Hello life!

I finally, FINALLY, have my life back!  For this week anyway.

Monday was a bit of a bust, but I think I got a few things done.  Yesterday the kids were home sick, but I still got stuff done.  Today, I have all day to get stuff done!  I got gas, because my gas light went on.  I normally don't leave it under half a tank, but I guess I was busy.  Then I washed the car in and out.  It looks so nice!

I have to update my devices, and keep going on the den.  One day, this room will be clean all the time! Maybe...

I am hoping to get enough of the den done to go to my room in the basement and get that under control.  Once I have all that stuff done, hopefully I can keep up with it and move on to the next projects!

This weekend I had a soccer tournament - we won bronze!  I played 4 games, the first game on Saturday I had a 10 minute shift!  Normal shifts are 30 seconds to 2 minutes.  I was a bit jello legged after that, but I still played well.

My husband tried to inject some chaos into my life again by wanting to go to Germany this weekend.  Yes, in 4 days.  We really wanted to go to the FC Barcelona vs Bayern Munich game in Munich, but we just can't get tickets.  Ok, we can, but they are $400 and up and we're not sure if we can even trust the ticket site as it is second party.  It would have been amazing!  I guess we'll try again another time.

I'm sure I could have pulled an overseas trip off in 4 days, I really am.  But I don't like last minute things.  I'm not really good at spontaneity.

The fundraiser for the school went well, well enough that I will do it again next year.  Behaviour modification therapy has also gone well.  I've learned a lot and know its time to put all of that into action!  A lot of it is day to day stuff, but there is some work I need to do too.  Making goals, having plans....that might take some time for me to figure out.

Overall I am feeling positive and excited about what is to come.  I am excited to get more crap out of my house.  I am looking forward to getting back to the gym to compliment what I already do in soccer. I am also looking forward to focusing on me for a little while.  What do I want to do, what my goals are, that sort of thing.  I am learning to say no, I am panicking less, I even answer the phone from time to time.  But I usually just hang up on people now.  It feels good!

On Friday, I spent the whole day at home working on my stuff.  After school, the kids asked me how my day was and I got to answer - awesome!  To be honest, it was awesome because not one person bugged me all day!  The phone didn't ring, no one asked me to do anything, and I didn't even get any texts!  It was a great day. (I am not anti social - but I do get to decide how much social interaction I have in a day, and I didn't want any that day!) Ha - behaviour modification in action!

Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren't.

RIP Margaret Thatcher

Does anyone have people they can count on?

I am having a very self pitying day today - so bear with me.

I'm going in for a little day surgery, nothing major, I'll be fine tomorrow - and no it's not cosmetic!  I wish....  I was asking my husband to take me to the hospital, he spoke aloud how busy his day was and I kind of jumped down his throat.  I told him I could take a cab if he couldn't find time for me.  He was upset that I thought that he wouldn't do it.  Of course he would do it, he was just making his plan out loud.  That was last night, and I let it go, until this morning.

I thought about who else I could ask so that my husband didn't have to mess up his day.  Do you know who I came up with?  NO ONE.  I don't have one friend that I feel I could ask to do this for me.  (I have sisters that are out of town that would, but it's just a ride, not an emergency)  My MIL?  I could ask her, but I'd never hear the end of it, and she'd want to know exactly what was going on, and she'd probably want to stay with me and I can't handle that.  On second thought, I'd probably have to drive her and myself there and she'd just have to find her way back home.

I know a big part of this is me, I am not big on being around a lot of people, and I really don't have a whole lot of trust in others.  But one friend that I could count on - and I couldn't come up with one.  It kind of made me sad.  I looked through my mental list of friends, and there wasn't anyone there that I would even think of asking.  I am not good at asking for help, and maybe that's why I don't have people in my life that would help me.  Maybe people would help me if I just asked.

I guess the question is, do I want friends that will help me?  Do I have anyone that could become a friend that would help?  I couldn't find one person that I feel like I could have that relationship with.

I readily admit that I keep myself at a distance from most people.  I don't trust them, I've been hurt or tricked, lied to, so many times before, I am not ready to throw myself at the mercy of other people.  I don't know if I am willing to put myself out there enough to have that kind of relationship with someone.

How do other people do it?  Do they just trust easily?  Or do they have people that they have learned to trust - and where did they find those people?

I am sure 2013 is my quest year.  I am on a quest to find myself, and to find answers.  What do I want, what do I need, how can I be a better person?  Do I have to trust other's to be a better person?  Scary thoughts.

