Just doing it

I finally, FINALLY, painted my master bedroom!!!  It only took me a year and half!  I started last week, on Thursday I think.  It really didn't take that long, a day and a half, and it looks amazing!

So yes, the room is messy before and after, and I haven't gotten any pictures up on the walls yet.  But the point is, it is painted, and all the outlet and switch covers are even back on!  It's a whole lot brighter in there now.

I am trying really hard to stop procrastinating.  I am getting stuff done, not avoiding things.  I tidy the house when I have a few minutes.  I answer most emails in a timely fashion.  I want to add that I painted the room even though I was working on the school fundraiser AND soccer intake.  

I am trying really hard - and I feel a lot better not having things weigh on me. I just have to remind myself of that.  It's better to deal with the crappy stuff right away, otherwise it just sits there on my shoulders.  I have even become a little more blunt.  If that was even possible.  

As a leader - no I didn't choose to be a leader, but I am one of those people that just gets themselves into leading things because other people won't - I was very reluctant.  I would be wishy washy, and I HATE it when people are like that, so it made me angry at myself.  I decided that if I am going to lead, whether I wanted to or not, I will be firm and decisive.  Who cares if people don't think I am nice?  The husband said just last night that I am too nice anyway and nice doesn't get shit done.  

So there it is, Just Doing It, my new motto.  I may not be doing it perfectly, but its good enough, and unless someone is paying me for perfect, good enough is good enough for me.

Now what?

For the past few years, I have been on a journey of personal growth.  How's it going?  Well that depends on who you ask.  If you ask me, I am just treading water, trying to keep afloat.

I know that all the pressure I feel to be a certain way, to do certain things, it all comes from within.  I don't have a lot pressure from outside forces.  Sure, I have school council and soccer commitments, but the pressure I feel from these things would be dramatically less if I could just let some things go.  If I could stop worrying about writing that email, and just get it done!  Procrastination is my biggest challenge.  The longer I hold things off, the more pressure I feel to do them, the more pressure I feel to do them, the more I want to hold it off!  I wrote a school council email just a few minutes ago, and it feels good to have that off my plate.  Then, the stress of all the emails that might come from that...that gets to me.  Yes, communication with other people is a real issue for me!

I guess I just need to remind myself to breathe, and not worry about it so much.

I was talking to my sweet husband last night, and as I was telling him the stress I was feeling, I realized how silly it was.  No one is making me do the things I think I should be doing.  I am the one that thinks up these crazy ideas, like how the house should be spotless (it never is), and how my little projects need to be done (they never are).  I should be looking at these projects as something I'd like to do, not that I have to do.

By the way, the sweet husband thinks the house looks just fine.  Maybe he needs glasses?  But if he doesn't care that much, why should I?  He said I should write down 10 things I want to get done in the next 30 days.  What did I do?  Instant panic!  10 things???  30 days???  That sounds an awful lot like a deadline!  But maybe if I set a deadline it would get done?  Like the painting of my bedroom, yup, that is still not done!  I did move the paint to the bedroom.  Then I moved it to another spot in the bedroom. I like painting, why am I not doing this?  It will look so nice!

But I put it off.  Then instead of doing all the things I want to do, I sit on the ipad at night looking for new ideas.  Yes, I realize how dumb that is.  I have all these great ideas, I build up the supplies, and then I don't do them.  I am all about excuses.  Well I can't do it in one day, where do I have 2 days I could do this?  Nowhere, ok, guess it won't happen then.  OR...I was going to do this today but then someone needed me to do something else, so I did that instead.  Why can't I just put myself first?  Why do I put off the things I really want to do?

My husband said that he is always "putting out fires" - doing the things that people are asking about right now.  That's the same for me.  (He's not a fireman, but I did just picture him as a fireman...hot!) Anyway.....I am always putting stuff off to do other stuff.  I really need to just get some shit done, tell other people that they can wait.  I need a schedule.

I wish there was a way that I could tell that one day was ending and a new day was starting.  You know, like it gets light and then dark, that would be super helpful.

