What's your closet?

My closet?  I'm a crier, I'm super emotional.  I try to stifle it, I try to be discreet, I try to breathe through it....but all the while, my body is shaking, I start to make little squeaky noises.  I try so hard to be a cute little dainty crier, but I just can't do it.  I sob, I breathe loudly, I sniffle.  I     just     cry.

Ok, maybe that's just the closet door.  My closet is that I am affected so deeply by all of the things around me.  I try to step back, not be touched by the things that go on around me, and I just can't.

The love for my kids, that makes me cry more than I can tell you.  My kids would tell you.  Mom, are you going to cry?  Yes, kid, yes I am.  And it's ok to cry.  I just love them so much, my body is so filled and overflows with love for them.  I want to hold them and kiss them forever, I want to keep them with me all the time.  But I can't.  They seem to think they "need" to go to school!  So....I cry.  And they cry with me, because they have the same feelings towards me.

The sadness around me, the hope, the fear, the people reaching out, that gets to me.  I can't be there for everyone.  I have to pick and choose who I can feel for.  Most, are not deserving.  They want.  Yes, that's it, they just WANT.  They don't need, they want approval, they want love, but they don't need it, they just think it should be theirs.  They don't want to work for it, they wouldn't appreciate it.  Everyday I have to stop myself from caring about everything because it would just break me.

So I cry.  I cry because I can't make other's see what I see, and I can't give them what they need.  The ones that get it, they cry with me.  Not unhappy tears, the happy, fulfilled, overflowing tears that you just can't stop.  The crying because a song is just so beautiful, the crying that a person just said something that makes absolute sense, the crying because I know that someone else gets it.

I can't stop it, but one day, I hope to control it a little better.  I do not look good even after a little cry.  I turn all red, my nose is stuffy and hurts, my eyes just won't focus.

Upworthy got me again this morning - a post that made me be able to put more words to how I am feeling, and why.  The more I know that other people get it, the more I cry.  It's nice to be able to express how I feel in words instead of tears, even if they aren't my words.  One day I'd like to be able to just express myself instead of crying, instead of holding back all the time.

Upworthy - Ash Beckham

Rules to Live by

Be Authentic
Be Direct
Be Unapologetic

I just want everyone to want more

I am sitting here at my computer, I'd come home after dropping the kids at school so that I could do my banking, and remember to wear my wedding ring before I go tan and finish up my Christmas shopping.  Luckily I also just remembered to take my medication too!

I had an extra few minutes, so of course I checked the Internet, logged into facebook to see what everyone was up to as it is too cold out to see anyone outside!  The fist link on facebook was to Upworthy - and I didn't know it at the start, but apparently I needed a good little cry.  Just take a look if you might need a cry too.

http://www.upworthy.com/watch-a-teenager-bring-his-class-to-tears-just-by-saying-a-few-words-2?c=reccon1

http://www.upworthy.com/watch-a-student-totally-nail-something-about-women-that-ive-been-trying-to-articulate-for-37-years-6?c=reccon1

I'm not crying because I am sad, I am crying because I just want more.

I've said that for the longest time, I want more.  What is it that you want? People ask me, my Mother, my husband.  I want more time, I want to see more, I want to feel more, I want to do more.  I want everyone I see to want more, more honesty, more real conversations.

It's not enough for me to talk about trivial things, maybe that is why I avoid people so much.  I want to talk about what really matters.  What are you feeling?  What do you dream about?

I want to hold my kids, I want to hear what they do, what they want to do, how they think, what happens in their minds.

What does my husband think about?  Does he have deep thoughts?  And why does he feel so afraid to share them with me?

My honesty is seen as rude - I am nosy.  I don't want to know these things because I want to judge you, I want to know these things so that I know you.  I am afraid to ask these questions for so many reasons.  People are afraid of what I want from them, why do I want to know?  I am simply curious, I think we all hide behind what we are supposed to be like, what we want people to see.

I've said it before, and now that I have accepted it, I will say it more.  I am awkward.  I am not embarrassed about this.  I fell on my butt last night in front of a bunch of 11 year olds, and I was ok with them laughing.  I wanted them to.  I fall, I say weird things, that is just who I am, and I will not hide that.  For the most part, I am honest, I am exactly what you see.  If I am being shallow and not being my true self, I think it is because you may not be able to handle me, and you are not being honest, or capable of being your true self with me.  And that's ok, not everyone can be that open.  It's scary.

It took me a long time to get here, and now that I am, I am ok with being just how I am.  I will cry at weird things, I will fall, I will say strange things, I will ask weird questions.  But when I am like that, that's me, and I will not let anyone make me feel bad about that.

I have a hard time pushing others to be honest.  I don't like to be confrontational, I won't call you out on your mistakes unless I have to.  But me, I will tell you what I did wrong, how can I fix things if I can't admit that I did something wrong?  I feel so out of place with people, and it's not because I don't care, its because I care too much and I have been let down so many times.  When you are ready to be real, that's when you can handle me, and that is where I really shine.

2 for me!

Maybe even 3!

Being cryptic is not my strong suit, I must explain myself.

I finished what I was supposed to do on the website I was working on, and I am writing on my blog again, twice in 2 days!  The third one is that I played a game last night!

Yes, it's true, I impress myself easily!

I think the sick kid is on the mend, I have been awake all day and haven't even thought about taking a nap, I will get the other kid to try on her shorts and bathing suits to see if we need to buy anything for our trip to Mexico, and the house is kind of clean!  Yay me!

I am hoping that I get to get some stuff done next week - aside from the appointments that I and the kids have, a few trips to the school, and a bunch of soccer things.....you know, the stuff I am always doing no matter what.  I am trying hard to get to the stuff that I want to do.  No, I can't just go do it.  All that other stuff needs my attention before I feel like I have time for my interests.

