Finding my way

Trying to find my place in the world - I'm not sure how long this has been going on, looking back on it, it's been a while.  Maybe when I quit working, maybe when I had kids, maybe I've never known.  I am struggling with what my role is.  I know that I am a Mom, and a great one, I know that I volunteer, occasionally clean the house and do household chores.  I do a lot of errands, I have a lot of appointments for my feet and sleep issues, I have a lot of meetings and spend a lot of time at the school.  But what is my purpose, my role, my designation?  What am I?

A stay at home Mom, yes.  A volunteer, yes.  But what else.  And why do I even care?

As a man, the father, the husband, the bread winner - my husband knows what his role is.  He works, he brings in money, he is the male role model for the kids, he cleans my oven (because I refuse to), he kills the big spiders, he does all the measuring and cutting of things.  His role is very clearly defined.

As the Mother, the female role model, I am doing a good job.  I know what my duties in that position are.  I know that there are things that I now need to give up and pass over to the kids to ensure they leave my home and can function on their own in the future.  I know that I am the one that does the cleaning and the cooking, I do the errands, set the mouse traps, call the bank, pay the bills.  And that's all fine, I don't mind all that.  But what else?  Should there be something else?  I think so.

I don't want to have my kids leave me in a few years and have nothing to do.  But more than that, I want to know that I am somehow productive and valued as a person.  What do people see me as?  Do I care?  No, I don't really care what other's think of me.  This is all coming from within.  I have no pressure from anyone to "be" something.  It's all me, I want to know that I am doing something of value.

I know that raising my kids is the most valuable thing I can be doing.  But I have to have other things so that my kids know that I am not just here for them to take advantage of, not that they do, but that I have a life outside of them.  I am not strictly "just a Mom".  Not that there is anything wrong with just being a Mom, but it doesn't fill my whole day with the kids in school.

It's a whole lot of inner turmoil.  I just want to be productive, I want tangible proof that I am doing things of value and merit, even if they are valuable to only me.  I wrote a list of the things I currently do in a day, and the things I'd rather be doing.  It was kind of an eye opener.  Turns out I'd rather be painting my bedroom than doing a whole lot of other things!

I think it's time to put my foot down, stop letting other people intrude on my life and what I want to be doing.  I have to stop saying yes and start saying no, I'm busy, and you'll have to wait because I do have a life you know!  I don't know when I started letting other people's things dictate my life, but I don't like it, and it has to stop now.

First step - I have to decide what I am doing!