My greatest accomplishment

I know I am not done yet in life - there will be more accomplishments, but last night I realized I had done what I had set out to do in life.

I was putting the kids to bed and for some reason it finally hit me, my kids are my greatest accomplishment.  Not who they are, how they behave, or what they do in life.  But the fact that I wanted to be so close to my kids, and to have them always know that they are loved.  Wherever they go in life, they carry my love with them.  No matter what happens, no matter what they do, no matter how far away from me they are - they will know that they are loved.  What else could a person really want?

I've always known that I am close with my kids, they've always known that I love them.  But last night, it really became clear that I have achieved something great in my lifetime.

I know that I wasn't put on this earth to be doctor, an inventor, a professor.  I was never meant to be a person who is famous, or written about.  I never did care for any of that anyway.  I just wanted to know what my place was in life, that's all.

I don't need "success" as other people see success.  I wanted the way I feel, a piece of me, to outlive me.  There was something inside of me that needed an outlet, and it is my kids.  I sometimes wonder why it takes me so long to realize these things, and then I guess I know that if it were something I just knew, it might not mean as much.

Not only do my kids get to carry this feeling, this knowledge with them, so do I.  It doesn't matter what I do for the rest of my life, I will always have this.  This feeling, this understanding, that will always be with me, and no one can ever take that away.

My junk is procreating

As I wander about the house, I notice small things that need attention.  The drawer that I shove all my junk that I don't know what to do with, or "will deal with later".  The laundry room that is always in chaos.  My beautiful dining room that has been overtaken by a small aircraft.  The den that has never been clean the entire time we have lived here even though I clean it all the time.  The cupboard that doesn't close because it is too full.  The bathroom tap that runs too hot.  The list goes on forever.

I clean the usual, the bathrooms, do the vacuuming, dust, wipe counters....but the house is never really tidy.  I get rid of junk, I took a whole truckload to Value Village last weekend.  I recycle, I never say no to charities that need household items and unwanted clothing.  So why is there always junk, and more junk?  Is my junk having babies and they just scatter themselves around my house trying not to be noticed?

I'm not even shopping all that much.  I have had to buy all new clothes- sadly mine were all too big.  But I get rid of the big clothes, I don't keep them!

I don't want to get rid of everything, I like a lot of my stuff.  There's plenty to look at in my house.  But all the stuff I don't want, I swear I get rid of it!  Does it come back while I'm not looking???

I found out last night that I had no plans for today, that is exceptionally rare.  I plan to do a lot of little things that will hopefully make a big impact on the house.  I've already cleaned the laundry room and fixed the tap that was too hot.  I did the drawer yesterday while the Telus guys were adding to my TV and internet system.

Some days I feel like an unintentional hoarder.  An unwilling one....maybe.

I do know that I put stuff away, find it a home that works, but it always works itself back to where I don't want it.  I might have to start gluing things down!

First I have to take care of the updating of electronics - they aren't junk, but they sure take up a lot of time.  Hopefully I will make a small impact today, and maybe that will make me feel less like I am falling behind.

Always playing Catch up!

I've been doing a really good job of getting "stuff' done, but it seems never ending!

I've cleaned the den a few times, and it's still not clean.  I did manage to clean my bedroom, including pulling out furniture and vacuuming behind it, and washing walls so that I can paint soon.  No one needs to know that I've had the paint to re-paint that particular room for over a year.  Oh whoops, I guess you all know now.  Oh well.  I did stain the window casings....from the new windows that we got at least 2 years ago.  Yes, it is that bad.

I am so busy doing stuff, that I don't do other stuff, so there's always stuff that needs to be caught up on!  Why can't I just get all this stuff done and start doing things I want to do?  Well, I suppose its because if I didn't get all that "stuff" done, I'd be drowning in stuff.  Clothes that don't fit, broken toys, broken light fixtures, plants that need to be planted, things we don't use anymore.

I'm not even buying new things!  I have lost so much weight that most of my clothes don't fit, but it's not fun to HAVE to buy new clothes!  It's fun to find clothing that I like and pick up on the way, but to go out and search for new jeans and shirts that fit, it's work!

