I want more

I don't think it's such a bad thing to want more. I have always had that phrase in the back of my mind and when asked what I want, by my husband mostly, I always answer, I just want more.

More of what? Everything. I want more kisses, more time with my kids, more time with my husband, more hugs, more adventure, more laughter, more running, more soccer, more rest, more travel, I just want more. I was asked why - why did I want more? Why wouldn't I? Life is awesome and I just want more experiences.

I want to see the world, I have been around Europe quite a bit, and I want to see more of it. I want to see more churches, more architecture, history. I want to see how more people live, more beaches, more monuments. It doesn't matter where we go, even to places I won't go back to, I am always thankful that I have gotten to see that place. No one can take that away from me, no one can take my experiences and my memories. I'm going to Banff soon, and I've been there many times, but this is a new time and I can't wait to see what's there. What we will do, the experience we will have.

I love my husband and kids and I get so put off when people want our time because I just want to be with them. Holding them, talking to them. I can't get enough of them. I love my time alone when the kids are at school and my husband is at work, but I look forward to when they are back with me and they share what they did that day. Even though I wasn't with them, I want to hear about what they did, what they experienced. I just can't get enough.

Now please don't think I am unfulfilled, unsatisfied with life - it's quite the opposite. I am so in love with my life, I want to get as much out of it as I can. Everything that I do is something. I get to learn something new everyday, I get to see something new everyday. I finally understand what it is that I want when I say I want more. I would think that before, and even I didn't get what "more" I wanted, and now I know. I want to feel everything, pain, sadness, happiness, love. I want to take something from every experience and learn from it, grow from it.

It is so important to me to get more out of life - you have to be alive and do the things you do, you might as well enjoy it and take something from everything that you do. Now I don't get a lot from some things, laundry for example, comes to mind. But even that teaches me how to do it right, what not to do next time. I think that people who don't want more are the ones that are missing out.

It's not things that I want more of - ok, maybe more cute shoes or more cardigans (I LOVE cardigans). But I want to have all of those memories so that I can look back on my life and know that I didn't waste a minute away. I did everything that I could, I went on as many adventures, tried as many new things as I could. I can say that I have done all these things and learned something from every single thing that I have done. My life is so full because I dwell on all the things I have gotten to do, and I can keep those feelings and thoughts with me where ever I go. The good things stay with me, and the bad things - what I have learned not to do, that stays with me too. Every little thing that I have done and seen stays with me and makes me the unbreakable person that I am today.

I can't wait for the next little adventure that is as close as my laundry room and as far away as Europe. What will I learn next? I can't wait to find out!

Happy Anniversary to me and my husband!

Today marks the 14th wedding anniversary of myself and my husband. I am so happy to have made it this far, especially considering the rate of divorce everywhere. I cannot say that the last 14 years have all been happy, but we have made it through and we are so happy together now.

We got married when we were both 22. I have no idea what possessed up to get married so young. I think we both wanted to be "grown up" so bad that we rushed through our courtship and hurtled into marriage. I put the blame of that on me, I wanted to be married SO badly and I told my husband so. But really, he never should have asked me that early and I never should have said yes. We had so much growing up to do and it caused so many issues in our marriage.

We were married for just over a year when I (finally) got pregnant. I say finally, because we had been trying for over 9 months. So marriage wasn't enough, we had to add kids to that. A daughter and 4 years later we also had our son. I am not saying that's when the trouble started because I think we were a bit doomed to begin with, but that it when the trouble escalated.

I was at home with 2 kids, my husband was out trying to build his company and we drifted apart. We became 2 separate people too proud to ask each other for help. I didn't need him and he didn't want to help me. It should have ended there....but it didn't. We had a few rough years after that before we hit rock bottom. And that's when we started our road up together.

For the past few years we have been working on our marriage. Our marriage had been so broken that it took both of us to pick up the pieces together, and I am so thankful that we did. I am so in love with my husband, it is almost nauseating. I look forward to seeing him after work, I love our little date nights, and our mini dates. I love working around the house and the yard with him. I love that we share soccer as our favorite sport to play and watch. We just love to be together and I couldn't be happier about it. He is a better father to the kids, I am a better mother. I am an amazing wife, and he is the best husband a woman can ask for.