In other words, I need to get my shit together.  I need to figure out what my shit is, and what I want my shit to be.  What is important?  What can I let go of, and I mean really let go - not just not do it, but not even think about doing it, and letting go of the stress and the guilt that I should be doing it.

I've let go of some "friendship" stress, that felt great.  I had coffee with 2 real friends, and it felt so nice to be with people that I actually liked.  I've stopped spending so much time with "time suckers".

I think a big struggle is that I have had a schedule all of my life, and the I have really struggled the last 7 years without that structure.  I think that I don't like structure, so I avoid it, but I think that if I just instilled some structure, that would actually help me.  It's like the old budget debate.  But that is another story.

So, the plan is, get my shit together.  Find out what my shit is first.  This whole idea, it somehow doesn't feel new.  It feels like I've been here before....

Is getting sick good for you?

I am fully aware that getting sick builds up antibodies that protect your body from getting that illness again, and enables your immune system to become stronger.  But that's not where I am going with this.

I have been sick for a little over a week.  Last week was nausea and the sweats, Sunday was pure exhaustion, and for the last few days I have had a sinus thing, I've lost my voice and feel just like complete crap.

But.....yesterday I felt that my brain at least was recovering.  I, for some strange reason, had some wonderful new ideas for my yard. This is odd because there is a few feet of snow on the ground, its been there for weeks and it shows no signs of going away.  But my brain had hope and was looking ahead to spring.  The best news was that my brain had decided to step away from the sick fog and have some thoughts and ideas again.

It happened again this morning.  Now I have already forgotten what those particular ideas were, but I have hope that they will come back to me.  Yesterday I wrote down my ideas before I forgot them.  Give me a break, I've been sick!

I think that when a person gets sick, along with the purging of all the snot (sorry, I know it's gross, but it's true and you know it), you also purge things in your brain that you don't need.  Mine come out my nose, very handy!  Maybe it's just me, but after I have been sick, I get to the point where I can feel the sickness lifting, and I feel fresher, more engaged, and a lot more positive about what is going on in my life.  It really is like a cleanse.

Anyway, maybe it's just me.  All I know is that I dread getting sick, I hate being sick, but at the end of it, I get really excited about not being sick, and think of all the things that I could be doing.  I am still going to hermit myself in the house for at least today, maybe the rest of the week, just in case.  But after that, I am sure I will have a to do list the length of my arm, and I will be really happy to get all those things done.

Who knows, maybe I'll have a mental breakthrough and decide what I want to be when I grow up too! (at the verge of 39, you'd think I'd know by now, but I don't)

Saturday Night's all right for fighting!

So is a Tuesday afternoon.

Unfortunately I didn't get a fight....and I was so prepared!  I am so sick of people complaining about shit to me that I have no control over.  How about instead of complaining, do something about it!

If you don't like what you've got, why don't you change it?  (And other great 80's songs are just floating around in my head)

Do you think that I like everything that I have to do?  I don't, but there are some things that you just have to pull up your big girl panties and deal with.  I don't want to clean my house, but I want a clean house.  I don't want to fund raise, but I don't want my kids to not get the opportunities that they should be getting.  I don't want to talk to parents about fundraising, or about anything really.  If you have so little in life to do but complain about stuff, then I don't want to talk to you at all.

Life really shouldn't be so painful.  Get the crap done and enjoy the good stuff.  You don't have any good stuff?  Not my problem - go talk to someone who cares.

I am tired of people thinking that they can walk all over me.  I try really hard not to be a bitch, because I don't think it's necessary.  But if I have to be a bitch, well, then I guess I will be.  But I will pull out the bitch only when needed, and try to be nice the rest of the time.  I just don't have the energy to keep up the bitch like I used too.  But I have to hand it to her, the bitch gets stuff done.

There's my rant for today.  If anyone is looking for a fight, I've still got some fight in me.  But after that, I am taking a well deserved nap!  Being sick makes me a little more goal oriented I think.

