As Spongebob would say....4 years later...

It's been 4 years since I posted last, how time flies.  Here's a little catch up:

I am still cancer free, the husband is healthy, the kids are still at home, but they both drive.  We are still super into sports.  So, not a whole lot has changed.

I am way less angry, I have no idea where all that rage went, it just disappeared.  I didn't sleep last night, so this morning was a bit ragey, but that's not common anymore.  I still volunteer, a bit less now that I only have one kid under 18.  Shockingly, I am still trying to get my shit together.

I was diagnosed with Lyme disease 2 years ago.  It sucks.  At least I know why I feel like crap all the time.  There is a lot of info about the mother passing Lyme disease to their baby during pregnancy, and I'm pretty sure that both my kids have it.  We can pinpoint my infection to when I was about 17-18.  We have tried everything, and so far nothing has really helped.  I can't really help my kids until we find out what will help me, I'd rather I'm the guinea pig than them.

But weirdly enough, that's not why I'm here today.  I'm completely annoyed that there are very few antique stores and basically no architectural salvage stores near me.  All I hear is reduce, reuse, recycle, don't buy new, blah blah blah.....so where the hell is all the stuff that people are getting rid of?  I want to buy used stuff, and fix it, or use it as is, and I can't find anything.  Unless I want to spend a few hundred dollars on something that has basically been sitting outside in the dirt for decades, I'm out of luck.

That's my rant for today.  Why write here and not on facebook or something? Because this doesn't get a lot of traffic, and I just want to rant without actually talking about it.  That's it.  Maybe I'll be back again in less than 4 years!

The Journey Continues

Yes, yes, my journey of life goes on.  Cue the wind chimes and pan flutes.

Life has settled down in some ways, our health concerns are being managed, and we seem to be happy!  My son has gone sports crazy; ball hockey, ice hockey and soccer - not to mention a stint in wrestling.  My daughter is a bit of a hot mess, but she's making good choices and doesn't seem to be freaking out about life too often.

I'm hit and miss.  I don't nap everyday, but I have been in my jammies by 3pm twice this week.  I'm still volunteering a lot, next week I get to go to a "strings" camp!  My kids aren't even going, and my husband thinks I'm crazy to go, but it's 2 days, they feed me and I get to listen to cello's and violin's for 2 days!  It's like a mini vacation just for me.

I'm still working on myself, trying to figure out if I am a total bitch, or if I am justified in my anger issues.  I mostly just get angry when my loved ones are treated badly, but I tend to hold onto things for a really long time.  I'm pretty pissed about certain things that happened a year and a half ago, and I can't seem to shake it. Every time family "expectations" come up, I feel really resentful.  I know I'm being vague, but I don't like to openly air my dirty laundry!  I've always been pretty passive/aggressive, and confronting the problem, especially after this amount of time, seems a bit redundant.  The problem is one that has been around for all time, and being honest won't change that.  So how do I let it go, or confront it?

Yes, that's my issue right now.  Other than that, I can't complain, things are good.  I don't know how other people get through the day, it's a struggle most days for me. I suffer with being unfulfilled, but I also suffer from being exhausted all the time.  I dream of being awake and ambitious, I dream of wanting to do stuff and wanting to want to do stuff.  But, like I said, life is pretty good.  I wrote this, I volunteered already today, and I'm still in jeans, so it's a good day.  If I decide to take a nap now, so be it.

Just another day

On Monday I had my surgery for Basal Cell Carcinoma on my face.  I had a biopsy on this spot in August, they thought they may have missed a bit of it, so they sent me on for further inspection.  Doctor lead to Dermatologist, which lead to Plastic Surgeon.  By the time I got to this surgeon, they were mad that it took so long for me to see them.  I really didn't think it was a big deal, my first cut out resulted in 5 stitches.  I thought I got to them pretty quickly, so you will never hear me complain about our health care system. (It turns out that they removed a 1cm x 1cm chunk, a bit bigger than I expected!)

I wasn't all that concerned going in, but 4 hours and over 20 stitches later, I was a little less calm.  I'm proud of myself for not losing it completely, but I did have a little panic attack during surgery.  I almost didn't cry, but then I was told I couldn't play soccer for a while, and that set me off.

5 days later and I'm doing ok.  I haven't been able to eat much solid food, but I did find some crackers and chocolate that I can fit into my mouth.  Everything else is via straw.  I didn't realize that liquid calories are just not the same as chewed calories, you'd think I'd love being on smoothies, shakes and especially ice cream, but it's just not the same.

A few weeks after my husband had his heart attack, I found out about the cancer.  My daughter put it best - she asked if we could just be done with the problems...please.  I'm sorry sweetie, I know this crap isn't fun, but the alternatives are so much worse.  I really do hope that we are done with this bullshit, we could really use a good year.  Don't get me wrong, we have a great life, I'm just a little tired of having to deal with major events.  The great news is that I am not wearing make-up in this picture, and I think I look pretty decent, aside from the stitches of course!

It's my birthday today - so I will start my 40's cancer free, and I will celebrate with as much ice cream that I can cram in my mouth!