I am thankful that we had such hard time together, because it really has made our marriage stronger. We are grateful to have each other and we never take each other for granted anymore. We work together as a unit on everything and I wouldn't want it any other way. This morning he surprised me with 14 roses and I have planned a weekend away for just the two of us. We are just going to Banff, but we have the 2 days to ourselves, and we are going back up the gondola that he proposed on!

I never thought that marriage was going to be like this, so hard, so lonely, and then so fulfilling and joyful. I wish I could tell the world how amazing marriage can be if you just work on it together. We know now that we can make it through anything.

Is it naive not to believe in "dooms day"prophecies?

My husband is, once again, watching a dooms day prophecy show about comets and earthquakes, mudslides and volcanoes. He asks me, what would we do when/if that happens? I have no idea! I don't worry about crap like that. I have way too much other stuff to do and to worry about, I don't need to add that to my list!

He always watches those shows about Nostradamus and the Mayan calendar. First off, Nostradamus's prophecies are so obscure and broad ranged that they could apply to anything. "The tall shapes will light up the sky..." that lead to the September 11th tragedy. Really? Now I know that I am not quoting that saying right, but I could make some prophecies that are so general in nature, that they could apply to anything. "The paper will leave the hand and fall into darkness". Ok, tell me what that means!

If the world is hit with tragedy, I think I will just deal with it then. You can't always make a plan and hope that it will all work out. What if the world is falling apart and all that stuff you put in your "dooms day" kit doesn't actually help? Flashlights, food, water...what if it all evaporates and just people and ladybugs are left - what then?

I am not the eternal optimist, but I just think that those people who have a plan for these catastrophic events might just be preparing for nothing. And, hey, if they are prepared and I'm not, I'll just invite myself to their house. Don't get me wrong, I am not making fun of people that plan for that kind of thing, not at all. I am simply saying that I will worry about it when the time comes. If I thought about all the bad stuff that could happen, I'd just sit and watch movies while eating ice cream and chocolate and wait for it to happen!

There is always going to be something on TV or the news that says the world is going to end. Well, if that happens, then what should I worry about? I won't be here! How do you plan for that? I am just going to live my life, enjoy my life and not worry too much about all that stuff. If the Mayans are right, which I don't think that they are (just saying), then the world will end next year and all of this will be for nothing. The night before it all ends, I am going to eat all of my favorite foods, tell off all the people that need to be told off, tell my kids I love them, and make sure my husband knows that he is the love of my life.....oh wait, I already do that! Looks like I have prepared after all!

Look at me go...

to the doctor. Yup, I did it. I had to call the doctor's office as my husband is sick enough to go to the doctor. Trust me, that's shocking. He NEVER goes to the doctor - but his throat has hurt for days and his neck glands are swollen. He's been gargling with moonshine (please don't judge me by my husband's actions) and it hasn't cured him. I know, I know, but how do I explain the actions of an old world European man?

I called to get him an appointment and they had one that would work for me before I have my school council meeting tonight. I have no idea what the heck I am going to do about supper, and I don't really care right now. It seems like a good day for soup.

Off I go now to Costco to get chips for the Welcome Grade 7 lunch, and the teacher's BBQ for tomorrow. I have to pick up my pictures that I had done of myself and the work ones that I have to put up in my husband's office. Then I think I will take myself out to lunch (seems fitting as I am always "out to lunch"), and try to get the rest of my errands done. There is no rest for the wicked.

Am I stressed out?

I think my worst quality is my complete inability to read myself. I have perioral dermatitis around my mouth - and an eye twitch that have been hanging around for about 3 weeks! The dermatitis is like small pimples only they NEVER go away. I have been trying a glycolic acid, but so far, it's still there. I have looked up the eye twitch on the internet and everything I find comes back with an answer that I am tired and/or stressed.

Well I know I am tired, I am always tired, but am I stressed? I'm not sleeping well, the fist 2 weeks of school have been a bit hectic, but is that enough to make my eye twitch constantly for 3 weeks?