Can I run away?

And why do I feel like I need to ask permission to run away?  I never did as a kid, I just left.  That's the point of running away!

I'm not having a breakdown....I don't think. I just feel like I could really use a vacation, by myself.

I yelled at the kids this morning, which makes them have a bad start to the day, and then I feel like crap for doing it.  They just don't appreciate what I do for them.  Even the things that I don't do for them, I still have to tell them to do it!  I almost picked up a pile of my son's soccer stuff last night to put away, my husband told me to leave it and make my son take care of it.  Nice idea, but then I go to the laundry room to see my husband's crap all over the place in there!  If I don't clean it up, then I have to step over it all the time.  Where do I draw the line?  Do I yell at him - which will then make him say that he has barely anything lying around and if that's how I want to be, he'll clean up his stuff and no one else's......which would mean what?  That all would be normal, because he still wouldn't clean up his stuff and his shit would still be all over the place anyway!

So I'm thinking Germany for my solo vacation!  But the problem is the weather, I don't want to go from crappy weather here to crappy weather there.  Then I think about someplace sunny.  Where could I go that would be sunny, I'd feel safe walking around all over the place alone...and then lets get realistic, I couldn't do it.  My family would die without me.

They'd miss all their soccer games and practices because no one would be there to make sure they know what's going on each day, instead of doing laundry, my husband would just make them all re wear their clothes, underwear included.  They'd eat out every day because no one even knows how to make toast, then they'd get diarrhea or constipation due to all the crap they'd been eating, they'd die from that, or sugar coma's!  If they somehow made it through all of that, my daughter would stop leaving the house because I am not there to fix her hair or make-up, all of my son's teeth would fall out because he can't remember to brush them, my husband would forget that he had kids and just go play soccer all day and night, then smoke himself to death afterwards.

Now I realize I might sound a little bitter.  That sounds about right.

I know what you are thinking, why not make them do things for themselves?  What the heck do you think I have been trying to do???  Or maybe you are thinking that I should get a job to have something for me.  Well no thanks.  I do not want to work for some dipshit that just makes me feel the same way I do at home.  No one could pay me enough to go back to that.

Stay at home Mom's have a difficult position.  (Please don't think that I think working Mom's have it any easier - I know they don't, I've been there too.)  But since I am here, now, this is how I feel.  I don't have a job, so my job is to take care of the house and the kids and the husband, do the errands, and all the crap that needs to get done.  But if I do it all, what am I teaching my kids AND my husband?  That they have a nice little slave?  Then if I don't do it, well then I am not doing my part.  Bahhh! I just can't win.

I just want a little appreciation, and really, some time off.  Even vacation with them isn't time off because I still have to remind them to do stuff and clean up their crap.  Yes, a solo vacation is my dream.  I think I am just going to have to make it a reality.  The only question then is....how long can I go away for that will give me enough time to calm down, and the family enough time to learn how to do shit on their own?

What's your closet?

My closet?  I'm a crier, I'm super emotional.  I try to stifle it, I try to be discreet, I try to breathe through it....but all the while, my body is shaking, I start to make little squeaky noises.  I try so hard to be a cute little dainty crier, but I just can't do it.  I sob, I breathe loudly, I sniffle.  I     just     cry.

Ok, maybe that's just the closet door.  My closet is that I am affected so deeply by all of the things around me.  I try to step back, not be touched by the things that go on around me, and I just can't.

The love for my kids, that makes me cry more than I can tell you.  My kids would tell you.  Mom, are you going to cry?  Yes, kid, yes I am.  And it's ok to cry.  I just love them so much, my body is so filled and overflows with love for them.  I want to hold them and kiss them forever, I want to keep them with me all the time.  But I can't.  They seem to think they "need" to go to school!  So....I cry.  And they cry with me, because they have the same feelings towards me.