New Year Resolutions

I don't always make New Year Resolutions, but I thought I would try it this year.

The last time I really made a list of goals was in College, and I achieved all of those goals, so I basically thought I was done and didn't need to make new goals.  That, and I didn't know what goals I even wanted.

That has been the struggle for the last few, 10, 15 years.  Then I had kids and all of the ideas of even making goals went out the window, unless you included the goal of getting in a shower at least every other day!

Now, I have decided to think about what it is that I want in life and how I plan to achieve it.  My goals this year are going to be a bit of a small start.  I resolve to be more assertive, I resolve to be more active and be able to zip up my jeans a bit easier.  (I've kind of let that aspect of my life go a bit - I'm still active, still playing soccer, but I've been eating way too many muffins and bowls of ice cream lately!) I resolve to make my kids do their chores more often so I don't have to yell at them.  I resolve to travel more.

That's all I've really got for now.  Not too lofty, I know, but I'll get there.  I'm going to work myself up to way more interesting things...probably.

I have (some sort) of Social Anxiety

Ok, I said it, I have social anxiety.  But mine is not named thus far, so we will call it the "Pamela Phenomenon".  This anxiety is a lot like regular social anxiety, with exceptions like I am capable of being social, I can talk in front of a crowd(but only if my face is bright red), and I am actually very good with people.  The difference?  I don't want to be.

I was raised in a way that we always had people over, the phone was always ringing, and it was perfectly acceptable for people to "just drop in unannounced".  I was constantly surrounded by people and I was expected to be ok with that.  I wasn't.  I would hide, go to my room, I would need to take a "really long poo".  I would be there one moment, and then just sneak away to where I could be for the longest without people finding me.  I was labeled "anti-social".

I am not anti-social.  I am selectively social.  If you drop in on me unannounced, if I even bother to open the door, you will see that look on my face...the look that says "I am trying to smile but it is killing me to do so".

People just don't get it, I am nice, friendly, I am really good with people, for short periods of time.  If I am out in public, you can bet that I would much rather be at home, alone most times.  Or with my people.  And to make that clear, I only have 3 people - my kids and my husband and sometimes they don't even make the list.  It's not that I don't like people, I just really need my time alone, and I do not require socialization nearly as much as most people.

Christmas is a really hard time for me - parties, cookie-exchanges, more parties.  I can't stand it.  If you see me at a party, I guarantee that I have been forced to go and it was not my idea to be there.  I went to my husband's Christmas party the other night, I did a good job of being nice, I even had good conversations with nice people.  I didn't have a bad time, but I would have rather been somewhere else, preferably alone. This week is tough for me, a lot of pre-planned social  activities, and the invitations just keep coming.  I have said yes to 3 already this week, and that is already too much.  I know that for my sanity, I have to say no to the other ones that come in, but I do feel bad.  It's not easy telling people that I can't go.  They ask why. What do I say?  I usually come up with an excuse that we already have plans, but what I really want to say is that I can't have anymore social interactions this week.  Try me back in a month!

Obviously I am an introvert, but due to the way that I was raised, I am good with people, and I mean really good.  If you didn't know how I felt, you wouldn't be able to tell.  (Exceptions include when I am around people that I really don't like, then you can tell.  I get that forced smile, sneer thing, and I am ultra sarcastic and bitchy.  My husband has even said that I am confrontational!)  I like people, there are some people that I really like a lot, and those people are the hardest to tell about my issue.

I tell some people what I am like, and they always joke that I don't like anyone, except them.  Well that's just not true.  It's not that I don't like them at all, it's just that I don't want to be around them very often.  And that goes for EVERYONE.  I can't be around anyone that much.  Even my kids know that, because they know when to leave me alone.  My husband, well he just doesn't get it.  He still thinks that he's the exception too. He's not.

The ironic thing is, I am writing this on a very public forum.  Not that a million people are going to read this, but I have put it out there for anyone to stumble upon.  In one way it might seem that I want attention to this, for for this.  I don't, I just want to say it enough, in safe ways, so that I can learn how to say it in real life.

Because it's not just being with people that gets to me, it's also the seemingly constant need for people to communicate with me.  Emails, phone calls, texts.  My perfect day is one where I get to do what I want to do without interruption from others.  I'd like to take a nap without the phone ringing, I'd like to clean the house without the email and text alerts.  One day.  Is that too much to ask?

I know I am a good person, but can't I be a good person, at home, alone?

I come off as nice and friendly, the kids at school LOVE me - and it's easy with them, because at the end of the day, I know they won't be calling me to go for coffee!  But it's a really hard balance for me.  I am how I am, I can't change that - but the way I am seems to encourage people to like me and want to be around me. I just hope that I can learn how to be the way I am, and also be able to tell people what I need.  That it's not them, it is me, and I just need my distance.

I have a really good excuse this time...

Its been a really long time since I have been here.  What am I doing?  Well, let's see.  I went to Germany in April, watched FC Bayern Munich vs Manchester United.  Amazing!  My husband had a broken foot on the trip, but he did ok.