I am such a pain in the ass, I won't go to the doctor until I think things are bad. He'll probably tell me that the twitch will go away and he'll give me antibiotics for the dermatitis....but then I'd have to take time out of my busy schedule to go see him. I know - I am a stay at home Mom, but I swear, I do more now than I ever did when I was working. I am a stay at home Mom who is never at home. I think I am afraid to be home too long because the fact that I can nap is overwhelmingly tempting. Then I'd never get anything done.

So I come back to the question, why is it so hard to read myself? Maybe I am too hard on myself because I expect more from me. Sometimes I am a bit slow to realize that I have taken on too much and I just need to relax. Sometimes I have a week where a few days are hectic and that stresses me out so much that I can't relax on the days that aren't hectic. Ok, I get it, I am stressed out. Thank goodness this is a short school week, Thursday is the REALLY hectic day and then I have a 3 days weekend. Now I just need to calm down and take it day by day......can someone remind me to do that please?

Ug, I am going to finally clean the house.

I still haven't cleaned my house. I know it sounds so gross, but really, it's really not that bad, I swear!

My daughter and I were cooking supper tonight and I told her that I needed the house tidied by us by the end of the night so I would have an easier time cleaning tomorrow. I mentioned that I really haven't cleaned the house in a while. She said, what like, 2 weeks? No....more like a few months. And her comeback, "huh, I thought it was a bit messy". She hadn't even really noticed that the house wasn't clean! That's how not bad it is!

Like I said before, I do tidy and spot clean, but I am doing the full on clean tomorrow. With the exception of my daughter's room. We broke down and finally bought her a bedroom set and it will be here in a few weeks. She's been using my stuff that my husband and I bought before we were even married! And she had her own bed that we bought about 8 years ago, the one that I broke as I put it together, and broke further every time we moved it! It works, it's just missing "pretty" pieces. So I have to clear out her room before I can clean it and paint it. We get to get rid of a ton of stuff that she doesn't use - and I am being very brutal with what I get rid of. I can't stand the crap that we don't need or use.

I also have a bunch of stuff around the house that I can't wait to get rid of. I have a full bag in the den that is leaving soon, and I plan to have a lot more after that! My husband seems to think that he wants to move again. I don't really, but it can't hurt to get rid of shit that I wouldn't want to move anyway!

I have to go now - my husband has been watching the 9/11 stuff all week and he wants to chat about it. Happy Birthday to my Dad and cousin Brian - at least there are 2 good things that happened on September 11th!

Something that pisses me off

I hear this all the time, I have to lose weight to do this (insert activity here), I never could have done that when I was heavier. I need to to lose weight to be pretty, popular, better, blah, blah, blah. Quoted from Weight watcher's magazine - "....and how I will dress to hide myself, ....I never would have had that experience if I hadn't lost the weight."

Then I get to the other spectrum, I read an article about a lady who was a motivational speaker and was very overweight. She went around telling people to love themselves a they were. One woman in her audience asked her how she could possibly be healthy at that weight.

What I want to know is, what the hell? Does me being over weight make me unhealthy? Unable to do fun things, experience joy, exercise regularly???? I say no.

I know this for a fact. I see the doctor every year for my annual exam and I am in perfect health. Yes my weight may lead to issues in the future, but as people age, aren't we all at risk of something? Right now I am at the peak of health.

I also exercise regularly, in fact, I just ran the hill by my house three times today. How could I possibly do that while being fat? Well lets see, I put on my shoes, and I just run.

I am very happy in my life, I do all sorts of fun things. I can rock climb, I do obstacle courses in the sky, I play soccer, I run and go to the gym. I wear really cute bathing suits and look hot in them. Does being fat stop me from doing anything? Well wearing size 5 jeans yes, but anything that is important to me? Nope.

I just get so sick of all that shit out there that says we have to be thin to be happy. I say that you have to be happy first and then everything else will fall into place. It's like those people who get boob jobs. If you were happy before the boobs, then the boobs will just make you look a bit better to you - and that's great. If you were not happy, and had low self esteem before, guess what, bigger boobs don't come with self esteem! Losing weight does not automatically increase your self esteem either. I know lots of skinny women who don't have half the self esteem that I do.