I'm not buying items for around the house either.  I've been donating trunk loads of stuff, and I feel like the house is still too cluttered.  I guess I am at that stage where I know I don't need so much stuff, and I can get rid of it if I don't like it.  Things that other people have bought me, that I never really liked, but kept in case they noticed it in my house - ALL GONE!!!  All the clothes that don't fit me are going all the time.  I have blocked off a hallway in the basement with all the bigger items that need to go - it's that bad!  We are planning to borrow the shop truck this weekend for some outdoor work (goodbye finally to the juniper bushes!) and I think it will get used a lot.  I'm going to load up all the big stuff and get rid of that first!

I feel like I am stalling just typing this.  I have a ton of things to do, but here I am typing away!  Ok, here I go....I'm going to get more stuff to get rid of.  On the agenda today - all the shorts that don't fit me.  I hope I still have some that fit.  If not, I guess I'll just wear my soccer gear!

Hello life!

I finally, FINALLY, have my life back!  For this week anyway.

Monday was a bit of a bust, but I think I got a few things done.  Yesterday the kids were home sick, but I still got stuff done.  Today, I have all day to get stuff done!  I got gas, because my gas light went on.  I normally don't leave it under half a tank, but I guess I was busy.  Then I washed the car in and out.  It looks so nice!

I have to update my devices, and keep going on the den.  One day, this room will be clean all the time! Maybe...

I am hoping to get enough of the den done to go to my room in the basement and get that under control.  Once I have all that stuff done, hopefully I can keep up with it and move on to the next projects!

This weekend I had a soccer tournament - we won bronze!  I played 4 games, the first game on Saturday I had a 10 minute shift!  Normal shifts are 30 seconds to 2 minutes.  I was a bit jello legged after that, but I still played well.

My husband tried to inject some chaos into my life again by wanting to go to Germany this weekend.  Yes, in 4 days.  We really wanted to go to the FC Barcelona vs Bayern Munich game in Munich, but we just can't get tickets.  Ok, we can, but they are $400 and up and we're not sure if we can even trust the ticket site as it is second party.  It would have been amazing!  I guess we'll try again another time.

I'm sure I could have pulled an overseas trip off in 4 days, I really am.  But I don't like last minute things.  I'm not really good at spontaneity.

The fundraiser for the school went well, well enough that I will do it again next year.  Behaviour modification therapy has also gone well.  I've learned a lot and know its time to put all of that into action!  A lot of it is day to day stuff, but there is some work I need to do too.  Making goals, having plans....that might take some time for me to figure out.

Overall I am feeling positive and excited about what is to come.  I am excited to get more crap out of my house.  I am looking forward to getting back to the gym to compliment what I already do in soccer. I am also looking forward to focusing on me for a little while.  What do I want to do, what my goals are, that sort of thing.  I am learning to say no, I am panicking less, I even answer the phone from time to time.  But I usually just hang up on people now.  It feels good!

On Friday, I spent the whole day at home working on my stuff.  After school, the kids asked me how my day was and I got to answer - awesome!  To be honest, it was awesome because not one person bugged me all day!  The phone didn't ring, no one asked me to do anything, and I didn't even get any texts!  It was a great day. (I am not anti social - but I do get to decide how much social interaction I have in a day, and I didn't want any that day!) Ha - behaviour modification in action!

Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren't.

RIP Margaret Thatcher

Does anyone have people they can count on?

I am having a very self pitying day today - so bear with me.

I'm going in for a little day surgery, nothing major, I'll be fine tomorrow - and no it's not cosmetic!  I wish....  I was asking my husband to take me to the hospital, he spoke aloud how busy his day was and I kind of jumped down his throat.  I told him I could take a cab if he couldn't find time for me.  He was upset that I thought that he wouldn't do it.  Of course he would do it, he was just making his plan out loud.  That was last night, and I let it go, until this morning.

