I know the picture doesn't go with the post, but that is my big black eye. It was at its worst yesterday and I think it's getting better today. Isn't it pretty.I NEVER diet, it's the four letter word that I try to never use because it is so foul and repulsive. However, I have come to realize that the amount of exercise that I get, while it is a lot, will not take the gooey flab off my belly. I need to.....cringe....diet.
I have been using Spark People for the last 3 days to track my calories and my fitness. The fitness tracker says that my goal for the week is 770 calories, I did that in 2 days, I'm actually quite a bit over that already. I doesn't hurt that I work out all the time and I play soccer. See, the fitness I have down. What I didn't have down was the sheer amount of calories that I have been eating. I really don't like discussing this, but I am trying to be accountable, so if that means I have to talk about it, so be it.
All I am doing is making sure that I eat around 1500 calories a day. That is not a lot. I didn't track what I was eating before, but I bet it was around 3000 calories on a good day. Gee, no wonder the fat layer didn't move. I'm not sure how this is going to work in the long run, I'm sure it'll be ok if I can just be good, but I have already lost 5 pounds. I don't really count that because I was up a lot higher than I usually am. But whatever. If I can just stop rewarding myself with food, maybe I'll get this under control.
The reason I don't like to talk about it is due to many reasons. So many people have such low self esteem, they see their happiness related to their weight. I don't. I swear there aren't many people like me. I personally know one that is at the level that I am. And surprisingly, she is a big girl like me. I look in the mirror and I like what I see. I think I am attractive, I like how I look in clothes, I even like how I look with minimal clothes -like the bikini's I wear. I am happy with how I am. So for me to want to lose weight seems to go against all that. I want to be that plus size girl role model. I am happy and active, and my weight doesn't stop me from doing anything. I also hate it when people, the ones that they think they are being so nice, ask me if I've lost weight. No, I didn't, and I don't care, so f*** off! And if I really do lose weight, those are the first people not to notice. It kills me!
My health is the real concern, mainly my feet and my heart. Heart disease runs in my family and I think that's something to keep my eye on. My feet also hurt all the time. We all know that I have heel spurs and plantar fasciitis, and I want it to go away. I don't want it to extend to my knees, and my hips are already in pain quite often. If I can get some of the weight off, that will ease the pressure on everything and I can maybe get control of those issues. Losing weight will make me be able to run faster, I am pretty fast for a big girl though. I was off my game last night, but everyone let it go due to the head injury from last week! But I felt so slow and I didn't like it.
So that's my confession for the week. I am doing ok so far, the ice cream isn't calling my name, I am not suffering. I think it was time for this. I have to send a big thanks out to my big sister for helping me with this. She is always supportive, she lost 30 pounds(even though she was already the thin one) and she's kept most of it off. I admire her drive. She is one of those people that loses weight for the right reason's and doesn't let her self esteem suffer when she's not skinny. I love you big sister, and I know that you will always be on my side. Just be warned that I am going to call you ALL THE TIME to see what else I can do about eating well. Now I must go, Just Dance 3 is calling my name. Without the kids here, I can listen to it as loud as like for my mini workout today!
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