Now you may ask, why do I have such good self esteem? Well who the hell knows! I just worked on it for years, fake it until you make it, I say, and it got to the point that my self esteem just can't be shaken. I've been through a lot in my life and really hard times just a few years ago, and my self esteem is at an all time high. I like who I am, I like how I look, I love to dress my body and look nice. I feel sorry for those people who can't get to where I am. But I know that it is possible.

I've had low self esteem, very low. People have to stop looking around them and comparing themselves to other's. I may not be a doctor, or a fashion designer, I can't build space ships and wear size 0 jeans. Big deal. I found what I am good at and I do it. I like what I see in the mirror, I like the example I am for my children, I am a good and honest person. If that's not enough for some people...if I have to be skinny to be liked by people, well then I say, piss on them. I don't need people like that in my life. I am happy just the way I am. Now if I do happen to lose weight, great, but if I don't, I not going to die wishing I had been thinner.

Nothing is easy for the unwilling..

I finally caved!

We just had a PVR installed yesterday.

I know that everyone probably already has a PVR and they are wondering what took me so long to get one. I tell you I was fighting it for a very long time. We don't watch a lot of TV and I didn't want to watch more. I felt that if we had a PVR that we would watch a lot more TV- and I don't know if that is true yet because we've only had it for less than 24 hours. I know that my son has already started using the PVR and is taping a series that he likes to watch. That's what happens when he gets up before me.

I'll tell you why I finally caved. It was a perfect storm of things - my husband decided that having a PVR so he could tape all of his soccer games would be a good idea. He wanted to pause the game and show us all a few tips on how to improve our game. I had just renewed my contract with Telus TV and was a little disappointed that we didn't get much in the deal. I had to add back some channels that we gave up in order to get a full soccer channel that turned out to be half soccer, half rugby. So I called Telus and asked them what they could do for me. They said that if I added a year to my 2 year contract, they could give me a free PVR for 3 years, and that's is where the ball dropped. I gave in, I succumbed. You put the word free in front of me and I lose all reason.

So we've got the PVR, my husband has his beloved soccer, I have Glee for me and the kids. I realized that I can watch what I want, when I want. I don't have to bow down in front of the TV and ask for something decent to watch. I have indoor soccer this season and I don't have to worry about missing my one and only favorite show, How I Met Your Mother. Yes, I have had to eat my works after saying that I'd never get a PVR, but I have had to eat my words a few times this week already. Like watching Sixteen Candles is appropriate it with the kids - it so wasn't. We stopped it 30 minutes in. But that's, another story.

Back to Routine?

I've gotten the kids off to school - the house is quiet and I am already back to work. But you are a stay at home Mom you say, what could I be doing?

That's the funny thing, I have never been so busy as I am as a stay at home Mom. I used to work part/full time and I let a lot of things slide. Now I do a lot more because I can. I have just updated the website that I built for an electrical company - it's a lot of work from time to time, but I am a bit of a perfectionist when it comes to that. I am on the computer a lot and I see the little things that make a website look bad. A lot of web site's are also not very up to date, this one is...now.

I have a list as long as my arm of all the things I want to do or get done. I wrote a list last night before I went to sleep, I wrote it in the dark and amazingly, I can read it! It has a few weird things on it, but I guess that's what happens when I am writing while half asleep.

I have today and tomorrow to start my plans, and next week, I am in full action mode. That means going back to the gym, painting, baking, organizing and getting rid of crap that I don't need or want. I am actually quite excited about it. I have been looking around the house for the past 2 months and noticing all the things that need to be done. But I am smart....I don't do any inside work when it is nice out. In Calgary, you don't get nice days often enough to just let them pass by.

September always feels like a new beginning for me. Its the time that everything is fresh and new and you can remake your life again, if you want. In my case, I don't want to remake my life this year, I just want to expand on the things about my life that I already love.

I feel energized and full of plans. I feel like I can do anything, I hope that feeling lasts and I don't need a nap at the end of the day! I figure if I just have a plan and I am organized, I won't get overwhelmed and not do anything.

So here's to September, here's to new ideas, back to the same old, same old, only with a fresh attitude.