I have been so busy the last few weeks - and tomorrow is the end of one project - the big project.  I feel like I can get my life back after that.  That just means that I will hermit away in my house, painting, cleaning and organizing - all the while thinking about what I really want.  It's funny how I see all that work as a break - but that is when I do my best thinking!

Finding my way

Trying to find my place in the world - I'm not sure how long this has been going on, looking back on it, it's been a while.  Maybe when I quit working, maybe when I had kids, maybe I've never known.  I am struggling with what my role is.  I know that I am a Mom, and a great one, I know that I volunteer, occasionally clean the house and do household chores.  I do a lot of errands, I have a lot of appointments for my feet and sleep issues, I have a lot of meetings and spend a lot of time at the school.  But what is my purpose, my role, my designation?  What am I?

A stay at home Mom, yes.  A volunteer, yes.  But what else.  And why do I even care?

As a man, the father, the husband, the bread winner - my husband knows what his role is.  He works, he brings in money, he is the male role model for the kids, he cleans my oven (because I refuse to), he kills the big spiders, he does all the measuring and cutting of things.  His role is very clearly defined.

As the Mother, the female role model, I am doing a good job.  I know what my duties in that position are.  I know that there are things that I now need to give up and pass over to the kids to ensure they leave my home and can function on their own in the future.  I know that I am the one that does the cleaning and the cooking, I do the errands, set the mouse traps, call the bank, pay the bills.  And that's all fine, I don't mind all that.  But what else?  Should there be something else?  I think so.

I don't want to have my kids leave me in a few years and have nothing to do.  But more than that, I want to know that I am somehow productive and valued as a person.  What do people see me as?  Do I care?  No, I don't really care what other's think of me.  This is all coming from within.  I have no pressure from anyone to "be" something.  It's all me, I want to know that I am doing something of value.

I know that raising my kids is the most valuable thing I can be doing.  But I have to have other things so that my kids know that I am not just here for them to take advantage of, not that they do, but that I have a life outside of them.  I am not strictly "just a Mom".  Not that there is anything wrong with just being a Mom, but it doesn't fill my whole day with the kids in school.

It's a whole lot of inner turmoil.  I just want to be productive, I want tangible proof that I am doing things of value and merit, even if they are valuable to only me.  I wrote a list of the things I currently do in a day, and the things I'd rather be doing.  It was kind of an eye opener.  Turns out I'd rather be painting my bedroom than doing a whole lot of other things!

I think it's time to put my foot down, stop letting other people intrude on my life and what I want to be doing.  I have to stop saying yes and start saying no, I'm busy, and you'll have to wait because I do have a life you know!  I don't know when I started letting other people's things dictate my life, but I don't like it, and it has to stop now.

First step - I have to decide what I am doing!

Telephonophobia

I have been looking up the fear of talking on the telephone, and it has a name.  Telephonophobia.  That's so much fun to say!  I do not have this affliction, I thought I might so I looked it up.  Telephonophobia is a reluctance or fear of making or taking phone calls, literally, "fear of telephone(thanks wikipedia).  It would seem that I do have that, but after a quick survey on whether I do or not, I answered too many questions as no, so maybe I just have a reluctance, not an actual phobia.  

Now why on earth am I talking about this?  I guess because it hit me the other day that I was putting off phone calls and actually feeling anxious about making them.  Honestly, I absolutely HATE talking on the phone.  I'm not sure why.  I don't care if I call people at a bad time, I don't worry about awkward pauses, those were some of the questions asked on the questionnaire, and now I can't find it, so I can't tell you what the other things were.  All I remember is that I only answered yes to 2 out of 10.

I can talk to people just fine in person, I can email and text people without issue, it's just the phone.  Sometimes I think that I will get stuck on the phone and won't be able to get off.(which is silly, I can just hang up on people. I don't, but I could.  I can't run away from people in person, I could, but then they might think I need to be institutionalized!) Sometimes talking is just too much effort and I just don't have it in me to be coherent.  I can talk to my husband on the phone without issue, but there have been times that I've told him that I need to get off the phone because I just don't want to talk on the phone anymore.  He loves to talk to me on the phone, it drives me crazy.  I can hardly hear him half the time, and the other half, he has people talking to him in the background or his radar detector is going off in his car.  He has bluetooth and I can hear everything in the car around him...horns honking, wind if the window is open, and sometimes just the static alone makes me want to reach through the phone and punch him.  Instead of doing that, I just make him let me go.  