I don't remember May, June was a blur of soccer and school functions.

July was ok - did some white water rafting, Sky Trek, hiking, biking, boating, swimming and tanning.

August - well that's where it all falls apart.  My husband (who is 39!) had a massive heart attack.  He was in the Cardiac ICU for 5 days.  The type of heart attack he had is called a "widow maker".  Yes, most people die when they have a heart attack in this section of their heart.

It's a somewhat funny, kind of awful story.  We had been digging trenches in the yard all weekend to put in underground sprinklers, so his arms were a bit sore.  He also was feeling kind of yucky that day. He went to his soccer game that night anyway, because that is what he does.  He doesn't know how to relax or slow down.  After his game, he came home, had a snack and writhed in pain for a while.  He went upstairs, writhed a bit more, then it looked like he had fallen asleep.  So of course I took a shower, thinking he was resting.  When I was done, I noticed he was writhing again, I was looking up symptoms of heart attacks on the net, but not really thinking anything of it because his pain was justifiable we thought.  THEN, he stuck his hand in his mouth and rubbed his teeth.  I asked if his teeth hurt, he spoke but didn't make any sense.  It was only then that I thought something might really be wrong.  On the net somewhere, I noticed a very "rare" symptom of heart attacks, jaw pain.

I told the kids that I was taking their Dad to the hospital, just in case.  Before I tell the next part, I must emphasize that my husband is a complete baby when he is sick or sore - so I cannot be blamed for thinking he was just being a big baby!

I told our 15 year old daughter that I was "taking Daddy to the hospital, and he had better be having a fucking heart attack".  Yes, I am a truly horrible person.

Anyway - off to the hospital, I dropped him at the doors as per his suggestion, I parked the car, and by the time I got inside, all of 5 minutes later...or less, he was in a bed and hooked up to machines.  That was then they verified that he was having a massive heart attack - we were shocked.

In 10 minutes he was on his way to another Hospital in an ambulance.  Within the hour he was in the Cath lab,  and had angioplasty - he had 2 stents put into his heart.  I got to see him about 3 hours later.

My husband actually asked if he could go home the next day.  He had no idea where he was and how serious his situation was.  I did, unfortunately, because I asked, and the nurses were very blunt about everything.  I'm glad they were, I don't do well with sugar coating.

2 days later he asked to go home again, and the nurse actually yelled at him.  It was awesome!  I got to watch the whole thing.  The nurse told him what had happened, where he was and why he was there...and that he was going to be there until they told him he could go home.  It was then that he realized how sick he really was.  That was hard, just to see the understanding in his face.

He came home a few days later, he's on tons of medication and a modified diet.  He feels ok now, he's back to work and also doing cardiac rehab.  They watch him while he exercises, but he's just happy to be able to exercise.  We've been told that the fact that he is so fit is what saved his life.

Things have been hard to adjust to at times.  We have scaled back ALL of our volunteer efforts, which was a lot.  People see him, he looks fine, so they think that we should be able to resume life as normal, but it just doesn't work that way.  When you almost lose your husband, you see where your priorities are.  Right now, I've got to concentrate on him, the kids, and myself.  Everything and everyone else has to just wait.

It's been 41 days since his heart attack, and 41 days since his last cigarette too!  We are managing, we are trying to get used to the new normal, and we are working on making everything ok.

But wait, there's more.

The kids started school last Tuesday, the same day that I had stitches removed from my face.  I had had a "thing" removed from above my lip as a precaution.  Test results?  Basal Cell Carcinoma.  Just what I needed.

I've told the kids and my husband.  The only thing that can be said to sum this all up, came from my daughter.  She sighed and said "ok, can you guys just be done with all of this now?  No more please."

It's been a lot to take in.  What is normal now?  What do I do to make this all ok?  I have no idea, but getting stupid things done, like laundry, that at least helps a bit.

I have found myself telling people what has happened if only to have them back off a bit.  We need to take care of us now, we need to stop doing things that other people want us to do and make sure we are taken care of first.

Who knows when I will write again - I'll try, but only if it makes me feel better!

Am I even speaking english??

Some days I really wonder if I am speaking a different language than everyone around me.  I think I'm making sense, but maybe I'm not.  I really question my communication skills at times.  (if you read this and I'm not making sense, for the love of God, please tell me!)

Maybe I am speaking English, but the person I am with isn't.  Maybe that's why I can't understand what the heck they are saying.  Maybe I just don't care enough to figure it out?  Do men and women even speak the same language?

I swear, I can't have a conversation with my husband some days.  He thinks he is talking, but he's not making any sense to me.  I think I am making sense and he looks at me like I've grown another head.  I question my sanity a lot when talking to him.  That's just not right.

Maybe I need a brain douche.  Ha, I just had to get that word in there.  But really, I wish there was a product that I could stick in my ear, shake my head around a bit, and all the crazy shit, the unneeded information, the bad memories, the stuff that just doesn't make any sense, would just fall out.  Then I could go on my way, with a clear brain, a clean slate.  That would be super helpful right now.  Like a defrag computer program!

Brain douche, the product you never knew you needed.