A stay at home Mom's job is never done.

(ps...my spell check has gone missing, so if I spelled anything wrong...well then I missed it and I can just tell you that I really do know how to spell, I just can't always prove it!)

Surprise! I'm still unorganized!

I've been at home with a sick kid all week, and I haven't done much of anything.  Well of course I have done tons of things, but never the stuff I think I should be getting done!

The hardwood floors are complete throughout the main floor.  The living/Lego room and dining room have been dusted and arranged.  But that's about it, I still have a ton of dust everywhere else.  I did get the upstairs clean last week, so that's something.

Today I've been tidying, bring the sick one drinks and taking his temperature.  I've also been updating my husband's website and adding a photo gallery.  That is taking a lot longer than I wanted - the slide show has been saving for 5 minutes already!

Other than that, the last few weeks have been filled with doing the hardwood, managing the U12 boys team, starting and completing a fundraiser for the school, playing soccer, and general tidying.  And I've been baking a lot!  I'm not sure why, but whatever, it makes the boys soccer team happy when I bring them treats, and the kids are thrilled to have homemade treats to eat.

I've decided that my goal is not to become organized.  I figure, the day I become organized, it will be such a shock to my system, that I will just keel over and die.  I've thought a lot about getting a personal assistant, but I doubt I would let them do any of the stuff that I want done, and that would mean I would have to spend time with someone!  Ach, no thanks.

My goal is to keep doing the things I like to do, and keep not doing the things I don't like to do!  Pretty achievable, I think!

Next discussion - why are some people so stupid???

Nobody cares!

It's true, nobody cares.  Not in the "oh whoa is me, no one cares, boo hoo" kind of way.

What I mean is, no one really cares what you are doing, unless they do.  No one cares what you ate, how far you ran, what sports you play, how important you THINK you are.  Everyone is so hell bent on telling the world that "I" did this and "I" did that.  Facebook, Instagram, all social media really, was set up so that we could tell the world what we are doing.  You also get that in person too - old fashioned I know.  People tell me all the time about the stuff they do - and some I care about.  Some I care a lot about.  But those other people, they are really telling me why I should think they are important.

I found myself updating my status, I scored a goal, I played a game of soccer, I got a bruise, I volunteer at the school, blah, blah, blah.  No one cares!  And you know what, if they do care, they care and will ask you about it.  Everyone is so self involved, they want to be seen as important.  I have to ask, important to who?  Why do they care if I think they are important?

I am important - to my kids, to my husband, my sisters.  That's all that really matters.  And they will care, they will ask about me, because they want to know me.  All those other people, they could care less what I am doing.  How do I know this?  They DON'T ask about me.  All they care about is telling me about what they did.  And funnily enough, I don't care!  I'm not even sure why I listen to some of these people, its a waste of my time!  I don't care that you ran today, I care if I ran today.  I care about what my kids are doing, how my husband's day was.  They are so important to me, that they don't need to prove that they are important.

I've always wondered why some people seem to think that they are so important.  They walk around telling us that they are important, and we just blindly believe them that they are important.  But I'm tired of it.  I've learned.  I know who is important to me, and who I am important to.  Who are you to tell me that you are important?

I've used the word important so much - it is now meaningless!

I'm not going to do it anymore - if you think you are so important, prove it!  Don't tell me about it!  I got into the whole thing trying to explain my importance, and I realized that I don't have to.  I know who I am important to, I know who is important to me.  That's all I really need.

So when people tell me all about why they are so important, instead of thinking to myself "they must be important....or why do I want to punch you in the face so badly", I will simply understand that I know why that whole spiel bugs me.  I will understand why I have a sudden urge to kick them.  They aren't important to me, and no matter what they say, I will not be convinced.  And the ones that are important to me, I will listen to, and be happy that I know how great they are.

This ended up being a little more "ranty*"  than I thought it would be.  But whatever.  It's also a little "Mr. Brady* speechy".

*Ranty - you know, standing on your soapbox shouting, *Mr. Brady.....long, overdone, repetitive. Yes, ranty and speechy are now words, deal with it!  Not my best work, but I do feel better getting that off my chest!

Well finally!

The depression fog has just lifted!  Yay!

I am super tired right now, but in the giddy overtired, I'm talking crazy, kind of way.  But the little fog I have been in seems to be clearing.  I got up this morning and everything just seemed ok again.

I don't know if it was sadness about losing the kids to school, or what, but I was not feeling all that great the last week or so.  I don't know why I'd be sad about the kids, they are so noisy, and they fight, and they always want me to feed them!  But they are super cute and snugly, and they have fun stories.  You can see how I might be torn about losing them for the school day.

I've got lots done already today - I took a nice walk, had some good conversation, made a bunch of appointments...by calling people on the phone!  I also called the pharmacy and spoke to a real person to get my refills, I spoke to yet another person with the police for them to send out a cruiser to patrol the maniacs that drive through our school zone area.  Yup, I used the phone several times.

I have a few more calls to make, a bunch of stuff to do on the computer - reminding myself the whole time to watch my posture so as not to get another headache.  Then I will treat myself to a little "Orange is the new Black" for lunch!  The only trouble is, I am on the last episode and I heard the new ones won't be out until 2014!!!!  What the heck am I going to watch for fun?

Things are looking good, life is good, I'm happy, healthy and.....what's another h word I can use?  (Get your mind out of the gutter, I just thought that one too though.)  Hopeful?  Holiday bound?  I wish.  HOME, that one works.  Done.

I must finish all my crap so I can deserve my show - delayed gratification and all that.