I am absolutely sure that I don't have this phobia as I spoke on the phone all morning without issue.  I called a bunch of people about a fundraiser, spoke to 3 different people, one for at least a half hour.  I called to book a hotel room for a soccer tournament, I called 311 regarding some vehicles that have been parked on my street for MONTHS, and haven't moved once.  I even answered my cell phone when it rang with an unknown number.  It was a friend calling from her work number, but I didn't know that and answered anyway. I don't normally do that.  At home, when the phone rings, I make other people answer.  I don't answer any calls from 1-888, or 800 numbers, nothing that I think might be a telemarketer.  I will answer calls from RBC, but anything unknown or that I don't recognize, it's going to voicemail.  If it's important, they'll leave a message.  

That all being said, if you call me and I don't answer, its because I am not home, or I really just don't want to talk on the phone.  It's not you, it's me!  If I don't answer, leave a message.  If you don't, I won't call you back.  I'm serious!  (Unless you are my sister, I'll call her back. She already knows I have issues!)  Tell me why you are calling, what exactly do you want from me?  You want to just chat, then don't bother calling, I don't do that. (I will chat for hours in person though) Do you have a question or problem?  Ok, I will talk, but not for too long!  And even then, text me, email me, I answer those really quickly!  I also don't like to call places that have inept people answering their phones.  If you work at that company, know your damn job or don't answer the phone.  (those people I can also handle in person, because I can make the face at them so they know that I think they are inept.)

I think I've said this before, but my time is very precious to me.  I find talking on the phone a huge waste of time and I don't want to do it, and you can't make me!  I really am not trying to be a cow, but I feel very strongly about this topic.  So if I don't like talking on the phone, why make me?  I'm not going to be all that nice to talk to.  Shoot me an email, have a coffee with me, just please, don't call me.

I can see the end of the long road

After the past year, the mass amounts of doctor visits, I feel like I can finally see the end.  It's not soon mind you, but it is there, in the somewhat near future.

Over the past few months, I have seen at least one doctor every week, some weeks up to 3.  It makes for a very busy life.  I always joke that I have a part time stretching my calves(the feet issue) and now it feels like I also have a part time visiting doctors.  What a great job, or hobby to have.  Although I always learn something from every visit, I am very happy to see the end of the constant visits.  I am starting to feel like a hypochondriac!  I should get a frequent visitor card and have a chance to win prizes.  But then everyone would want to go to the doctor.  And some people should....Ok, I have to stop this now before I show you that place in my brain that takes some really weird tangents.  You wouldn't believe the things that I can come up with and connect in my head.

I don't have to see the sleep doctor until April as the medication that I am currently on is working really well.  I feel pretty good!  I have to see the oral appliance doctor next week, but even that is going well.  One night I thought it might be nice to take a break from wearing the appliance over night - I didn't sleep well at all!  I don't actually mind the appliance, it's just not the most attractive thing ever, and it makes my dry mouth even worse.  I saw my family doctor today and he is good with everything that we've got going on.  The anti-depressants....or chemical stabilizers as I like to call them, are working well.  (except for yesterday.  I damn near had a panic attack just thinking about using the phone...but that's another story)  My feet feel like they are on the mend, my jaw is just about back into place, my hip feels good after I get a few pops and clicks out.  Oh good lord, I really am a mess aren't I?!

Life is looking good though.  I feel like I am learning things about myself, I feel like I am growing as a person, and I find that I am learning how to self heal.  You know, taking the right medications and vitamins, stretching, positive affirmations and all that.  I really do have a great life.

I think I'd like to go back to the hypnotherapist and learn more about myself and how to improve myself.  Always learning and growing as a person, that is my goal.  Once you stop, I think you start to die. (pleasant aren't I)  But really, if you go through life doing the same thing, you never learn anything new.  You never give yourself the chance to see what else you are capable of.  Take soccer, I never thought that I would ever play a sport, much less compete in one.  And here I am, doing that, and getting better all the time!  The other night I played up for the premiere team again.  They are still in their seeding round and were playing against an even higher level team.  I just about threw up a few times in the game, I ran so hard and pushed myself beyond what I thought I was capable of.  And it was awesome!  We lost, but it was still amazing and totally fun!

I wish I could go back in time and give my younger self a shake.  Tell her to start learning now!  Tell her to push herself, do new things, want more from life.  I'm happy that I have done what I have done, but if I had started earlier, I'd be so much further ahead.  But that's ok, I am happy, I am on a good path and I don't see myself slowing down anytime soon.