The sadness around me, the hope, the fear, the people reaching out, that gets to me.  I can't be there for everyone.  I have to pick and choose who I can feel for.  Most, are not deserving.  They want.  Yes, that's it, they just WANT.  They don't need, they want approval, they want love, but they don't need it, they just think it should be theirs.  They don't want to work for it, they wouldn't appreciate it.  Everyday I have to stop myself from caring about everything because it would just break me.

So I cry.  I cry because I can't make other's see what I see, and I can't give them what they need.  The ones that get it, they cry with me.  Not unhappy tears, the happy, fulfilled, overflowing tears that you just can't stop.  The crying because a song is just so beautiful, the crying that a person just said something that makes absolute sense, the crying because I know that someone else gets it.

I can't stop it, but one day, I hope to control it a little better.  I do not look good even after a little cry.  I turn all red, my nose is stuffy and hurts, my eyes just won't focus.

Upworthy got me again this morning - a post that made me be able to put more words to how I am feeling, and why.  The more I know that other people get it, the more I cry.  It's nice to be able to express how I feel in words instead of tears, even if they aren't my words.  One day I'd like to be able to just express myself instead of crying, instead of holding back all the time.

Upworthy - Ash Beckham

Rules to Live by

Be Authentic
Be Direct
Be Unapologetic

I just want everyone to want more

I am sitting here at my computer, I'd come home after dropping the kids at school so that I could do my banking, and remember to wear my wedding ring before I go tan and finish up my Christmas shopping.  Luckily I also just remembered to take my medication too!

I had an extra few minutes, so of course I checked the Internet, logged into facebook to see what everyone was up to as it is too cold out to see anyone outside!  The fist link on facebook was to Upworthy - and I didn't know it at the start, but apparently I needed a good little cry.  Just take a look if you might need a cry too.

http://www.upworthy.com/watch-a-teenager-bring-his-class-to-tears-just-by-saying-a-few-words-2?c=reccon1

http://www.upworthy.com/watch-a-student-totally-nail-something-about-women-that-ive-been-trying-to-articulate-for-37-years-6?c=reccon1

I'm not crying because I am sad, I am crying because I just want more.

I've said that for the longest time, I want more.  What is it that you want? People ask me, my Mother, my husband.  I want more time, I want to see more, I want to feel more, I want to do more.  I want everyone I see to want more, more honesty, more real conversations.

It's not enough for me to talk about trivial things, maybe that is why I avoid people so much.  I want to talk about what really matters.  What are you feeling?  What do you dream about?

I want to hold my kids, I want to hear what they do, what they want to do, how they think, what happens in their minds.

What does my husband think about?  Does he have deep thoughts?  And why does he feel so afraid to share them with me?

My honesty is seen as rude - I am nosy.  I don't want to know these things because I want to judge you, I want to know these things so that I know you.  I am afraid to ask these questions for so many reasons.  People are afraid of what I want from them, why do I want to know?  I am simply curious, I think we all hide behind what we are supposed to be like, what we want people to see.

I've said it before, and now that I have accepted it, I will say it more.  I am awkward.  I am not embarrassed about this.  I fell on my butt last night in front of a bunch of 11 year olds, and I was ok with them laughing.  I wanted them to.  I fall, I say weird things, that is just who I am, and I will not hide that.  For the most part, I am honest, I am exactly what you see.  If I am being shallow and not being my true self, I think it is because you may not be able to handle me, and you are not being honest, or capable of being your true self with me.  And that's ok, not everyone can be that open.  It's scary.

It took me a long time to get here, and now that I am, I am ok with being just how I am.  I will cry at weird things, I will fall, I will say strange things, I will ask weird questions.  But when I am like that, that's me, and I will not let anyone make me feel bad about that.

I have a hard time pushing others to be honest.  I don't like to be confrontational, I won't call you out on your mistakes unless I have to.  But me, I will tell you what I did wrong, how can I fix things if I can't admit that I did something wrong?  I feel so out of place with people, and it's not because I don't care, its because I care too much and I have been let down so many times.  When you are ready to be real, that's when you can handle me, and that is where I really shine.