I thought about who else I could ask so that my husband didn't have to mess up his day.  Do you know who I came up with?  NO ONE.  I don't have one friend that I feel I could ask to do this for me.  (I have sisters that are out of town that would, but it's just a ride, not an emergency)  My MIL?  I could ask her, but I'd never hear the end of it, and she'd want to know exactly what was going on, and she'd probably want to stay with me and I can't handle that.  On second thought, I'd probably have to drive her and myself there and she'd just have to find her way back home.

I know a big part of this is me, I am not big on being around a lot of people, and I really don't have a whole lot of trust in others.  But one friend that I could count on - and I couldn't come up with one.  It kind of made me sad.  I looked through my mental list of friends, and there wasn't anyone there that I would even think of asking.  I am not good at asking for help, and maybe that's why I don't have people in my life that would help me.  Maybe people would help me if I just asked.

I guess the question is, do I want friends that will help me?  Do I have anyone that could become a friend that would help?  I couldn't find one person that I feel like I could have that relationship with.

I readily admit that I keep myself at a distance from most people.  I don't trust them, I've been hurt or tricked, lied to, so many times before, I am not ready to throw myself at the mercy of other people.  I don't know if I am willing to put myself out there enough to have that kind of relationship with someone.

How do other people do it?  Do they just trust easily?  Or do they have people that they have learned to trust - and where did they find those people?

I am sure 2013 is my quest year.  I am on a quest to find myself, and to find answers.  What do I want, what do I need, how can I be a better person?  Do I have to trust other's to be a better person?  Scary thoughts.

I have been so busy the last few weeks - and tomorrow is the end of one project - the big project.  I feel like I can get my life back after that.  That just means that I will hermit away in my house, painting, cleaning and organizing - all the while thinking about what I really want.  It's funny how I see all that work as a break - but that is when I do my best thinking!

Finding my way

Trying to find my place in the world - I'm not sure how long this has been going on, looking back on it, it's been a while.  Maybe when I quit working, maybe when I had kids, maybe I've never known.  I am struggling with what my role is.  I know that I am a Mom, and a great one, I know that I volunteer, occasionally clean the house and do household chores.  I do a lot of errands, I have a lot of appointments for my feet and sleep issues, I have a lot of meetings and spend a lot of time at the school.  But what is my purpose, my role, my designation?  What am I?

A stay at home Mom, yes.  A volunteer, yes.  But what else.  And why do I even care?

As a man, the father, the husband, the bread winner - my husband knows what his role is.  He works, he brings in money, he is the male role model for the kids, he cleans my oven (because I refuse to), he kills the big spiders, he does all the measuring and cutting of things.  His role is very clearly defined.

As the Mother, the female role model, I am doing a good job.  I know what my duties in that position are.  I know that there are things that I now need to give up and pass over to the kids to ensure they leave my home and can function on their own in the future.  I know that I am the one that does the cleaning and the cooking, I do the errands, set the mouse traps, call the bank, pay the bills.  And that's all fine, I don't mind all that.  But what else?  Should there be something else?  I think so.

I don't want to have my kids leave me in a few years and have nothing to do.  But more than that, I want to know that I am somehow productive and valued as a person.  What do people see me as?  Do I care?  No, I don't really care what other's think of me.  This is all coming from within.  I have no pressure from anyone to "be" something.  It's all me, I want to know that I am doing something of value.

I know that raising my kids is the most valuable thing I can be doing.  But I have to have other things so that my kids know that I am not just here for them to take advantage of, not that they do, but that I have a life outside of them.  I am not strictly "just a Mom".  Not that there is anything wrong with just being a Mom, but it doesn't fill my whole day with the kids in school.

It's a whole lot of inner turmoil.  I just want to be productive, I want tangible proof that I am doing things of value and merit, even if they are valuable to only me.  I wrote a list of the things I currently do in a day, and the things I'd rather be doing.  It was kind of an eye opener.  Turns out I'd rather be painting my bedroom than doing a whole lot of other things!

I think it's time to put my foot down, stop letting other people intrude on my life and what I want to be doing.  I have to stop saying yes and start saying no, I'm busy, and you'll have to wait because I do have a life you know!  I don't know when I started letting other people's things dictate my life, but I don't like it, and it has to stop now.

First step - I have to decide what I am doing!