I am "on speed" because I want to be.  I also don't like the way some people react when I say I have to take medication to keep me awake during the day and another to put me to sleep at night.  Don't you think I'd rather be able to do those things all by myself?  The medication sucks, the side affects, the dry mouth.  It's not a fun time.

Even without the medication, which I hope to be off someday, I will probably always have to have the mouth appliance.  Yay.  My body is too stupid to wake up and stay up and then shut down and stay down for extended periods of time....you know, for 2 hours or so.  The upside of this whole thing is that someone finally understood that I was more than just tired.  That we have modern science to make sure I can live a productive life, and that this is not life threatening.  I really am thankful for all of that.

Before this, I was a cranky bitch!  I realized that the whole bitch part is kind of my personality, but I think I am way less cranky.  The kids don't agree, but what the heck do they know?  Maybe they just liked it when I was napping and they could do whatever they wanted.  Now that I am awake, I am all over them to do their chores and be active people.

I am up now, and I will get on with my day.  I will try harder to get more sleep.  Can someone please tell my husband that I need more sleep?  He doesn't seem to listen to me.  We have a PVR, record your damn shows honey!

PS...did I mention that I love him even though he drives me crazy?  Just thought I should mention that!

Time to run inside!

The plan this morning was to prepare myself for a quick, cold, 2km run.  I put on 3 shirts, a hat, some tights and my track pants, but I forgot gloves.  I doesn't matter though, because I think the chances of me running outside again this year are just about done.  I may get one or two more in, but that's about it.     I think it's time to go back to running inside on the track.

I did remember my Micoach, and instead of doing a quick 2km, I did 3!  I was quite pleased with myself.  I have an issue with knowing the distance of anything, a foot, a kilometre, a yard.  I know the distance that they stand for, but I just don't get how it applies to actual space.  It's just not where my talents lie.  But that's ok, 3km instead of 2 is just fine by me!

Soccer is in full swing, well for everyone except me!  I did get to play in a tournament 2 weeks ago, but I don't play again for another week.  Funny story, the tournament I played in was for Premier, which is above where I play in Classics 1.  I never would have played had I known that.  But I didn't, and I did play, and it was worth every painful step.  I played fairly well after the first half of the first game.  Indoor soccer is quick, I forgot that over the summer.  I even scored a goal!  It was awesome.  I can't wait for my season to start!

The kids are done their first 2 games already and have had some practices.  My son's team will probably do well, my daughter's team needs a lot of work, but that's what practice is for!  At least the girls seem to get along well and don't get down when they lose a game.  I've got to really work hard on my coaching skills for them this season.

So after my little mental break, things have been gong well.  I am super busy, but what else is new.  The last 2 weeks were probably the worst and I feel like I am moving into a nice, less chaotic pace.  Don't tell anyone, but I have today and tomorrow free of all appointments.  I am not going to clean the house because I actually got that done on the weekend, and I can concentrate on my list of what needs to be done.  Without my lists, I'd be lost!

I really do like to be busy, it makes relaxing feel so much more indulgent!  Last night, the kids had a game and a practice, we got home at 8:30, kids to bed by 9:15 and my husband had a game at 10pm.  That meant that I had a few hours of alone time in my own home!  It was awesome, I watched tv and had secret ice cream....kind of a lot of it!  Luckily, I was still down a pound this morning!  Sometimes I think the body just needs ice cream to help the weight loss along.  Yes, that is a real theory of mine, and I stick by it!  I ate like crap the last 2 weeks and put 4 pounds back on, but I am down 3 again because I have been eating like a normal healthy person.

I am also in very stiff competition with my husband.  I have never weighed less than him our whole relationship, until just a few weeks ago.  The bugger is 3 pounds less than me right now though, but I will get him.  Even if I have to sabotage him!!  No, I am not better than that.  I am going to win this one!

Note to self, blog more, because I just end up rambling when I don't do it enough.  I must go work on my Halloween outfit, and take a shower, and make some lists.  This is nice, no pressure today!

Stress - Sleep = mild mental breakdown

I've had a few busy days, I'm in the middle of a soccer tournament during the week and the games are really late at night.  I have a game every night, with the exception of last night, I couldn't play because I had a meeting for the school.  On top of that, things are busy as usual, I don't have my own car because I sold mine and my new car isn't in yet - but I have to get all the paperwork ready for the new car.  I was just voted in as School Council chair and have lots to do for that, a handful of appointments, and I recently came off my anti depressants.

Last night I went to my meeting, the things I asked my husband to do didn't get all done, so I had to deal with that this morning.....and then I got a text from my Mom that my Dad went in for surgery....surgery that goes really close to his brain.  That just put me right over the edge.  I yelled at the kids, barely got them to school on time and then lost it on the playground.  My sweet friend Robin was trying to be nice, but hugging me just makes my cry more.  So I spent about 2 hours this morning crying.  I cried at the Chiropractor's office, in the car, at Winners.  I finally stopped crying just before lunch, but by then I had a massive headache that I just can't shake.

I took the day of from life, and as expected, it has caught up with me, already!  I need to get the laundry out of the baskets at least, I set up the insurance for the car, I haven't made supper and just thinking about food makes me want to barf.  I should really do the dishes, but I just don't want to.  I have to get rid of this headache before my 10pm game tonight!

So what am I doing now?  Avoiding all of it of course!  The good news is that I am aware of why I am upset, I know it will pass and if I could just get rid of the headache, I think I could be ok.  My doctor told me there'd be days like this.....

OK - off I go.  I will just remind myself that I am fine, everything is fine.  Don't worry, I am not having a full mental break, just a really small one.  I'm ok, I swear.  I sent a really mad text to my husband this morning and by the time I actually talked to him on the phone, I had forgotten most of what I was mad about!  My life is great, I am allowed to have a break down now and again.  Ok, I'm really going to go do stuff now!

Updates...

I went to the hypnotherapist and it changed my life, true story!  More on that later.

I've lost 20 pounds!!!  Actually it's closer to 25, but I didn't want to tell the doctor that I had gained weight since he weighed me last and I am going from that number.

My phone died and luckily my (wonderful, amazing) husband was able to get it back up and running, again.  Remember when I dropped it in my pedicure water??  Yeah, he fixed it back then too.  And all I do is yell at him for fixing it without having a ton of sympathy for me while he works on it.  Aren't I an awesome wife!  I did lose all of my contacts and my calendar.  I feel a little lost without knowing all the things I am sure I have forgotten.  I did remember my hair appointment that is in 15 minutes.  I couldn't forget that if I tried!  In 2 hours I will be back to good hair and I can stop crying about how bad my hair looks.

I kind of sold my car, they are picking it up today, which leaves me without a car.  Guess I'll be walking for a week!  Andre did say he'd let me take his car and he'll borrow a company truck - at least for the weekend, but after that, we either have to rent a car or borrow his parents car.  Kind of makes me feel like a teenager again, asking for the car!  Hopefully be next weekend I'll be driving my new car!  It's black and its going to be super shiny and sparkly!!! I can't wait!

Gotta go get my hair done!!!