In response to Real Simple's article on how to spend time alone.

I've said this before, I will say it again.  I read, a lot.  I just can't get enough.  Books, magazines, it doesn't matter, I need to read.

While perusing the January issue of Real Simple, I read a piece inside the article "10 Things your Mother never taught you".  I can't comment on that specifically, as I am sure that there are more than 10 things in life that my Mother never taught me.  No offence to my Mom, but she never taught me how to complain and get my way - I learned that the hard way.  She also never taught me how to use a computer, how to get vomit out of clothes, and how to mix drinks.  And those little tidbits weren't in that article!  She did however teach me how to be independent, how to do laundry....after I bitched too many times about how she didn't wash my clothes quick enough.  She kind of taught me how to drive, I already knew by the time she took me out, but she supervised.  She taught me how to clean a bathroom properly, how to make chocolate cake and how to answer the phone in a professional manner.  Those are important things.  But I digress...

The topic I am trying to get to is the bit called "How to spend time alone".  Now this, being alone, I am very good at this.  I LOVE being alone.  I love my kids and my husband, but being alone keeps me sane.  The thing that got me about this article was "Unless a person has a lot of psychological tools at her disposal, the mind is not a pleasant place to inhabit", it also stated that "We have evolved for survival, not happiness, and thus we have a natural tendency to focus on the negative".  I for one, do not agree.  I love being alone with my thoughts.  The first thought is always.....I have an hour alone!!!!  What can I do in one hour that will make me the happiest?

The answer is read, most of the time anyway.  Whether it is a book, or even reading stupid things on the Internet - all the funny stuff I search for on pintrest, looking at facebook stuff.  Whatever will make me the happiest at that moment wins.  Sometimes I do cleaning and laundry, get all the boring stuff done.  But I know that being alone is the best part of my day some days.

What do other people do and think about when they are alone?  I think about what I want for the future, what I want to watch on TV, what I think about things that are happening in my life, what could I do to make my life better?  I also think about what needs to be done around the house, what errands I need to do and what project I can dream up next.  I don't dwell on negative crap - it is such a waste of time.  And honestly, if you can't be alone with your own thoughts, how can you stand yourself?  I'm sorry, but if you are so pathetic that you can't be alone, who would ever want to be that person with you so you are not alone?

I've recently realized that I am not really anti social, as those who know me have always thought.  I am an introvert.  Ok, have your laugh, but it's true.  Sometimes, when I am feeling not so great - when I am tired, or my medication isn't working, I don't even want to talk to people.  I dread it!  Not for reason's that you might think, only god knows what that might be!  I just find that some people take up too much of my time, and I have a hard time walking away, or telling people that I have to go.  Therefore, I sit there, and listen to people drone on about shit that I don't care about.  And there are so many things that I just don't care about!

When I am feeling better, more like how I am supposed to feel, I can remind myself that I have the choice to walk away from people, to stop them from taking up my time.  I also have earphones that I can shove in my ears to drive people away!

Another point in this article is the difference between being alone privately and alone publicly.  My Mom, funny that she really did teach me this, told me to learn how to eat alone.  She never did, well the last time we talked about this she hadn't.  She hated to eat alone, she thought it would be a brave thing to be able to be alone in public and not ashamed of it.  That is the best lesson my Mom ever taught me.  I LOVE to eat alone.  Yes I bring a book, mainly because I love to read, but also so that people don't try to talk to me.  I don't want them to!  I am not sad to be alone, I am thrilled!  I also shop alone, go to movies alone...and yes, laugh my ass off or cry if I want to.  I'm not sure if there is anything that I don't or can't do alone.

Maybe I am unusual, ok, I know I am, but in this way specifically.  When I am out alone, I don't think (or care) if people are looking at me.  I don't care what they think about me being alone.  I am happy about it, I am more than content and I am never bored alone.  My mind can occupy me for hours.  When the kids are at school and I am home alone, I don't watch TV, I don't talk on the phone.  Sometimes I listen to music, but for the most part, it's just me and my mind having a very pleasant time.

So I say to you - writer of this article in Real Simple.  Pull your head out of your ass.  If you truly believe that the "mind is not a pleasant place to inhabit", you have some real issues and maybe you shouldn't be telling other people what to do if you can't even stand to be alone with yourself!  I wonder how other people feel about that.  And if you don't like to be alone, why not?  Maybe you should get to a point where being alone is not only something you can do, it's something that you like to do.  To love your own company, that is a great thing.